How Much You Really Want
by 26Rye J
Summary: Sequel to I Have Loved You Wrong.
1. Chapter 1: One Last Thing

**This story is the sequel to _I Have Loved You Wrong._****(If you haven't read that one, this fic will make the kind of sense that's non).****  
**

**Chapter 1 of _How Much You Really Want_ was posted as a preview at the end of _IHLYW_, so I will be posting a new chapter this Sunday. I just wanted to get it all set up so all I have to do on Sunday is submit the post.  
**

**Chapter 1: One Last Thing**

Buffy carried a cardboard box down the steps of the shelter. After her early morning goodbye, she'd returned to her apartment for quick nap. She had a long drive a head of her and couldn't afford any accidents.

Unfortunately, the memories haunting her sleeping world did not release her easily, or maybe she didn't release them. Either way, she didn't get the early start she'd been hoping for, but at least she got some rest. After filling the jeep with the last of her things, she drove to the shelter: her last stop.

Before picking up a box of pictures, she shared a brief goodbye with Lil and Sunny - keeping tears in check and promising to stay in touch. Looking down at the framed photos of their past, she knew they would keep their promises. They had shared too much together to do otherwise.

Now, they were inside, and she was outside.

There was nothing left to do but leave.

Stepping onto the sidewalk she saw a man approaching looking quite determined.

"What are you doin here? I thought your crew didn't get up before noon." Gunn's chuckle faded when he caught sight of the box. Looking towards her car, he noticed it was completely filled.

"I see you're all packed. I guess I didn't think you'd really go. Seems like you've always been here."

"I know, but it's time. My bags are packed, goodbyes were said, all that's left now is to drive off into something."

"So, this is happening like now."

"No tears big guy." She smiled and continued to her car. "You should get inside and say hi to Lil. Go bring her a smile." When he looked towards the shelter, she opened the trunk and squeezed in her parcel.

"Buffy, wait."

"Yeah?"

He nodded towards the stairs "Can we talk?"

She shut the trunk and sat down beside him. "I got nowhere to be. What's on your mind?"

There was no good way to ease into this, so he decided to blurt. "Don't go."

"Gunn. . ."

"Just hear me out." Reluctantly, she gave him her attention. "I know what you've been doin' here. I didn't like it at first - didn't trust it, but I accepted it. I'm not just talking 'bout the demon-bashing. You've been getting kids off the streets into this place and then out of this place to something more: jobs, homes. My guys takes care of the monsters, but you been takin care of them."

"You take care of them too."

He wasn't interested in her pity. "All I give them is a way to fight back. I understand that some won't want to stop, but the rest already do. You're their way out. You give them a shot at normal."

"Gunn, I'm not their only way out, but I am my son's." Her eyes pleaded with him to understand. "I want him to have the life I never had - one without demons and darkness. He deserves normal too, but he won't have that here."

"You're taking care of your family. I get that. Can you blame me for taking care for mine?" He tried to keep his voice even. "Alana's gone. These kids are the only family I got left. It's my job to look out for them."

She rested her hand on his arm for comfort. "Lilly's not going anywhere, and Angel and his team will still be here too. I'm not the only option." Looking down at her hand, he shook his head.

"You're the only one who cares about those kids as much as I do." Her soothing movements stilled at his words. Feeling her pull away, he covered her hand with his.

"I know I'm askin a lot, maybe too much, but I don't want to lose them - not to death not to anything." He faced her with honest eyes. "I can't do this alone."

Anxiously, she ran her hand through her hair without responding. She knew what he was feeling, the burden he carried . . . two years ago, she carried one similar. In her case, there was no one to ask for help, no one to share her duty with. She did the impossible alone; she saved the world, and it cost her everything.

She thought that was enough, but here Gunn was trying to save his world and needing her to help.

He'd taken his hand away and was just sitting beside her patiently awaiting her answer.

If she promised to stay, what would her life be like? The city held several faces from her past none of whom could be a part of her present as it was now. What other changes would she have to endure? and how would this choice affect her son?

She turned towards Gunn. Her whole soul sensed his desperation.

If he hadn't asked her, she wouldn't have stayed, but now that he had, how could she leave? Looking down the street, she felt a tear creep down. She couldn't leave him alone like this - shouldgering this burden.

Letting out a heavy sigh, she let her posture relax and leaned back on the stairs. Sensing her movement, Gunn looked at her. Her new position told him what he needed to know: she wasn't going anywhere.

Their eyes met, and she knew no matter how hard this decision was, she wouldn't regret it. Her son might not have a normal life, but he'd have a mom he could be proud of who did all she could to spare others pain. Everything else . . . well, she would figure it out.

Taking in her decision, he wanted to apologize or offer thanks, but neither felt right. Instead, he held her gaze for a moment before leaning back himself.

Together they sat and watched the bustle of the street. A few kids were hanging near the stoop joking; no one noticed the heavy conversation between the grownups or the even heavier silence. For them, it was a day like any other; the grownups wanted it to stay that way.

Gunn's presence proved he couldn't do this alone; Buffy's promised he wouldn't have to. She would help him because he needed helping, because these kids deserved it . . . and because deep down, that's just who she was.

Maybe normal was overrated. Maybe she just didn't want it enough. Lately, it was a question she often asked herself: how much did she really want?


	2. Chptr 2: Cutting Strings with Paperclips

**If you've been following this story, like to write, and want it to continue, please contact me. **

**This fic has a part 3 (**_**Your Heart Still In It) **_**which is fully plotted and a part 4 (**_**I Was Born For This)**_** which is only vaguely sketched. Both need a collaborator if they're ever going to see life outside my hard drive. **

**If this is a project you'd like to be a part of, shoot me a message and I'll send you what I have. I've never worked with a beta reader before, so if you're not one, it doesn't matter to me. **

**To all the readers, though, fret not. The later chapters of part 2 still need some heavy editing, but its ending has a definite sense of closure, so even if part 3 never makes it online, the first two parts are a fully complete story.**

**Now onto the newest chapter of **_**How Much You Really Want**_**.**

**Chapter 1: Cutting Strings with Paperclips  
**

She didn't want to do this. She knew, though, if she didn't find the courage today, she would still have to tell them eventually, and if she waited, chances are they'd find out on their own.

They were detectives after all, so accepting the inevitable, she opened the door and stepped into their office.

"Hi guys."

Seeing only Cordelia she amended, "or gal."

"Hey Buffy. Wes said you stopped by." She looked up from her typing. "I thought you'd be crossing the state line by now."

"That was the plan."

"So?"

"Plans changed."

Although she didn't want to get her hopes up, Cordelia could feel her own excitement bubbling out. "You mean you're staying?"

"Yep."

"This is so great. I was so not a fan of my first L.A. gal pal leaving town."

The thought of Cordelia Chase missing her made her chuckle. "You weren't the only one."

As Buffy leaned against the wall, Cordy almost jumped from her desk."So what are you going to do now?"

"Not too sure."

"You know you could stay with me until you figure it out - I wouldn't mind us being roomies."

She returned the offer with a smile. "Thanks, but Lil's got a bed in her office I can use - at least until I find a place for me and junior here."

"I just did the whole apartment hunting thing a little while ago -ick." Cordelia grimaced remembering the many rotten apartments she'd seen before she found the right one for her - complete with ghost.

"Not buckets of fun?"

"Not even teaspoons. But if you want, I could help - you know check out places -share my abundant wisdom."

Considering her offer, Buffy realized that she had to start life somewhere. If she stayed in L.A. she couldn't avoid this part of town or these people just because of their past connections. So she sucked in her instincts to run and smiled. "I'd appreciate that."

Buffy used the lull in the conversation to look around the office. She nodded towards the tape and cardboard covering the busted window. "You know I could fix that, if you want."

Cordelia looked both surprised and skeptical. "You fix windows?"

Remembering the many learning opportunities she'd had in the shelter, Buffy grinned. Windows, pipes, even the occasional toaster, and considering I'm the one that broke it, I really should."

"That'd be great. I mean we have a handy man but he takes forever to make it over here. He's not a fan of the neighborhood."

"I can pick up the supplies this afternoon and drop by sometime tomorrow?"

"We'll be here." Deciding not to ask who the "we" referred to, Buffy headed towards the door.

"Okay, well I'll see ya then." That wasn't so hard. Sure, it was only Cordelia that she'd spoken to, but it was progress. All she had to do was keep taking little steps in the direction of well-adjusted and she'd get there . . . eventually . . . hopefully.

She found herself standing outside her favorite building: her _Sanctuary_. "No one belongs, but everyone's welcome." Whispering to herself, she smiled at Sunny's clever sign and gazed at it fondly. This was the place that made everything worthwhile. She had to admit she was more than a little glad not to be leaving it.

She justified the feeling by telling herself it was too soon. It wasn't that long ago she'd opened it and to be moving away before it was fully established seemed to be the same as abandoning it, and the thought of abandoning anything or anyone would never feel right to her.

Immersed in a feeling of home, she walked up the steps.

Hearing the door open, Sunny looked up. He silently considered her for a moment. "You really stayin'?"

Anne returned his smile and sat beside him on the sofa. "For now."

He looked disappointed.

She leaned back in the cushions and took in the changes they'd made to this room. She soaked in every detail. "No one knows the future. We'll see how things turn out."

Still not satisfied with the answer, he decided to change the subject. "Some lady is here to see you."

"A lady?"

Sunny nodded in the direction of the back office. As she walked down the hall, Buffy tried to catalogue all the women who might want a meeting with her. She'd never have expected the one she found.

"Mrs. McDonald."

Leaving the office door open, she entered the room. "Lila. What are you doing here?"

"I came to drop off some paperwork."

Seeing her reach into a briefcase, Buffy's brows lifted. "Crime has paperwork."

"While Wolfram and Hart appreciates your distance, the firm would like to see the remaining legal ties between yourself and Mr. McDonald undone, discreetly of course."

"Of course." She took the papers warily.

"We need your signatures. This is going to happen with or without them, but it will go more smoothly -."

"I'll sign them." Her voice lacked emotion. The worst was over and this . . . this was just the _paperwork_.

Still using her business tone, Ms. Morgan continued, "He prepared them himself, and we will uphold all of arrangements he made. Feel free to look them over perhaps get legal counsel. After they're complete, you can mail them to our office, or someone can pick them up. Whatever is most convenient."

For the first time in their conversation, something other than resignation colored Anne's tone."I don't want any Wolfram and Heart employees stepping over that threshold again. Is that understood?"

"I guessed as much which is why there's an envelope stamped and ready to go included in the papers."

As soon as the emotions came, they left. This particular battle wasn't worth it. "Is that all?"

"I can see you're a busy woman - already embracing new challenges. This should conclude your association with Wolfram and Hart. I'll show myself out."

Buffy stood in shock for a moment before a thought prompted her drop the papers. She caught up with Lila in the alley behind the shelter.

"How is he?"

The brunette regarded her for a moment. They were never friends but they'd been in each other's lives. Perhaps that was why Lila answered so honestly, "He's just like the day you met him: healthy, driven, certain."

They both interpreted this as their last parting.

With the utmost sincerity, Buffy murmured, "Thank you."

The two faced each other for a moment before Lilah finally ended their association. "Goodbye Anne."

After she turned around, Buffy made her way inside the shelter. Everything seemed a little less real. Standing outside the office doorway, she regarded the papers on the floor. Her eyes saw them, but her mind coudn't bring them into focus.

Wiping down a freshly-cleaned dish, Lil called to her from down the hallway, "How was your visit?"

Still reeling from her previous encounter, Buffy looked confused.

Lilly prodded, "Set things right with your detective friends?"

"Yeah, I think so."

Setting dish and rag on the counter, Lilly leaned against the wall near her.

"The past cropping up can be unsettling. You sure you're okay?"

"It was awkward, hard, but I couldn't leave it unfinished."

Lil reached out and brushed her arm. "Well, it's over now."

Looking back at the paper littered floor, she murmured, "Not quite."

Reality had been knocking on her door for a while, and she knew she couldn't stall it forever. At one point or another, everyone's sanctuary is breached. Glumly, she supposed it was finally time for hers to be.


	3. Chapter 3: That Heart of Embers

**I'm going on a month long trip with friends, and I'm leaving my laptop at home.**

**Instead of making ya'll wait a month for the next couple chapters, I'm gonna be posting every other day this week. **

**So, if you like having a new chapter to look forward to every week, you gotta pace yourself and ration the lump of story I'll be laying down.**

**Chapter 3: That Heart of Embers**

The next day Buffy dropped by the office. She came in carrying a box full of tools and glass panes almost identical to the ones she'd broken.

Cordelia stood up from her desk. "Need any help?"

"Nah, I'm still one with the super strength." She closed the door with her foot and set down the box close to the window.

She started pulling off the tape and cardboard from the empty frame as Wesley came out of Angel's office. "Cordelia told me you were staying, but I didn't let myself believe it."

Untangling tape from her fingers, she joked, "You dared doubt Cordelia Chase? Brave man."

Said woman smiled. "Or stupid, your pick."

Buffy chuckled. Though Wesley didn't want to damper her mood, he couldn't contain his curiosity. "Do you mind me asking what changed?"

"Found a reason to stay."

Cordelia scoffed, "Cryptic much?"

She continued working on the windows. "You guys should be used to it, you know, working for Mr. Cryptic himself."

"He's actually not so much cryptic guy nowadays as broody guy."

"Well that's good, cuz two cryptics in one office -isn't that a sign of the apocalypse?"

Cordelia tried to stifle a giggle. "I don't remember you being this . . ."

"Cavalier?" Wesley offered.

"I was gonna say sassy."

Buffy reminded her, "Last time you saw me the world was ending, in non-tragic circumstances I'm full of sass." She bent down and picked up the first pane of glass. "And come on, if you can't joke about the end of the world, then what's the point in saving it?"

"You make a lot of sense."

Wesley pulled out a handkerchief to clean his glasses."Right then, I'm going to need more tea."

Watching him disappear to the back of the office, she murmured, "Good to know I can still make a watcher squirm."

"Actually, he's an ex-watcher. Got fired when the new slayer went evil."

"Huh."

"She's good now, by the way, Angel talked her down. But she never got a new watcher, so Wes is well just Wes."

Continuing to watch her work, Cordelia changed topics. "So, you're like handy now."

"Actually, I'm broke now, and thus have had to become handy since I can no longer pay others to be."

Having recently become poor herself, Cordelia completely understood. "I've embraced cooking and shopping for myself, but I have yet to fix anything. I'm hoping to put that off until the end of never."

Recalling an earlier conversation, she replied, "Well, once your acting career starts to pay, you won't have to worry about it."

"Yeah, but until then-"

"Until then," she cut in, "you've got me: the sassy blonde with a wrench."

"Have I mentioned how glad I am you're staying?"

She grinned. "Once or twice."

While the girls continued chatting, Wesley quietly made his way down to the apartment. He wanted to check up on Angel and also warn him about their visitor.

Finding him reading in the corner, Wesley strategized ways of easing into the conversation. Angel looked at the ceiling and saved him the trouble. "Is that-"

"-Buffy? Yes it is." He tried to gauge his emotional state but Angel's face remained completely neutral.

"What's she doing here? I don't just mean in this office - here, but L.A."

"She just said she had a reason to stay; she didn't elaborate on what that reason might be."

"So she's settling here for good?" Angel refused to assume or hope anything yet.

"It would appear that way, yes."

"And she just came by to let you know. . ."

"Actually, she visited yesterday to let Cordelia know; she is here today to fix the window she ruptured."

"Does she plan to come back?"

"Another question only Buffy can answer. . . You could come up and say hello, if you want."

"She doesn't want to see me."

"But you want to see her, and this is your office. . ."

Angel scoffed, "Last time I used that line, she 'ruptured' my window."

Wesley cleared his throat nervously, "I agree she runs more on passion than reason."

"She always did."

Listening to the sounds upstairs, he admitted to himself that's what he loved about her - that heart of hers which could set flame any moment and never could be predicted. Her heart of embers warmed his soul.

Basking in its nearness, he decided to savor it while he could. If nothing else, the last few weeks showed him how quickly life can change: for better or for worse.

The repair went smoothly and efficiently. Buffy was thinking about what other maintenance tasks she could get done that day when she felt a tap on her shoulder.

"Buffy?" From the tone of voice it wasn't the first time they'd called her name.

"Huh?"

As Buffy was packing up her tools, Cordy and Wesley approached her. They looked so apprehensive that she started to worry.

"Sorry. What's up guys?"

They looked at each other for a moment before Wesley held out a crinkled envelope. With an accelerated heartbeat, she reminded herself to remain calm.

"When Lindsey hired us, he told us to give this to you i-if som-something went wrong."

Buffy stared at the envelope but didn't take it. After a slight shake of her head, she whispered, "I don't want it thank you." She picked up her box wanting to get as far away from this place and that envelope as possible.

Wesley had no intention of stopping her, but Cordelia did not possess that much self-control. "You're not going to read it?"

She turned her head but kept her eyes on the floor. "No."

"But Buffy-"

"Lindsey and I already had our goodbye; I don't need another one." She didn't want to be rude, but she didn't want to take that letter either. The script on the front was enough to unnerve her. To touch it, hold it - she wasn't ready; she may never be ready for that.

Seeing her distress, Wesley spoke softly, "I understand you want to move on, but a part of moving on is looking back. Someday you might want to do that, and you might want something more than memories to help you."

Wanting to end the conversation, she dismissed his reasoning, "You make it sound like he died."

"A part of him did."

Her eyes darkened with memories. "Just the part that loved me."

Seeing her glazed expression, Cordelia stepped forward. "From his talk with Angel, it seemed like the only part he cared about."

Cordelia took the envelope from him and held it out to her. "Please, just hold onto it."

Buffy took the letter warily as if she expected it to explode or bite - or disappear. "I'll think about it."

"That's all we ask."

She left the office with well-worn thoughts as well as a few new ones. The past couple days she'd tried to keep busy, tried to keep her mind quiet and her memories at bay. She came to the office because it was something to do, a task to complete, but now she was taskless. Without some kind of work, she was restless and easily agitated by all the thoughts swimming around in her head.

Adding to her frustration was the fact she now carried this wretched letter. Along with all her other emotions, she felt resentment - towards the letter as well as its carriers. Rather than giving her closure, it just gave her more ideas to obsess about, and she really did not need that now - or ever.


	4. Chapter 4: Don't Give Me That Scowl

**Chapter 4: Don't Give Me That Scowl**

Swinging open his office door, Ms. Chase marched up to Angel, "I know she will probably kill me for this, but I figure resurrection isn't too hard to come by these days, I mean you've died like twice right?"

Wesley shadowed the doorway. "What's this about?"

Cordelia eyes didn't waver from Angel's. "Buffy's assembling stuff at her new apartment -which I helped her find by the way- and you're bringing materials." Seeing his expression, she snapped. "Don't give me that scared puppy face. It's time."

Wesley decided to temper the message. "What she means is that it was one thing to agonize when you didn't know where she was, but Buffy is here now and planning to stay."

"No more broody-guy. It's time for pro-active guy- you know minus the zits."

Angel Scowled. "What?"

"Buy a T.V."

"What if she sends me away?"

Cordelia frowned. "You face all hell seven days a week. You can face rejection from a girl."

Wesley shook his head. "I'm not sure that's the assurance he needs."

"Well, it's all I've got, so he'll take it."

Again, Wesley made to soften her statements."Angel-"

He looked up at Cordelia. "What materials?"

She smiled quite pleased with herself. "There's the champion spirit."

"Where do people even get wood anymore?" Her smile waned at his ramblings. "In my day, we cut down the nearest tree - wait is that what tree lots are for?"

Seeing Angel begin a pacing babble, she bit back a groan. "She's so going to slay me for this."

"-We have plenty of axes, so I just need to scout out trees."

Wesley picked up on the vampire's eagerness and felt a bit embarrassed for him. He smiled at her. "Your assumption is correct."

When Lilly offered to help fix up her new apartment, she never expected this. Seeing so many kids from the shelter helping paint her baby's nursery, Buffy started to tear up. It seemed like everyone she knew had brought food and brushes. It was part moving her in and part housewarming party. She felt touched by their presence.

The impromptu party was so surreal to her that she didn't even blink when the AI crew showed up. With so many people from her life showing support, it kind of made sense for them to be there. She smiled in their direction and returned to task before her.

If Buffy took Angel's presence badly, Cordy wanted to make herself kind of scarce, so headed straight towards Gunn and Lilly who were joking their way through crib assembly.

Wesley was the first of the team to seek Buffy out. He found her shuffling some books and papers together. The legal titles perplexed him. Making a mental note, Wesley was about to greet her when she beat him to it.

"I take it Cordelia is responsible for your presence."

He tried to adapt an amiable tone. "You know Miss Chase. She's full of surprises"

"You could say that." Her wry expression made him fidget.

She decided to take pity on him. "It's okay. I could actually use a distraction about now."

He sighed, relieved that their presence didn't add to her stress. Feeling more at ease, he inquired, "Since you resigned your position at the diner, how have you been occupying your time?"

She nodded to a newly filled box of paper. "Divorce proceedings."

"Ah." Just looking at the paperwork seemed to exhaust her.

"It's just hard figuring out which clauses Lindsey made and which the firm snuck in. I'm kinda minus a legal expert."

"If you like, I could take a look at the forms. My watcher training did teach me a thing or two about legal jargon."

It was hard to think of him as a friend, but his kindness reminded her that he was not the source of the difficulty. "I would really appreciate that. I just want to get this over with as soon as possible."

He was surprised she accepted his help and also that she was being so honest with him. Encouraged by her trust, he moved to more personal territory. "How are you, really?"

Her tone remained calm and sincere. "Fine, and the more time that passes, the finer I will be."

"I know this must be hard-"

"-breaking him out of Wolfram and Hart was hard, saying goodbye and leaving him on the street was hard, this," She glanced back at the paperwork, "this is just tiring."

"I'm sorry."

"Me too, but when have any of my relationships ended conventionally?" The comment pained him. Before he could voice his sympathy, she preempted, "Chill. On the scale of Buffy-drama, divorce papers barely score a three."

He accepted her placating but remembered the bitterness of her original remark. Looking around the apartment at all of her friends settling her in, he moved on to his main purpose. "So what do you plan to do for employment when this is over?"

"I don't know. I'm okay financially, but I will have a lot of free time on my hands - more than I like."

He replied tentatively, "Given your abilities and knowledge, I was wondering if you might consider a position at Angel Investigations."

"I dropped the slayer gig for reason. I'm not interested in picking it up again."

"I was actually referring to your computer and researching skills. The database you started on Cordelia's computer is proving quite useful, and while Cordelia can make an drinkable cup of coffee she could really use your assistance maintaining it. Flexible hours, measly paycheck, and you would only have to come in maybe two days a week."

"How does your boss feel about this?"

"He won't object." Seeing her consider the idea, he continued, "It might even be an opportunity for you and him to re-establish a type of friendship."

It was like he poured cold water over her mulling.

She stopped considering and sighed, "Wes, sometimes the past is best left alone. I know what you're trying to do and I appreciate it, but neither of us are interested in re-establishing anything - just moving on."

"Living in the same city might make it difficult."

"L.A.'s a big place - bigger than your office which we managed to share and still avoid each other for an entire week."

"Exactly. His eyes flickered with conviction. "It was only a week and you both were as tense as iron. The circumstances played a part ,but is it possible that another part was caused by neither of you knowing how to behave together?"

Her brain returned to its earlier paths of thought.

He prodded, "Perhaps learning to share space naturally is a part of moving on."

That comment earned him the expression he'd been expecting all along. She officially looked annoyed - at him or the situation, he couldn't tell.

"I should check on the kids." She frowned "Leave them unattended with paint for too long and a simple paint job becomes a sloppy and slightly obscene mural."

Without waiting for a response, she strode away from him.

"But you'll think about what I said?" She gave no indication that she heard him . . . not even a pause.

He looked across the room towards Angel who could tell he'd upset her. Wesley gave him an expression that Cordelia would have interpreted, _Don't give me that scowl. Someone had to say it_, but Angel read it as insecure. The conversation didn't end how he wanted it to, and now Wes was nervous their tentative friendship was even more tenuous - if that was possible.

Angel gave a slight nod of acceptance. He couldn't blame Wes for speaking his mind; well, he could, but it wouldn't do any good. Turning away, he admitted his team never listened to him anyways.

He looked at the people crowded around the supplies, and tried to pick out Buffy, but her petite statue kept her from view.

He realized, then, that whatever conversation they needed to have wasn't going to happen here. There were too many people, too many distractions and interruptions - not to mention Wes had already agitated her enough for one night. The current setting was not favorable to him, so he'd stay a while and then slip out.

There would be other opportunities; he'd make sure of it.


	5. Chapter 5: It Had to Be

**Chapter 5: It Had To Be**

It had been a long while since she'd stayed out till nightfall just to walk. Usually she was hunting some demon or other -helping the world in the small ways she still could.

But tonight was different. She didn't stalk the cemeteries or alley ways nor did she ponder the world or its evils. Instead, to the beach and its siren song, she wandered – seeing neither the strangers nor the buildings she passed on the way.

It had been a week since she'd accepted Wesley's help. That morning he had come to her apartment with the papers in tow. Looking at the filled manila envelope, she'd murmured, "It's done. . ."

Wesley explained in a gentle but professional tone, "He set aside a large portion of his estate for you and the baby - even started a college fund. By signing this you are granting them a discreet closure to the affair and they in turn are promising to stay out of your future ones. Your child is yours. They will not interfere."

She signed the paper on top, placed it inside, and finally looked up. "Thank you."

He nodded sealing the envelope and effectively sealing her past. "I think you've dealt with all of this admirably."

She absently stirred the tea she'd made them. She remembered watcher's liked tea. "I'm not running away like before or moving away like we planned, but I am living the way he said we should." She looked at the freshly painted nursery. "I miss him but I don't think that's ever going to change."

"None of this was your fault."

"I'm still sorry I couldn't save him - save us. But we had our chance, we took it, and now it's time to accept it's over."

It wasn't resignation he heard exactly but a quiet determination to see things through. They were heavy words spoke in a heavy tone both of which burdened his soul upon hearing. "Whatever you need whenever you need it, just call. Cordelia and myself - even him, we're here for you."

Her lips remained grim but her eyes softened considerably, "I appreciate that, but this is one of those things I have to deal with in my own way."

He pushed, "If it ever become too much, you're not alone."

"I know." He smiled his parting and made his way to the door. His hand hadn't yet touched the handle when he heard her.

"Okay."

Turning around, he echoed in confusion, "Okay?"

She met his eyes with familiar determination. "I will work with Angel Investigations, but not for."

He amended, "An independent contractor."

"I keep up the databases and handle paperwork. That's all."

Trying to contain his glee, he agreed, "Of course."

"If something happens while I'm there, I'll try and keep you guys alive, but I'm not backup."

He wanted to make sure he understood her. "If we need help-."

"- call someone else."

He nodded and straightened. "Right then."

From highly determined, her demeanor turned almost shy. "Okay. So I'll see soon I guess."

This was new territory for both of them. Neither were entirely sure how to act. He smiled softly to comfort her, a smile which she returned.

He confirmed their arrangement. "We'll see you soon."

The rest of the day had come and gone, and when the moon began its journey so did she. She'd walked until she reached the water's edge, for only the ocean could stop her advance and make her face the quiet.

She'd had many a dream set here, but they took place in the daytime. Darkness claimed so much of her waking life, her dreams seemed reluctant to let it into her sleeping one. But the moon-filled sky proved this wasn't a dream. Neither Alana's nudging nor Lindsey's whispers would rouse her. She wouldn't wake up at her desk. She couldn't wake at all.

She would gladly take nightmares every night, if only they never came true. Yet for all the nightmares she'd had, this was new. She'd dreamed her death, his, their friends', even the end of the world. She'd feared he might lose his soul. . . but what actually happened . . . it was unimaginable.

She'd coped with loss before, but this wasn't like losing people to death or evil. This was emptier, lonelier somehow. There was no grave to mourn over or soul to grieve for. By rights, she shouldn't even be so distraught; Lindsey wasn't dead. In a very real way, he was still him.

He wasn't lost to the world . . . just to her.

With great trepidation, she unfolded a cream envelope with familiar script. She held it in her hand lightly as the need to distance herself from it returned. This last goodbye was one she never wanted, but she needed him now. The paper version was better than no Lindsey. She sat in the sand with the letter in her lap. Minutes went by with her staring at the seal.

Finally, she broke it.

Inside were multiple documents: account information, her new passport, addresses of safe houses and one single paged letter. She knew this could complicate matters, but she didn't have the luxury of simplicity. With a heavy heart, she began to read.

**_Dear Annie,_**

**_ While I've always loved you, I haven't always been the good man you thought I was. I've done horrible things, and if you're reading this, that means I tried too late to make them right. Some things can't be undone, for that I am truly sorry. _**

**_ Tell our son that I love him and that whatever good I had in me at the end was because of you two. You always saw me as a good man, and if I died one, I have you to thank. _**

**_ I know I'm not in a position to ask favors, but I'm asking anyway. Never settle for contentment. Seek out life and love and make sure our son does the same. Be happy; you deserve it._**

**_Love,_**

**_ Lindsey_**

She should have expected this from him. Even after her worst nightmares, Lindsey could always make her smile. In its wake, his love for life and her still managed to keep back despair. It gave her hope and a glimpse of true peace when she neared absolute darkness.

Placing her hands over her stomach, she focused all her thoughts and senses on the part of him she still possessed.

When her thoughts settled to a murmur, and even the waves dulled to a hush, she sensed her quiet companion.

He saw her thrashed from fighting, naked before him, he'd even seen her dead – why shouldn't he see her now? Without her husband and friends and bereft of her light.

"I used to dream I'd find you here, or you'd find me. . . it was nice, the thought of meeting you in a place free of memories." Although he remained silent, she felt him stand beside her. "Turns out the place doesn't matter so much."

"You can't escape your memories," He whispered softly. "They're the one thing that you'll always have." How did he turn her grievance into a reason to give thanks?

She turned to look at him - into soft, brown eyes that hadn't aged a day.

"God, you look exactly the same – like you came from a dream where no time passed – where time doesn't matter." He didn't respond, but she didn't expect him to.

"I knew you didn't age, yet you don't seem to change either." Her marvel lasted but a moment, "but you have changed haven't you, on the inside?"

Her innocence combined with her insight pierced him. "How could I not?"

She gave a ghost of a smile before turning away. "I don't know, in our world, anything seems possible."

"Yeah, I've changed."

She stared out at the sea allowing his presence to calm her. "I don't know if I have. I've had a job and a family but I feel as unsure now as I ever did. I thought I'd grown up and become whoever it is I was supposed to be, but I'm not there yet."

"Buffy, who you are, it's enough." She smirked at her mind's critical reply before turning to him.

"Thank you, for helping get him out. Even if it was just for a little while. At least we got to say goodbye."

Regret filled his eyes. "We never got that, did we?."

She frowned.

"Angel, I've said goodbye to you more times than I care to remember." She scoffed, "and the last few, I couldn't even tell you that's what was happening."

As the gravity of his statement sunk in, she paused. "But no – we never got a proper one. Now's our chance." Her eyes gave him permission to say goodbye.

Now was their chance for closure - for one or both to say farewell and disappear in the night. . . .

He didn't take it, and neither did she. Instead, they stood silently side by side and let the opportunity pass them by. As the waves crashed and the moment passed, Buffy whispered nervously.

"You think L.A. is big enough for the both of us?"

In his sure and cryptic fashion, he replied, "It will have to be."

Simple and true. Someday they would part. One or the other would disappear, be possessed, kidnapped, killed . . . The list went on and on. The day would come when their separation would be permanent and closure impossible.

They knew this, and yet, they couldn't make themselves say goodbye. Even if it meant more suffering later, they wouldn't let each other go. Not now. Not ever. Not willingly.


	6. Chapter 6: Sunny Days Ahead

**Okay, so this is it for now. If all goes according to plan, I will post again in late June.  
**

**There is a very good chance, though, that if I find a few review when I return I will post earlier/more. **

**Just sayin'.**

**Chapter 6: Sunny Days Ahead**

Hearing the door open, Cordelia greeted the client while keeping her eyes on the computer screen. "What can we help you with?"

A slightly irritated voice responded, "I'm looking for Anne. Lilly asked me to meet her here."

Before her stood a slightly intimidating young man in legitimately tattered jeans.

Quelling her desire to comment on his unfashionable appearance, Cordelia chirped, "She is-"

"Here," Buffy strode out from Angel's office smiling, "I'm just going to grab my things and we can leave."

Sunny raised a brow and shot a glance at the brunette. Quickly perceiving both occupants discomfort, Buffy started on explanations.

"Oh, Cordelia this is Sunny, Sunny Cordelia. He's taking me to my doctor's appointment. I told Lil I would meet her there, but she's such a worry wart she went ahead and sent Sunny."

Seemingly satisfied at her response, he smiled his gruff reply, "No such thing as over-worrying when it comes to you."

"Oh, hush."

Cordelia frowned. "Is Lilly alright? Why couldn't' she pick you up?"

"She's fine. This is going to be my first baby appointment, and she just wants to be there."

At that, Cordelia traded her concern for irritation. "You know, we could have given you a ride."

Ignoring her attitude, Buffy smiled, "You guys have more urgent commitments than carpooling pregnant women."

"Sides,' I don't mind driving Anne places." Cordelia tried to keep herself from frowning. She doubted she succeeded.

No matter how happy she was that her friend found people that cared about her, Sunny's whipped state was nauseating. In fact, so was just about everyone's reaction to Buffy.

Dealing with her long absence, she'd forgotten how easy it was for people to love her. Angel, Giles, Xander, Willow, heck even Wes had been watching her with doe eyes. So many people were willing to sacrifice for her.

Even though she'd matured some over the years, Cordelia still thought it wasn't fair. What made her so special? Besides the obvious . . .

Hearing the front door close shook her from jealous musings. She vaguely recalled Sunny saying he'd wait for Buffy in the car.

Her recent reminiscing spurred her to ask, "Are you ever going to tell them who you are?"

Making sure she had everything in her purse, Buffy frowned absently, "What do you mean?"

"Your friend Sunny doesn't even know your name."

"Sure he does."

She remarked, "He calls you Anne."

"That's because I asked him to."

Wishing this conversation to be over as soon as possible, she quickly elaborated, "The name Buffy draws too much demonic attention. That doesn't mean my friends don't know who I am; we've just agreed to present a consistent average-Anne identity to the community."

Realizing her excuse to chide was gone, she sighed, "Oh."

Buffy stepped near the door, but sensed the conversation wasn't finished. Wishing to address her friend's concerns, she continued, "Until he knows who you are, he won't use my name around you."

Cordelia's eyes snapped to hers. "Who am I?"

She answered simply, "Someone I trust."

Just like that, all of Cordelia's bluster evaporated. Buffy didn't say it to threaten her or appease Angel or Wes. She said it because she meant it.

Still digesting the sincerity of her reply, she was caught off guard when Buffy started speaking again. "You know what's out there and you still confront it for all the right reasons." Looking back, she reassured her, "Given time, he'll see that."

The door closed, but something in Cordelia's mind started to open. For the first time, she felt she could understand why others gave her their loyalty. Being around Buffy made her feel limitless - like anything was possible - like maybe she could be a hero too.

She wasn't fully matured yet, but with the right people in her life, she could get there.

* * *

It wasn't her first appointment, but she still had some jitters. In the early stages of pregnancy so many things could go wrong that it was hard to think of anything else while sitting on the exam table.

So, when Lilly distracted her with nosiness; she didn't complain.

Peeking into drawers and cupboards as Lil was wont to do, she asked casually, "How's it going so far?"

"The job or the baby?"

Fiddling with cotton swabs, she smirked, "Give me the answer your doctor doesn't know."

Buffy tried to match her casual tone. "It's alright. The people he's working with now are nice - a little weird - definitely eccentric, but good."

"And the clients?" She closed the drawer a little hard, but her tone hadn't changed, so Buffy kept up the conversation.

"They got all types - poor, single, rich, married - all kinds of people all kinds of cases."

"Sounds interesting . . ." Lilly took a deep breath and sat down.

Sensing her anxiety, Buffy added, "It's kind of scary not knowing what's gonna walk through the door."

Lilly's eyes darted to hers. "You don't have to do that."

Seeing her curious frown, Lil explained, "It's okay that you're more excited than scared. You like adventure; as long as I've known you it has been your thing."

The truth wasn't always comforting, but her friends wouldn't accept anything less.

Buffy conceded her point but continued, "He's right though. I can't be that girl now. I have to be a mom."

Lilly tried to put aside her own preferences and really listen to her friend. "Just because you don't act on your feelings doesn't mean the feelings change. The difference is when a cool case comes through the door, you don't follow it out."

"I almost did," she guiltily admitted. "This guy came in looking for his younger brother. These things messed with his family - chopped off his finger."

"That's awful."

"When things hurt mom, I couldn't think past the rage - the need for revenge. Nothing mattered besides keeping her safe and making so nothing hurt my family again."

"You could empathize with him."

The far off tone she'd used when speaking of her mother returned to normal. "Except I couldn't."

"Because of the baby?"

"He wasn't angry. He wasn't anything - not broken or scared, just nervous."

"People handle trauma differently. Maybe he was still in shock. You said he saw his brother's chopped off finger."

Remembering the scene, she frowned, "I don't think he has a brother, or if he does, he doesn't care about him."

"Because he wasn't emotional?"

"If my only family were in danger, I would have everything at stake. That's not how this guy talked. He came to Angel for a reason, but not the one he said."

"You think it's a trap."

"Maybe." She saw Lilly's pensive expression. "But Angel has been around awhile. He'll be okay right? He doesn't need me."

"Maybe not, but if you want to be there, then maybe you need to be."

"It's this feeling that won't go away. Maybe I could drop by the office tonight - before he goes patrolling for it . . . just in case."

"I trust your gut. I think you should too."

Lilly gave a supportive smile, but Buffy could see the wariness behind it. Their lives were changing so much so fast - too fast for either of them to know if the changes were good or not. She leaned against Lilly, and encouraged her to lean against her. Shoulder to shoulder with her, Buffy tried to soothe the concern. From experience, she knew the hero lifestyle was hell on loved ones.

The doctor entering broke their connection, and Buffy was thankful. She appreciated still having someone in her life who worried about her, but sometimes it was hard dealing with her friend's worry as well as her own.


	7. Chapter 7: Never Alone

**Loyal readers, I am back from my travels and pleased to post the next portion. I hope never to go that long between chapters again.  
**

**Happy reading!**

**Chapter 7: Never Alone**

Sunny went by the shelter but Anne wasn't there. Lilly said she might be at the detective agency; that thought made him frown. Even though he knew she could handle herself, he didn't particularly like the thought of her walking home alone. If nothing else, she could use some company.

Like when they first met, Anne often spent nights gazing at nothing. He didn't expect her to open up to him, but no one should be alone with that many thoughts. If mere company kept sad memories away, he'd gladly accompany her everywhere.

As he drew closer to the entrance, he heard voices inside.

"You'll do no such thing! We have an agreement. We agreed she is not our backup."

Through the window, he saw the brunette holding a phone. "But we need help. Angel needs help."

A nerdy English dude came into view. "And he'll get it. We can figure this out ourselves. We have to."

The girl insisted. "But she would want to help him."

"He's in trouble, yes, and he will be again. In this line of work, our lives are endangered several times a month. Even you realize the entire world is at stake at least once a year. If we can't remain calm and figure this out then we shouldn't be working here." He concluded, "This isn't her problem."

"But-"

"We can't guilt her into this you said that."

"I know but-"

"If we call her, she will help." A look of relief fell over her, so he continued, "But that will be it. Afterwards, she'll quit, and that connection will be forever severed." She still held the phone but her grip was looser. He conceded, "If you think the situation has reached that point, then call."

Both the English man and their unknown observers anxiously awaited her decision. One call could change so much.

Slowly she placed the phone back in its cradle. "So what do we do?"

The man assured the woman, "What we always do: improvise and hope for the best."

Having heard enough, Sunny turned away.

Anne wasn't inside, and from that conversation, he gathered that was a good thing. She didn't want to play wonder woman. It's why she insisted on keeping her skills under wraps. Only a few kids at _Sanctuary _knew about it. If you needed something, you went to them. If they pointed you her way it was with the understanding that you kept your mouth shut.

Looking back at the wretched building, he grimaced.

Those losers got wind of her identity and thought they could use her for profit. The secretary gig was just an excuse to get her in the building. After that, it wouldn't be hard to let a stray victim cross her path. After a few pleas and tears, Anne would willingly lead any battle.

He'd give them credit though. They understood she wasn't attached to the place or to them - not yet. Leaving this job behind wouldn't be difficult; especially, when they gave her such good reasons to leave.

Right now, they were playing it safe - allowing her to get comfortable in the neutral role. Given time, though, they would start pushing -the brunette especially. He was sure of it.

It would be small things at first and gradually the tasks would get bigger until Anne did the fighting and paperwork to boot. He doubted they'd pay her for it. Most victims didn't carry cash or have solid credit. Add to that her selfless nature, and whatever compensation they did receive would go to everyone but her.

None of that mattered though. Whether they paid in money or guilt; she deserved more. All he wanted was to keep his friend away from the users.

Mid-mental ramblings, he spotted said friend on the other side of the street. He jogged over noisily so as not to startle her.

"Hey Sunny"

He smiled at her smile. "I figured you could use some company - plus the TV's out again."

"In that case I might just leave it broken." They soon fell into step with one another.

He noticed the direction of their walk "This is a little farther than normal."

She nodded, "I want to stop by the office for a minute."

"Because the world will burn if your filing isn't time stamped by midnight."

"Well, not so much, but they have this case-"

"A monster case," he supplied.

"That's kind of their specialty. But I have this niggling feeling they need help."

"This a real solid niggle or an excuse to check up on them?"

Buffy scowled at his perceptiveness. "Stop that."

"I thought you weren't doing that type of work."

"I'm not."

"Then maybe swinging by ain't the best plan."

Her steps faltered, "I- well-"

"They've survived a few months doing this job. I think they'll make it through the night."

She shook her head as if to clear her thought. "You're right. It's just hard being involved without actually being involved."

He murmured, "You're going to have to get used to it if you want this gig to last."

Her silence spoke agreement. She knew he was right and yet . . . "I'm a different person when I'm there . . . . You ever miss a version of yourself?

He shrugged, "You thinkin' of changing back?

She scoffed. "Not possible. All it takes is takes is seeing someone from my life now to remember what my life is."

He slipped in slyly, "It's a good thing I was here then."

That comment alone served as a reminder. This wasn't just any conversation. It was conversation between two friends whose feeling could be hurt. No matter what confusing events brought her here, they were the same ones which brought Sunny into her life. He knew this.

She murmured, "A lot of things have happened that I wouldn't change."

He accepted her unspoken apology. She regretted the pain, but she didn't regret him. He could relate to the paradox.

Not wanting her to feel so alone, he shared, "What you said before, I get it. Life leaves marks. Before there got to be so many, living was easier: hanging at school, going home to family. I can't really remember what it was like to think that way."

"I vaguely recall thoughts being lighter, but you're right; we can't go back."

Silence reigned until Sunny kicked away an empty can. "My moms said pickin' at cuts don't make em heal faster- just makes a scar . . . of course, that just made me pick at them more."

She would have laughed, but as things were, a smile was all she could muster. "If I'm gonna pass the lesson to my kid, I should start leaving cuts alone. Examples don't hurt."

They automatically began making mental list of their physical marks from burns, knives, stakes, teeth . . . his was longer, but hers wasn't insignificant. It was an odd moment for both of them.

He skipped a step to pick up his pace. "Come on, once we finish this route, we can join Lil for her late-night cup of worry."

"If you're around, she might pull out the marshmallows."

He smiled as she matched his strides. "With that many kids, you can't blame her for hiding the sweets."

"From them: no, but me?"

"We got you two cakes for your birthday knowing once unattended, you'd devour a whole one."

"I don't devour. I mindlessly nibble."

"Lil's seen you mindlessly nibble away a gallon of ice cream."

"Exaggeration meant to liven conversation."

"That's why kids inhale their chocolate bars before coming inside."

"Pphht."

They turned towards _Sanctuary_ with a touch of joy, for in the midst of so many changes, they still had friendship and with it a sense of safety, familiarity and belonging. Their idea of home wasn't in bricks and mortar. It was in the souls of friends, and right then, they felt at home.


	8. Chapter 8: Protecting Innocence

**Chapter 8: Protecting Innocence**

"You know," Wesley glanced at the closed office door. "Eventually, Cordelia's computer tutorial will end."

"You're saying there's a limit of her ridiculous questions?"

"I was thinking more of her teacher's tolerance."

Angel's smirk immediately disappeared. "You're right. Let's hurry this up."

"Which tube was supposed to be off limits?" Wesley sorted through the small leather pouch.

"Anything she told us not to use, I'm pretty sure I don't want to use." He looked nervous. "I'm going for natural."

"In that case, Cordelia's purse was probably not the best one to raid."

Angel pawed through the products on the desk. "It's not like I'll be spending time in direct light."

"Cordelia wrapping bandages and myself applying makeup," Wesley griped, "not the smartest delegation choice. She would be more useful here and I could be just as useful out there."

Angel accidentally squished the puff ball of a perfume bottle. He jumped back as the potent mist hit his nostril. "I needed someone to distract Buffy -not be distracted by her. If I ever need someone to sniff her hair, you're the one for the job."

Wesley tried not to blush. "I imagine you'd take over that particular task."

"Guess that leaves you jobless in terms of her."

"I would not needle the man currently applying your makeup."

"The result will reflect more on your lack of skill than mine," said the man who lacked a reflection. "You're using the translucent powder right instead of foundation?"

"I used the mauve lipstick, the cover girl concealer, and - ah, yes," Wesley looked at the round compact he was currently dabbing from. "I am finishing applying the translucent powder since your skin tone is much to light for anything with actual pigment."

"Good. Good. I don't want to look yellow."

"A sour looking boss is not ideal, no."

Looking around at the mess of tissues, powder dust, and spilled perfume, Wesley sighed. "Tell me again why you couldn't just lay low this particular Tuesday?" They both new his facial bruises would be completely healed in another day or two.

"If I don't go out there and grab my coffee like I do every time Buffy stops by, she'll think something went wrong last night."

"You call being enslaved in a demon gladiator ring as doing our job right?"

"Even when I don't have things under control, I have to fake it: for you guys and for her. Looking like I spent time learning the limitations of vampire strength isn't having things under control."

"I'm hurt that don't mind me seeing your injuries, yet for Buffy, you pull out the translucent powder."

"I promise, if I had a bag of makeup in the ring, I would have made use of it."

Wesley ventured, "Weapons?"

"Doesn't that look like a stake." Angel glanced at the eye liner.

Wesley nodded and picked up the offending perfume. "This could certainly function as mace."

"Just looking at this reminds me of my torture days." He held up an eyelash curler for Wes to see.

"What is it?"

"No clue, but it spurs the imagination - an element of the best devices."

He held back a shiver. "This conversation is officially done, and so is your make up."

Angel lifted up his hands to his face as he got used to the feeling of makeup. "How do I look?"

Wesley grimaced slightly. "You might want to be extra downcast this morning."

Angel nodded to the side in casual agreement. His line of work was risky. If he died before her next visit and this was how she remembered him - oh, he would have a serious rant at The Powers.

Bracing themselves for the jury in the next room, they hastily put Cordy's purse back in order.

Pushing aside the zipped up bag, Angel spoke seriously, "Thank you . . . for leaving her out of it."

Wes did not realize Angel knew they considered calling her. Trying to contain his surprise, he replied, "In the end, we agreed the situation didn't warrant such measures."

"I can't think of any that would."

He considered him a moment. "Quite right."

Angel added to his surprise by leading the way into the main room. There, they found the two girls smiling as Buffy helped bookmark some web pages.

"I promise this is less than impossible."

Cordelia squinted at the tool bar titles in frustration. "It would be easier if the stupid bar didn't have to have so many buttons: saved pages, bookmarks, favorites - three names for the same thing."

Wesley chimed in, "Actually-"

"-This is me ignoring the walking dictionary."

The two men felt relief that they didn't look up from their work. Trying to not to draw their attention, they quietly poured themselves some coffee - content to drink in silence and savor the nearby banter.

Wesley understood then, better than ever the importance of what he'd done. As Buffy laughed again, their eyes met above the rims.

Scenes like these which lacked underlying resentment or guilt were precious and worth preserving.

If Buffy saved him, Angel would live to see her leave, and it wouldn't be worth it. By keeping his promise, Wesley had protected innocence - both hers and theirs.

Like Angel, Wesley considered saving souls his mission. In a small way, he'd now helped a few. The thought put a smile on his face. He looked up and saw Angel returning it.

Maybe things would work out after all.

The incoming visitors door interrupted his contented musings.

"Anne, you ready?"

In the doorway stood Lilly and Sunny.

"Just give me a few minutes."

"Where are they whisking you off to now?"

The visitors answered in unison. "Lunch"

Buffy elaborated, "A few kids I know are working at my old diner. We thought we'd stop by and say hello."

Lil smiled self-consciously, "We share a car, but neither of us are big on driving."

"I'm the shelter chauffeur." Sunny didn't mean it as a boast, but it kind of came out that way.

"Why don't you guys have a seat while I finish getting Cordy set up here."

Lilly sat down without a thought, but Sunny was a bit more reluctant. He preferred to stand by her side looking ready for anything.

After a few more clicks and gripes, Cordelia had her settings the way she wanted them. Buffy gathered her things but wanted to take care of one more thing before she left.

Putting on her coat, Buffy looked at the others but spoke to Angel, "Everything go okay with the last case?" When they didn't answer right away she dared a glance at Angel silently requesting an answer.

"Not a problem."

She scanned his face for signs of deceit or injury; he couldn't tell which. She must have missed both because she just smiled softly and whispered, "I'm glad."

Relief filled him.

She saw what she wanted to see, but knowing what she wanted made the pretense worth it. By working with them, she risked getting pulled into a dangerous lifestyle, but she still gave it a shot because she wanted this in her life; she wanted him in her life. He certainly wasn't going to point out the situation's problems. For as long as possible, he'd pretend there weren't any.

Buffy grabbed her purse, and Cordelia tried to smile. "Anywhere but here right?"

It was hard watching her walk out with other friends - into a life which none of them shared, but the truth was, they weren't in high school anymore.

Buffy looked at all of them a moment. "See ya guys."

"Good bye Buffy," Wes called after her.

Sunny read his expression and took the words as a threat. They knew who she was and what she could do, and they wanted him to know it.

Lilly and Buffy walked towards the car chatting while Sunny contemplated his next move. Whatever Angel Investigations was planning, he knew he had to be ready.

Best friends didn't come around every day and he was determined to keep his safe from harm.


	9. Chapter 9: Pass on the Concern

**Chapter 9: Pass on the Concern**

She needed saving and he wanted to save.

Apparently, the world saw that as big news.

As proof, on the front table lay a tabloid with Angel and Rebecca Lowell (aka 'Raven') on the cover.

Looking at their picture, Buffy thought he looked extra protective - like she was dear to him. Perhaps, that was her imagination taking liberties, but from the way Cordelia huffed at the photo, Buffy felt safe in her assumptions.

Cordy had bought the magazine out of curiosity and because she wanted to needle her boss about it. She forgot which morning it was and who would be around the office that day. Seeing the direction of the girl's focus, she anxiously grabbed and trashed the offending pages.

Buffy was touched by the gesture; however, it wasn't necessary. She smiled softly. "Cordelia, it's okay."

"That tabloid was definitely not okay. It makes it seem like they're together."

"It does." Buffy settled herself behind the desk seemingly unflustered.

"And that doesn't bother you?"

"Angel deserves whatever happiness is still possible for him. I can't grudge him that."

"Sure you can."

She frowned. "Cordelia, I married someone else -choosing a life of children and joint accounts. I won't deny him the same."

"I would."

Queen C's ego aside, Buffy didn't buy it. "You're like a sister to him; you don't want to see him unhappy."

"If it means I stay alive, then I really do."

Sighing, Buffy took stock of how much she didn't want to have this conversation. "What happened before -no one knew the rules then. If he thought it was even a possibility, he never would have kissed me let alone . . ."

Cordy grimaced. "Don't elaborate."

"You need to trust him."

"Do you?"

In some ways yes and in others no she thought, but, "With this stuff? Yeah, I do."

"And with other stuff?"

"Before wasn't his fault."

"That's not an answer."

Buffy wished her friend was as oblivious as she appeared. "I'm here, so it shouldn't really matter." Pulling out the recent case files, she started working, thus, signaling the end of the conversation.

Cordy noticed the avoidance and knew now wasn't the time to push. Given time, Buffy would talk about her issues; given more time, she might even get over them. That was the hope anyway.

* * *

"Yes?" Wesley found Cordelia loitering in the office doorway looking anxious.

"That was Rebecca on the phone. She wants to have lunch with me - maybe do some shopping."

"There's no urgent case keeping you here, and even if there was, you're not one to ask permission."

"It feels weird."

"Since when does spending time with a famous actress not 'make life better'?"

"I just don't want to encourage it."

"Your association with Rebecca Lowell?"

Her quiet nervous demeanor lost its quietness. "What if they get together - like in a celibate-relationship kind of way? He would move in with her and become totally rich and kinda famous and then we'd never see him again."

Exhausted by her rant, he took a seat. "He's merely spending time with the lady."

"He's staying at her house and escorting her to movie premieres."

"To save her life"

"The ultimate pick-up routine," she added.

"You actually think Angel is trying to seduce an actress?"

Cordelia qualified her concern. "I think our actress is trying to seduce him and he's too clueless to notice."

"We should trust Angel. He hasn't done anything for us not to."

"That's what Buffy said." She sat on the edge of the desk a bit deflated.

"Did she then. . ." That bit of information pleased him.

She sighed. "I don't understand how everyone is so calm about him dating."

"Maybe because, until it imperils the world, it's none of our business."

"Change affects me to, and I don't like it."

He smiled ruefully, "Few people do."

"Things were just getting good again."

"How do you mean?"

Cordelia's great concern for Angel's soul now seemed to be a front for a deeper concern.

"When Buffy first came Sunnydale, it was hard, but when she left . . . it was like no one was willing to get attached after that. Giles left, Xander and Willow barely talk anymore, and Angel - well, he reverted to hermit guy."

"Things can never be as they were."

"I know." She backtracked, "Okay maybe I don't, but with her here, things feel settled. The office is familiar and friendlier. And even if it isn't true, she makes it seem like things could stay like this - like the really important things never have to change. I miss that."

"People move on; that's a part of life."

"Could they just stop for a while?"

"Have lunch with Rebecca. It is a good opportunity for you."

She nodded, but present circumstances curbed her natural exuberance.

Watching a family devolve back into strangers couldn't have been easy. Like her, Wesley hoped she wouldn't experience it a second time.

* * *

"You're heading home early." Gunn jogged to keep up with her surprisingly brisk pace.

"I don't actually live at Sanctuary anymore. Haven't in a while."

He panted; weren't babies supposed to slow people down? "Well, whenever I see you, you're either coming from or going to - fits my definition of home."

Buffy quirked a brow. "That implies you see me a lot. The fact you're I'm aware of it this time means. . ."

"I need your help." A fact which she already deduced, but she looked trouble like there was something wrong with him telling her. Knowing her source of news, he explained, "Sunny doesn't know. I don't like being on the outs, so I've been controlling his flow of information."

"What he does keeps the rest of you safe." They'd been over this - multiple times.

"Well, that's _my_ job, and if I want to bring in help, then _I'll _be the one asking."

"Now that you know who to ask, it's on you." She stopped walking to face him. "If you go into a nasty situation without me knowing, any lives lost are on your shoulders."

He frowned. "I know."

"Hey," She maneuvered to meet his eyes again. "Don't get indignant with me. Before this, he was carrying that load. When things go bad, he either underestimated the enemy or overestimated your guys' capability." He scowled at the ability comment, but she continued on, "Sunny learned the worst way that it's best to evict pride and live in caution. If you want to survive the responsibility, you'll learn too."

To prove he understood, he matched her straight talk. "A certain vamp gang is gaining power. They're not shy about making fledglings and we can't kill them fast enough."

She seemed pleased with his frankness, but he still looked anxious. His gaze kept returning to her stomach. "You sure you're the person to ask?"

She looked annoyed. "I'll be fine -always am, but tell your kids to hold comment. I don't need anyone baiting me into proving how capable I am." She smirked. "With these mood swings, they might not like the demonstration."

Her quick shift from offended to mischievous made him wary. "No offending the baby maker. Got it." He refocused the conversation to safer territory. "The guys want to go out tonight. They think they found the nest and want to attack before it moves."

"After my patrol, I'll come by the compound. We can leave from there."

Nodding, he was just about to cross the street when she spoke again.

"Next time you want to talk, meet me at _Sanctuary_." To his reluctant expression, she responded, "You guys being around spreads more faith than fear. It sends the message that once family always family - no matter what happens on the outside."

He shook his head. "You're trying to make something that neither of us had," he's eyes sparkled with frustration, "that maybe doesn't exist."

"Yeah." She replied with an impish grin, "And you're going to help me." As he struggled to find retort, she turned and walked away. "See ya tonight!"

Instead of looking back, she focused on the sky above and observed how early was. Gunn was right about that.

With so many hours left until tomorrow, she couldn't stop wondering what surprises lay ahead. As Giles once said, suspicion and safety go hand in hand.

Her next step faltered.

Shaking her head, she pushed the memories aside. It must be all the talk of responsibility and family which stirred them up. She rarely thought about hom-Sunnydale!- she never thought about Sunnydale, the Hell mouth or any of the other things that weren't for her - at least, not anymore. . .

She just needed to narrow her focus on what lay before her: buildings and sky and a simple mission for the night. If she left other thoughts alone for a while, soon enough, she'd find them settled again in their tucked away places. Until then she just needed to be cautious and patient.

That was her new mantra: caution and patience.

It'd make Giles proud. . . . and it just might break her.

* * *

With the case being solved, his guard duty was over, but his work never was. Returning from his nightly patrol of L.A., Angel started disarming himself of concealable weapons. On his way to the back, he spotted the discarded tabloid.

He frowned at Wesley's approaching presence. "Does she know about . . .?"

"The case? yes." Wesley looked at the magazine, "She knows about Ms. Lowell. I wouldn't fret too much; she seems to be handling it well."

He blurted defensively, "We're not together."

"You and Buffy? Of course not."

"Me and Raven; we're not together - not even close." He thought back on his day. "Actresses are pretty unflappable but also largely self-involved."

Wesley saw his gaze shift back to the tabloid. "No one would fault you for being intrigued."

"She's a beautiful woman, but I can't have that with her."

Wesley smiled ruefully. "It's possible to have companionship without intercourse."

"That's not it."

He gently prodded, "If this is about Buffy, she understands. She approves even."

Throwing down his wrist stakes, he snapped, "It doesn't matter what she approves of." His exasperation quickly turned to desperation. "Taking an interest in anyone would be like giving up. Maybe she's ready to, but I'm not."

"Angel-"

"She's barely here as it is." His outburst immediately silenced Wes. "If I don't hold on, she'll leave. I know it, and she can't ever _not _matter to me." The last sounded less like a fact and more a reminder of what he wanted to be true.

Observing the vampire before him become increasingly unstable, Wesley shifted subjects, "Let's just focus on closing this case." Seeing him trying to compose himself, he added for comfort, "I don't believe she is ready- to let go that is. If she was, she wouldn't be here."

"I can't rely on that."

"It's just something to think about."

Angel looked thoughtfully at the old Buffy-brewed coffee "Thank you." Wesley left without another word, but Angel remained looking at the coffee.

Reaching for his half-full cup, he poured the remains in the trash. The images within absorbed the liquid and quickly became a soggy, putrid mess. The result was satisfactory.

Replacing the mug, he continued on his way through the office and down to his apartment.

He didn't harbor ideas of a happy ending for the two of them, but he couldn't abandon all possibility. There might be other loves and allies, but there would never be another 'them.' Buffy and Angel: they were unique to each other. He was old enough not to take that for granted.

The only reason she gave up on their dream was because he died . . . because she killed him. Thankfully, he didn't have that excuse, but he wasn't looking for another.

He had a lot of experience living life without her, and he knew it didn't suit him. Whether he was monster or just another lost soul, without her, he wasn't good for anyone.

She brought out more humanity in him than he knew he had, and he refused to give it up. He wouldn't go back to being worthless. He couldn't.


	10. Chapter 10: Ughph

**The past two weeks I've had the intention of posting twice a week. Instead of extra posts, my intention has been resulting in longer posts. My inner editor just doesn't like to stop tweaking things until it absolutely has to.**

**This note is just to let ya'll know, your reviews have been influencing posts. Thanks to your reviews, readers are getting extra scenes and longer chapters, so sending feedback does have an impact.  
**

**Chapter 10: Unghph**

Buffy answered the phone, "Sanctuary."

"We need your help."

"Cordelia?"

Another voice came on the line. "It's a matter of urgency."

"Sorry, I already have an urgent matter scheduled for tonight."

"Ms. Chase called me with troubling information about her luncheon with Ms. Lowell."

Cordy rushed, "She wants Angel to turn her!"

Full of certainty, Buffy replied firmly, "He wouldn't."

"But Angelus might." Wesley took the silence as encouragement to continue. "She is familiar with the curse on his soul as well as the necessary rituals."

Why couldn't those who 'helped the helpless' help themselves? This was exactly the kind of thing she didn't want to deal with.

"Angel knows his limits. Chances are if I bust in there, all I'm going to be interrupting is harmless flirt time."

"All we care about is staying alive and non-tortured."

"Ms. Lowell has great incentive to manipulate circumstances to get what she wants."

"After this, you guys are going to talk with Angel about your doubts because this is ridiculous: asking me to break up a date."

"Does that mean you'll come?"

She sighed, "I'm leaving now."

"Thank you."

Wesley added, "We're sorry."

"Just drive the woman back to her home. I'll get there as fast as I can."

Unfortunately, as fast she could was almost too late.

* * *

Slipping in back office window, Buffy could hear voices in the main room.

"Angel, I want you to listen to me. What you're experiencing is not genuine. You've been fed a drug. It's simulating bliss. All that you're feeling is just chemical suggestion. . . . . . Angel?"

The voice she heard next halted her movements. "Name's Angelus."

"I don't wish to resort to drastic measures, but unless you listen, I warn you." Even from this distance, she could hear the tremor in his voice.

"You warning me? What happened, Wes? - Did you suddenly grow a pair? Well, that's it, isn't it? I mean, that's the whole root of your inferiority complex. Well, good news, Wes, old boy! You don't really have an inferiority complex. You're just simply – inferior."

She could hear some shuffling and a forceful impact which she guessed was someone being slammed into something solid.

"Wesley, no! Well, oh, why don't you juss-ss."

He mocked, "Juss-s?"

"Just leave her alone."

Stilling, he didn't face her immediately. For that she was glad. She would take every second she could to compose herself.

"Hello lover." He turned and smiled. "It's been too long. My, how you've grown."

"Cordelia, get Wesley and Rebecca and get out."

Looking at the unconscious Wes, Cordy argued, "Bu-but."

"Bu-but," Angelus chuckled, "Line?"

Buffy did not share his amusement. "Drag him if you have to." She heard Cordelia slink against the wall towards Wesley.

"I agree it's been long since we've had some alone time." She heard the labored dragging sounds and guessed Rebecca slipped out already. "By the way, cute stunt - the whole sending me to hell thing."

"Too bad it didn't stick."

"Awe, no need for harsh words. We both know you missed me."

Buffy moved to the others covering them as they escaped out the front door. Her effort was unnecessary since he didn't spare them a glance. "So much so that I left town, made a new life, and completely forgot about my old one and everything having to do with you."

"Is that why you've been fetching my coffee and cleaning my weapons - to forget about me?"

His lack of interest in the fleeing query troubled her. Circling each other, they sized up the other's vulnerabilities.

"Me being here is proof of just how much I've moved on." She pulled out a stake from her back pocket and gestured casually. "Funny how a husband and son make the big teenage romances not so big." She heard the beginning rumblings of a growl. "Face it lover, you lost your power over me years ago."

When he kicked a chair out of his way, she tried with both mind and body to keep from flinching at the crash. "Yet here you've been hiding from me - skirting round this office - keeping quiet. I didn't think anyone had that power, but behold even the soul can make the slayer meek."

Gathering her courage, she took a firm stride forward. "I'll show you meek."

He smiled and for a reason unknown that smile gave her enough confidence to take the first swing.

He countered effectively, but she didn't mind at all. She hadn't lied when she said the pregnancy increased her powers. What she lost in speed, she made up for in instinct and brute strength.

The casual observer would have smiled at the site of a petite pregnant woman beating back a six feet and plus monster, but there were no observers to their skirmish.

Alone, the two of them hit and kicked each other around the room. Fortunately, Buffy saw what he didn't.

Having gotten her in a temporary hold, Angelus bent down for bite of her neck. Looking up at him, she grinned. Her sly expression of victory and the incoming elbow were one of the last things he saw before his vision went black.

Looking down the open elevator shaft, she observed the fall knocked him unconscious. If any other foe lay before her, she'd be punning, but in this circumstance, relief wasn't possible. Comedic lines and emotional catharsis were noticeably absent.

This was just another chapter in a tale that may never end. Gazing at her fallen foe, she knew the battle wasn't over

One day, they'd meet again.

* * *

"Unghph."

"That about sums it up."

Angel opened his eyes to find Buffy sitting on the floor across from his bed. He tried to take stock of his situation. "I can't move."

"Probably cuz of the chains." Looking down, he saw the pounds of chains of which she spoke.

"I had somewhere to be last night, so on the off chance you woke up, I rummaged through your stuff and found some chains. Didn't think you'd mind."

He groaned. "Last night-"

"Yeah."

"I was-"

"Yup."

"Unghph."

"And that's when you came in." After a moment of silence, she looked at the floor. "So, are you you?"

"Yeah."

Standing up she scrutinized him: his body movements, his expression and nodded definitively. "Good."

Then, without a word of farewell, she walked up the stairs. Angel didn't have the inclination nor the energy to call out, so instead, he fell back asleep. Maybe dreams would be more forgiving.

* * *

Closing the front door offered little relief. When she looked up at the, she saw Gunn sitting in the living room awaiting her.

"I'm sorry I was late. It won't happen again."

He followed her through_ Sanctuary _to the back kitchen. "You were saving someone else's day. That gets you slack."

She started making the first pot of the day. "Thank you for waiting."

"I asked you in to spare them unnecessary fighting. Annoyance doesn't change the situation."

"It won't happen again."

"You already said that." At her grimace, he checked his volume. The kids shouldn't have to wake up before the sun did. "Look I didn't follow you home to critique your work ethic. I'm here to tell you, I've got this."

She made eye contact and he explained, "I asked the baby maker for fighting help and I took the heat of shame by making everyone wait - for you." He stopped her from interrupting "-'it won't happen again.' I heard, but I don't care." Leaning against the wall, he crossed his arms. "The point is, I held up my side in this. . . and so did you."

She pulled out a coffee cup waiting for his point.

"You've been helping us this whole time, but now I'm a part of this. I don't want anyone doing my work."

And there it was. She surmised, "You don't want Sunny involved."

"I'd say we were hurting bad if someone so young was taking on something this big."

She turned to face him completely and tested him. "You'll ask for my help when you need it."

"Yeah, I will."

"You'll ask me to take of the problems you shouldn't." When he didn't answer right away, she rubbed her neck irritably, "That's a part of the deal. A lot of the time, I'm not extra muscle. I go in alone and eliminate the threat."

"Okay, yeah."

"And if you fail to ask for my help, results are on you. You don't show up here yelling at me or Sunny for your mistake."

His eyes grew wide. "He did that?"

"Losing people is always hard, but losing friends?" She muttered, "I'm surprised it only happened once." Her eyes softened, "but he didn't ask for that burden. This is you, asking."

He nodded. "If I don't call you in, I won't lay what happens on anyone else. I'll deal."

Leaning against the counter, she accepted his answers. "Okay, we try it your way."

He corrected, "We do it my way."

She considered him before nodding. "You explain it to Sunny then."

Standing up from the wall, he argued, "You're closer to him."

"You're the one wanting him to leave tattling to you." Seeing him fidget, she rubbed her neck again wearily and headed to the freezer. "Gunn, that's what this is: admitting to an outsider that you can't handle situations and neither can your friends. Once they pick up on it, that's exactly what they'll think of you coming to me."

He shrugged. "It doesn't matter what they think. It's necessary."

Pulling out an ice pack, she continued, "And if you want a responsible kid to leave a necessary task to you, you're going to need his trust." She closed her eyes enjoying the cool against her aching neck. "And I'm saying you got to ask for it and not through me."

He slumped back against the wall indulging his exhaustion. "I knew you were hard, but about this stuff, it makes sense."

"I didn't stay to take care of you." Opening her eyes, she met his. "I stayed to take care of them - with you."

"Thanks."

"No problem." She closed her eyes again and listened as the coffee percolated.

"Got an extra cup?"

Without opening her eyes, she reached behind her for a second mug and placed it beside hers.

Certain of the other's commitment, they felt a sense of camaraderie that wasn't there before.

Of course, they respected each other, valued the same things, and played nice around others. After all, their friends were friends, but maybe now, it was their turn.

If Alana knew he was contemplating friendship, she'd be smug and highly amused. His sis used to say if they ever spent real time together they'd be like family. Listening to the coffee maker beside her, he thought maybe she was right. Maybe they would be.

* * *

Sensing another presence, he woke up with a slight groan. "Buffy?"

"No Cordelia. Cordelia and Wesley."

He found them watching him from pulled out chairs. His eyes filled with shame and regret.

"Guys, oh God, I'm so sorry. Are you okay? Is everyone okay?"

"We are unharmed."

Cordy grumbled, "You're just lucky you have a slayer on your staff to keep us that way."

"How is she?"

"I take it you're referring to miss slays-alot and not the actress who let you inner sociopath out to play."

Too curious to be offended, he mutely nodded.

Wesley answered, "Buffy is fine. A little tired which is why I advised her to go home and rest. She probably won't be in next week but she plans to continue working and e-mail us what we need."

"How did she seem?"

Cordy glowered. "Like she just faced your inner demon."

He grimaced. Buffy and his inner demon had history and none of it good. He thought it was one problem they wouldn't have to deal with again, but in their line of work, problems rarely stay solved.

Wesley reluctantly freed him from his own chains before walking up the steps with Cordelia. She went before him and when it looked like she was nearing the top, he turned back to Angel. "I know you didn't want us to ask her for help, but we felt-"

"You did the right thing." He surveyed the nearby drops of blood and broken furniture. "There was a life at stake."

Wesley followed his gaze. "All our lives actually."

"What else could you do?"

They both knew the answer was nothing, so instead Wes insisted, "We don't know that this will drive her away. After taking a little time, she might consider it a good thing. Now that the inevitable has happened, everyone can stop dreading her involvement. Maybe it'll be a relief."

"We'll know in a couple weeks." Angel looked at her spot on the floor. "Either she'll come back or she won't."

Wesley left and when night fell, Angel left too. It started out as a routine patrol, but unlike other nights, he allowed himself to wander. As expected, he found himself in her neighborhood and crossing paths with its protector who look less than pleased.

"I have this part of town covered."

Being acknowledged, he joined her side. "I know, I just came to -"

"encroach?"

"apologize . . . for the other night and to thank you for your help."

"It's fine, Angel."

They walked in silence the rest of the block.

"I'm sorry."

She looked sad but sounded weary. "Let's just forget it, okay?"

"Okay." She accepted his apology . . . kind of. He didn't feel right asking for more

"I have a few more blocks to patrol, and you have the rest of L.A., so I'll catch you later."

"Goodbye," he murmured to her retreating form.

Her dismissal didn't surprise him.

It's the reason he tried ignoring the situation's problems and leaving their past unmentioned, but it couldn't last. Eventually, he knew something would bring it up. The Lowell case was one of a hundred possible scenarios. He just didn't expect it to come up so soon. Foolishly, he let himself believe they had more time.

Because of his accommodating attitude she started relaxing around them; now, she could barely make eye contact.

Maybe they should have broached the tough topics earlier. At least then, he'd know the nature of her thoughts.

Watching her stride away, he wondered if she feared him or hated him. Deserving both, he couldn't object to either, but he needed to know where he stood with her.

At the moment, she wouldn't let him stand anywhere near.


	11. Chapter 11: Still There?

**This isn't a midweek chapter like I was aiming for, but it's still before Sunday, so I'm feeling pretty proud. There will be another post on Sunday. This one is just a happy summer bonus.  
**

**P.S. Positive reinforcement is a good.  
**

**Chapter 11: Still There?**

"I've come to interrupt the Buffy brooding."

"While I appreciate the visit, it really isn't necessary." Since Cordelia had already pushed herself into the apartment, Buffy closed the door behind her. "Look at this face - brood free."

Cordy took her challenge scrutinizing her features. "And well moisturized, but I'm still not leaving."

"I'm not awake enough to argue," she grumbled. "Would you like come coffee?"

"I wouldn't turn down caffeine." Watching Buffy fiddle around the kitchen, she declared. "You can't hide in here forever."

"I don't plan to. I mean, I'm not. I've been out - to the cafe, the park, work."

"-everywhere but the AI office right?"

"I do have an life you know."

Cordy watched her pour the liquid with a steady hand. "I also know that while he's not your favorite vampire right now, Angel needs you."

"He needed me to keep him from killing his friends. I did that."

"And while I totally appreciate it, that's not what I'm talking about. Whether you like it or not, he cares about you and needs to know you don't hate him."

Leaning against the counter, Buffy cradles her mug. "I don't hate him. Did he say that I-"

"-he didn't need to. We all see the way you act around him."

"I act fine."

"Come on Buffy, you won't look at him or stay in the same room for more than a few minutes. As far as I know, the last meaningful conversation you two had was about taking on Wolfram and Hart which wasn't exactly a civil one- you know, with the whole throwing the chair through the window."

"I'm trying okay." Deciding she didn't want to stand for this, she moved the conversation to the couch.

"I know and things were getting better. You guys were sharing the office sorta comfortably and as I recall, daring to make occasional little eye contact which is why we didn't say anything about the lingering awkwardness. We were hoping that given more time, you guys would learn to be a part of the same team."

"And now?"

"After Angel's drug-induced memory refresher, I'm worried that that hope is fading - that you're going to stop trying."

"Maybe I will." She looked at her coffee as if it held the answers. "Maybe this is as good as the situation is going to get, but I don't see the problem. I make his coffee, take his messages, and occasionally battle one or two of his demons. What more do you want?"

"A lot more. You guys have a history I get it. Buffy, I was there, but that's all the more reason you should want more too. After he came back . . . Giles asked him about that night." She saw recognition flicker in her eyes. "You told him you loved him."

"As I followed that up by running a sword through his chest."

Cordelia would not be deterred. "He didn't change. He's still the same Angel who saved your life, fought by your side, and loved you with all his undead heart. Before Angelus, you two were friends and lovers. Whatever you saw in him then is still there. The soul you loved is still there."

"Cordy-."

"-and since he came back, he's done real good. He defended the hell mouth until the new slayer got her bearings and then he came here to help the helpless. He is saving souls and actively seeking redemption."

"I know."

"So, then, what's the problem?"

Putting her cup down, she looked her friend in the eye. "You're right. Every reason I loved him is still there. He has a beautiful soul and a deeply layered mind. I hoped we could get passed what happened - be allies again, maybe even friends. . ."

"But Angel's recent impression of soullessness has got you completely wigged. While I admit it was totally terrifying, it wasn't his fault. It doesn't change anything."

"All this time, I've been trying to get passed the awkwardness of seeing someone from my past. I managed to forget for a while the kind of past we actually had. Dealing with Angelus - even a light version, brought it all back. I'm sorry, but the whole trying thing may not happen for a while."

"Because you hate him?"

"I told you before I don't hate Angel, but right now, staying out of his way is the best I can do."

"But he wants you in his way. You're my friend, so I don't want to push, but so is Angel, and all he's wanted since he came back is to find you."

"That's what I was afraid of," she murmured absently.

"What do you m-"

"- Cordelia, please don't." Her distant tone disappeared. "Just give me time. Can you do that?"

"I was, I mean I am - I will, but how much time?" As Buffy walked her to the door, she rambled, "It's just, how is he gonna know you don't hate him, if you keep avoiding him?"

She stood by the open door pondering the question. Feeling she'd done all she could, Cordelia walked into the hall. "I just want him to be okay."

"Me too."

They shared small smiles before Cordelia stepped down the stairs and out of her life.

It was up to her if she followed.

"You coming back?"

Buffy turned to the nursery.

"I'm still not sure I should be involved in this."

"Well, I ain't working alone, so get sure." Together, they surveyed the monstrosity she brought home.

"This isn't right." She took in the littered floor. "We're missing parts."

Sunny pulled a plastic handle out of the shade of the potential stroller. "We just put parts in the wrong places."

Remembering her many incorrect guesses, she blushed. "It's not like I'll be taking junior on a lot of strolls through the park."

"Of course you will."

She raised a brow. "And hope no one takes him while I handle L.A.'s demons? I don't think so."

"You're not the one in the demon business."

"In a non-profit kind of way I am."

He shrugged. "It's not all the time."

"Fatal situations are a no-no for moms - always."

He stopped working and looked up. "This can't be the first time you've thought about this."

"Lately, I've been avoiding thinking. It doesn't lead to good places"

Putting aside the bits of green plastic, he sighed. "I know this year isn't turning out right, but you still got me and Lil. We're going to be right here walking the lil slug and watching him and making sure none of the big bads squash him."

Following his imagery, she grimaced. "That shouldn't be comforting."

"But it is." Seeing her brief smile of confirmation, he continued, "Course it is, because it's us."

She picked up the crumpled instructions off the desk and flipped through it mindlessly. "Do you think it was a mistake to stay?"

Anticipating failure, he held back a groan. Lil was much better at this type of conversation. "I don't know your reasons, but I trust you judgment. You used to too."

She looked to the side at yet another packed up box. It had some of the baby things Linds and her bought together. "We agreed this was no place to raise a baby. As soon as we knew of him, we made ready to move."

Looking at the neatly taped box and its elaborate sharpie label, he remembered how happy a time that was for her. "What changed?"

"Nothing . . . everything."

He supposed that was a stupid question. Here, they were sitting in her new apartment which was noticeably lacking in pictures of the happy couple and he was asking what changed. "You're scared to go alone."

She defended, "I've done it before."

"And you didn't want to do it again." It wasn't an accusation. "Homes have left me before but I never left home. Must feel like dragging your insides kicking and screaming."

Remembering those days, she smirked sardonically. "I felt nauseous all the time and then, I didn't have the added issue of pregnancy to cope with. Guess I just don't have the stomach for it anymore."

She sounded contemptuous of herself. He hated it but knew giving his opinion wouldn't help any. Only one person who could reach her when she got down on herself. "You remember when I got arrested for assault?"

"Assault on a vampire - who could forget?"

"When Linds came down and waited with me, I asked where you were. He told me you were handling the situation. I wondered why the man with the law degree wasn't doing that, but he said you knew what to say." He smirked. "When I asked what that was, he confessed he hadn't a clue."

She replied with shrug. "Idle threats."

"Point is, Lindsey trusted you to do the best job of anyone - even him. It would help more coming from him, but his approval is a given. Yeah, you guys had your problems. He didn't like you keeping secrets and wanted you guys to spend more time together,"

With wide eyes, she muttered, "These walls are way too thin."

"but there wasn't anyone's judgment he respected more than yours."

Sunny went back to assembling the stroller when she didn't respond right away. Finally she

confirmed, "He had a lot of faith."

Shaking his head at her stubbornness, he scoffed, "The only thing he ever had faith in was you."

"How you figure?"

"He told me." He said it just like any other fact making her smile weakly.

"Thanks." She continued to watch him work. "With you here, it's like he is too."

That's the tone he wanted to hear, and the sentiment he wanted her to remember. With loved ones around, hope lingered on . . . even when it seemed just out of reach.

He grabbed the instructions from her. "In your own time, you'll figure this stuff out."

She smiled when he looked up, "Let's get back to work."

Holding up the pamphlet, he waved it at her. "Hey lady, I've been working."

She chuckled. "Well, I haven't."

"Get down here then." Holding up his arms, he helped her crouch down beside him. When she turned her attention to the pamphlet, he smiled thoughtfully.

While they weren't far in age, Buffy usually treated him like a child. Lately, though, she talked with him as an equal, and that's the way it should be. He didn't want to be another burden; he wanted to lighten the load - just like she did for him.

That's how friendship worked. She had no trouble seeing him as family, but now she was seeing him as a friend too. Of all the changes he'd witnessed over the past couple months, this was the one of the few he appreciated.


	12. Chapter 12: Your Move

**Chapter 11: Your Move**

"For the record none of this is happening, and when it's over, I'm not thinking about it again."

Cordelia assured her, "Your dysfunctions are your own business as long as you send a check for ours."

Afraid of scaring her off, Wesley tried to focus the conversation. "Why don't you tell us why you're here?"

The young woman began, "I don't know what it is, but something is following me and I need you to get rid of it."

"Can you tell us more about it?"

"Brown hair and eyes, prominent nose -"

"Are you sure this isn't a matter for the police?

"It growled at my dog."

Wes continued, "Stalkers can exhibit a variety of strange and unnerving behavior."

"This isn't human creeper weird; this is demonic weird." She missed their slight shock at her wording. "I can't kill it; I can barely squash spiders in my bathroom, but on the phone you said this is your kind of business, so will you do it?"

She certainly knew what she wanted; Wes granted her that."We'll have to research what it is. Not all demons are evil you see, some are benign,"

Cordy chirped, "Good even."

From the look on her face, their client did not agree. "There's nothing good in a demon; they like pain - anyone's and any kind."

"Exactly what experiences have you had with demons?"

Fighting for composure, she looked away down and away "I own a shop not far from here. I was working in the back one night when I heard something breaking in. I peeked and saw several of things overturning the place, going through the register." She twisted her bracelt so much, Cordelia was surprised the tension hadn't snapped it.

"I called the police from my cell phone but even if they could have stopped them they couldn't get there in time - not for Karen. I'd just hired her; it was her first job and she was so excited. No warning, they just . . . I watched them rip off her mother's cross before they devoured her."

"I'm sorry."

"I know monsters are real and that thing following me . . . it's not human."

"We'll need you to describe it to Cordelia - everything from how it looks to anything out of the ordinary."

"Like the growling."

He nodded. "We'll use the information to research it and find its weaknesses."

"I don't want to see it again."

"We'll take care of it as soon as possible."

Glancing at each other, Wesley and Cordelia shared the same concern. This woman had already experienced a trauma. Even if they could fix her current problem, her soul would remain distressed. This was one case which couldn't end happily.

* * *

Through the open door, Wesley saw Angel flipping through the police's file on Karen's murder.

"Buffy give this to you?"

Startled that Angel knew he was watching, Wesley twitched. "Only one person on staff knows computers well enough to obtain police files."

"The kids call it hacking." Angel's tone sounded light, for he interpreted this as a good sign. After all, one didn't break laws for someone she never wanted to see again.

But optimism seemed inappropriate given the file's contents.

Wesley watched him frown at the photos. "What do you think?"

"She didn't see vampires. I don't know what she saw." Unfortunately he could think of several demons just off the top of his head capable of this kind of damage. When she said Karen was devoured, she meant it. Pictures showed the young woman was ripped apart before being eaten - just the way humans ate barbeque: eat the skin and muscle and leave the bones.

Reluctantly, Wes observed, "I supposed we'll be keeping you under wraps for this case too."

"After seeing such slaughter, to her, not human means not worthy of anything except killing." That mindset, he understood perfectly. No matter how many demons he thought harmless, it took 240 years for him to believe one could be good.

"Most everyone starts there. Eventually, the spectrum of morality becomes apparent."

Angel closed the file and put it down. "And where do I lie on that spectrum?"

"Pardon me?"

"Whatever good I've done can't outweigh the rest." He looked intently at his coworker. "I'm not at the darkest end, but I'm closer than most."

"Thinking like that won't help your situation." Both the intensity and topic of the conversation unnerved him.

"I'm trying to atone," he assured Wes, "but redemption isn't possible. I'm just not clear on the point of all this."

He thought it obvious: "The people we help."

Angel corrected, "The people we trick into accepting my help."

"They don't understand-."

Irritated, Angel cut him off. "The reason I don't give clients the cliff notes on me is because they do understand. I don't deserve to save them let alone ask for compensation. But this is supposed to be my destiny?"

"Destiny isn't for us to discern or understand. It just is." It was vague and thus not much help, but it was all Wesley had to offer in the way of perspective. He shifted weight from one foot to another. "Ms. Rhodes is awaiting our call."

"We don't have anything to report." Changing topic of conversation seemed pointless when the conversation couldn't go anywhere.

"That's something we should work on, no?" And then he was gone scurrying away before his boss could ask him any more unanswerable questions.

Wes didn't get it. He didn't understand the few changes he'd experienced over the last several years. The first was a new view. One sight convinced him redemption was possible. He saw her, and he knew he could shift to the good end of the spectrum.

A year later, she believed it too.

But change struck again, and now to his intense distress, he didn't know what she believed. He'd already decided not to meet with his client, but that didn't stop him from overhearing her. With full conviction, she asserted there was nothing good in a demon. He could debate his moral status, but his demonic nature was undeniable.

He played the scene in his head over and over. But this time it wasn't a stranger saying those things . . . it was Buffy. . . teaching her kids: _"There's nothing good in a demon; they like pain - anyone's and any kind."_

. . . .Confiding in friends: _"I know monsters are real and that thing following me . . . it's not human."_

. . . Talking near him but passed him: _"I don't want to see it again."_

He'd stay out of sight of the client and inhabit the city without upsetting Buffy. . . even if continuing careful behavior upset him. He just wanted to have a conversation, to actually deal with their problems, but instead, she ran from him and he didn't mention it.

He knew he didn't deserve different, but he expected more. She used to like telling him what bothered her. When she wanted them to date, she told him. When school caused her grief, she told him. When her mom irritated her, she told him. He never expected her to let things fester like this.

And his feelings were certainly festering. If she didn't start talking, soon, he might.

* * *

The office continued in relative silence, so when the front door creaked, Wesley immediately turned to face the disruption. "Buffy, we didn't expect you in today."

"I'm not exactly known for my predictability." Nodding to her stuffed duffel bag she explained, "I brought some books you might be interested in."

Cordelia stepped up to help her lift the bag from her shoulders while Wesley unzipped it and began flipping through titles practically giddy with curiosity. "Mind me asking where you procured these?"

She rubbed her recently unburdened shoulder. "When I offered to help with research I wasn't just offering my reading ability, or computer skills. I have resources- my own books to consult."

Cordy smirked. "You're like a frilly Giles."

"I've been collecting them since I got here and realized no one would give me all the answers anymore. Book stores, online, black market - I got them from a lot of places. These particular books are from Lindsey's private stash. He said he wanted me to have them."

Wesley marveled, "Training, research, patrol . . ."

" . . . Intense relationship," Cor supplied. "Exactly what part of your slayer life did leave you behind?"

"These should help with killing methods. Even if you don't know what you're fighting, these cover the lesser known purification rituals."

Cordy scowled. "We want to kill it not sprinkle it with water."

"Purification is a way of battling pollution within the community."

Wesley explained, "Evil presences are a type of pollution. Any means of removing their presence -including killing- is thus considered a purification of sorts."

The two braniacs in the room shared a smile. "I haven't had a chance to read them all yet, but I'm pretty sure they talk about what you want."

"Thank you. I haven't heard of these particular volumes but am highly intrigued."

Feeling her stomach tighten she tried to speak calmly. "I may come unexpected but at least, I don't come empty handed."

The source of anxiety made itself known. "Buffy."

"Good morning Angel." She looked him in the eye with a steady gaze.

Wesley explained, "Buffy stopped by to drop off some books she thought might be of some use."

"And to get the info on your latest cases - finance stuff."

"I thought Cordelia was sending you as much through that contraption," Wes nodded at the computer.

"That was the plan yes."

At their pointed looks, Cordy replied indignantly. "What? I've been busy."

"So no luck in identifying your latest beastie?"

"So far all we have is an ability to rotate his head and a fake name of Sergio." He shook his head when Cordelia looked like she was about to add something. "I'm not adding growling to the list until it's verified he's using other than human vocal chords to accomplish it."

Buffy considered the books she brought. "I really hope it's not another bug thing."

"Bug thing?"

"It was like this big Praying mantis that went around looking like a sexy teaccher, but it probably has nothing to with this. That was just a female preying on virgin male type deal - I think."

"Might I ask how you killed it?"

"Machete."

"Wait, you're talking about - you killed Ms. French?"

"She was going to rape and eat Xander." Her blunt phrasing expressed her unwillingness to be judged, but to her surprise, Cordelia was supportive.

"I knew she was evil; good looking people don't work at high school's unless they're evil."

Wes tried to get back on topic. "Well from your description, I don't think it is a 'bug thing.'"

Reviewing the information, Buffy inquired, "What did you say his name was?"

"Sergio, but-"

"And how did the stalkee learn his name?"

"She didn't say."

She frowned. "Did the girl tell you anything else?"

"Besides describing past trauma and saying she didn't want to see it again, no."

Her eyes lit with thought. "You should talk to him."

"Don't you mean her?"

"They know each other, but she's not admitting it."

Angel finished, "but he might."

She nodded. "Maybe he was a friend or he hurt a friend, but she wouldn't know his name and still call him an it if her anger wasn't personal."

Angel smiled as the newest member of the team thought of something he hadn't. "Guess it's time to meet Sergio."

While perusing a murder file, optimism was inappropriate, but at the moment, it couldn't have be more fitting.

It took a bit longer than he hoped, but no matter, it finally happened.

His smile grew as the thought resonated: _She came back. She really came back.  
_


	13. Chapter 13: For All Our Sakes

**Chapter 13: For All Our Sakes**

Angel grabbed his coat and took the lift down.

After the door closed, Wesley suggested, "Someone should probably talk to her again too."

Seeing his pointed look, Buffy turned to Cordelia. "Why don't you do the girl talk thing?"

"Or you could." She waved her hand. "You're pregnant and non-threatening. She might actually open up to you."

Buffy smirked, "You're not that scary."

"I've been told I lack tact, and I'm thinking she's going to need a lot of it."

"If you want, I'll be right next you." He reasoned, "This isn't slaying; it's having a casual conversation with a perfectly normal lady."

Buffy grumbled. "No one is perfectly normal."

Angel scanned the card he held and then back at the building before him. Sergio was the proprietor of a decent looking deli shop. Set back in a shady alley, the shop posed no difficulty for Angel to enter. He ordered a cup of coffee and tried to zero in on the supernatural element. Everyone looked and smelled completely human. Maybe Earl lied to him, or maybe he wasn't as well-informed as he used to be.

"You know Ally?"

Angel looked curiously at the stranger beside him. He noticed the man sniff intentionally and surmised, "You can smell her."

"I would have dismissed the scent save for the fact you're not eating and seem to be looking for someone. How do you know her?" The stranger sounded personally invested in the answer as if what concerned her concerned him too.

Assuming this to be their guy, he answered honestly, "I run a detective agency. She came to us for help."

Apparently, the demon agreed with his assessment because he followed up with, "She asked you to investigate me?"

"Sergio, she wants us to kill you," Angel corrected.

The well groomed owner glance at his patrons.

"You don't seem disturbed."

When he looked back, his eyes were filled with emotion. "Such drastic measures are reserved for people who still care."

"Or those who feel betrayed by things like us."

"I'm not a person," he admitted without shame. "Doesn't mean she doesn't love me."

"You two were-"

-"Involved?" Wesley finished the sentence the young woman struggled with.

"I thought I loved him."

"Has he harmed people? Do you have reason to think he's violent?"

"He's a monster."

Wesley squeezed Buffy's hand in comfort silently entreating her to let him respond. "He can do things you can't, yes, but there's more than one kind of monster. Some are evil and others . . ."

Sergio answered calmly, "I'm the monster she thinks I am."

"What are you?"

"Old enough to know the limitations of human understanding."

Angel didn't see malice in his eyes; he didn't see a soul either. Sergio felt and thought but in his own way. What Angel sensed more than anything was age and grandeur. They overwhelmed him. Humbly, he offered, "I've had some experience with this particular dilemma. We can help you talk to her."

"She doesn't wish to speak with me." Neither believed otherwise.

"Right now, she's upset."

"Her feelings of disappointment and betrayal will not fade. I did not harm her companion but I share something in common with whatever did. Neither of us are mortal."

"Humans are limited but they're also unpredictable. She could surprise you."

Ally shook her head. "I want him gone."

Hearing her adamance, Buffy regained her voice. "You want us to kill the man _you_ gave your heart to."

"I didn't know what he was. I never would had gotten involved with-"

"-Someone not like you."

"You don't understand. It's not . . . He's not-"

"Did you even hear him out? Or did your mind just leap to assassination?"

Wesley squeezed her hand, "Buffy."

She pulled it away. "No, she wants us to clean up her love life - because she's too much of a coward to deal."

"He's not human!"

"Neither are you." At this point, Wesley was physically pulling her up and out of Angel's office.

She didn't fight him, but she didn't heed his reproach either.

As soon as he had closed the door behind them she shook his arms off her. "Buffy."

"I spent years protecting Angel from people like that - watchers and slayers and stupid friends who never took the time to know him, not really."

"Few can be as open minded as you."

"But she could be."

"Maybe." He didn't look so sure.

She sat down again and absently stroked her stomach. "You're supposed to protect the ones you love - not quit on them. Even when I didn't have a choice - when I had to, I could just barely do it. That night still haunts me."

Not sure which one she was referring to, he tried addressing her original concern, "She's scared and confused."

"I would have given everything to have her chance-to be with him. She could be happy."

"You should go home. Get some rest."

She nodded and fetched her purse out of a desk drawer. Looking back at the closed office door, she asked, "Why can't love be enough?"

He glanced at the window she'd broken not so long ago. "I don't know. For all our sakes, I wish it was."

Their eyes met. "For all our sakes?"

They had a conversation, then, without words which ended with Wesley's murmur, "Go home Buffy."

Angel stood stunned. "You're not a demon at all. You're a - you're-"

"Messenger of the god Ea originally called Usmu." The man's face split into two faces. "Pleasure to meet you Mr. . ."

"Angel."

"From the Greek angelos meaning messenger. How surreptitious."

He continued staring dumbly. "Some called me Angelus."

"_Angelus domini nuntiavit Mariae_: the angel of the Lord brought tidings to Mary."

"Greek, Latin, paganism, you're from the region."

"Mesopotamian is the term you're grasping for."

"No wonder you weren't in our demons books."

"The gods have not required the services of their officials for quite some time thus freeing us to spend eternity how we please."

"And you spend it on sandwiches?"

"I delivered various creatures to Ea, the idea of conveying goods to mortals appealed in its familiarity. Besides, is there a better scent than fresh meat and vegetables prepared with care?"

Angel remained silent. In a friendly tone, Sergio continued, "Of course, you probably have a greater appreciation for blood offerings."

Embarrassed by the topic, Angel moved the conversation along. "You love the girl?"

"Allyson Rhodes." He looked contemplative. "Not in the way a mortal would, but I do favor her."

"So you wouldn't kill her?" Of this, Angel had to be sure.

"In my official capacity, I rarely had interchanges with humans. I've certainly never done one physical harm." He smirked knowingly. "I'm not that kind of divinity."

He sounded sincere, and Angel didn't think it wise to doubt him. "If you still wish to spend time with her, I would like to help you. We can call her back to the office. After she realizes she is safe with you, maybe you two could talk again."

Ea looked at him with two different expressions, literally. One looked unaffected by the vampire's offer while the other looked hopeful. The two faces morphed back into one which looked utterly serene.

"Let the Angelus sound; for once, the messenger of Ea will follow."

They stood at the same time, but before exiting Angel turned to the most trustworthy two faced thing he'd ever met. "No offense, Usmu, but I think I'll stick with Sergio."

He smirked. "And humans think gods can't change with the times." From his inner cowering, Angel knew his colleagues were in for an awe inspiring surprise.

But leaving the deli, the only thought Angel could process was that their filing system needed adjusting; god cases deserved their own drawer.


	14. Chapter 14: Avoiding Regret

**I appreciate all the reviews I get. Unfortunately the site will only let me reply to reviewers who have a fanfiction account, so, I'm replying to rest of the reviewers in this pre-post note.  
**

**Someone asked if this vignette was based on David Boreanaz's film "Mr. Fix It." While I've seen the movie, I didn't have it in mind when I wrote the Sergio scenes. Angel is helping Sergio purely because he relates to his situation. As a supernatural creature, Angel feels if he can't have the human of his dreams, at least, he can help others get theirs.  
**

**A couple people have sent me messages asking when my next chapter will be posted. My habit is to post every Sunday. Reason posts are so far a part is that it prevents having chapter posts every two weeks and then nothing for five months.  
**

**A lot of you have been wondering when Buffy and Angel are going to move things along. Everything with them right now is blurry and undefined and nothing is getting resolved, but don't you worry folks, next weeks chapter and the one's following will definitely move things along. Little teaser: the next chapter is titles "What matters most."  
**

**Chapter 14: Avoiding Regret**

"So he's a god."

The others looked as stunned as Angel felt.

"No hell dimension could fit his essence."

Buffy frowned. "What does that even mean?"

Wesley mused, "Yet another facet of the mystery which is Usmu."

The door to Angel's office opened, and a bewildered Ally came into view. Without sparing anyone a glance, she walked out the front door .

Before they could call to her, Buffy stood up whispering, "I got this one." Wesley gave her a warning look to which she mock-scowled. "Don't be a worry-watcher."

He pouted but made no further attempt to dissuade her.

Buffy followed her out of the office and across the street. If Cordelia was present, Wesley and Angel would not have watched so obviously, but with no fear of patronizing reproach, they both sat by the window and watched the womenin the waning light.

Once Allison reached the other side of the street, her pace slowed. Even pregnant, Buffy caught up to her quickly. They walked side by side for a few steps.

"I can't even remember what I saw in him."

Brushing her arm, Buffy brought her to a halt. "You saw a great guy who genuinely cares about you."

"He wasn't . . ."

"what he said he was? Everyone has secrets. He just wanted to trust you before revealing his."

She leaned against the wall wearily. "You ever hear this kind of secret?"

"I've loved a demon with an evil past and a man with a bad one." She smiled faintly. "so yeah."

"I'm sorry. . . I understand you lost someone"

"A lot of someones actually. That's probably why I care so much about this."

They both turned as they heard Sergio leaving the office. Without looking over at them, he started in the opposite direction.

"You think I should talk to him."

Buffy spoke carefully. "I think you should listen to him and then listen to yourself"

Ally continued to watch his retreating figure warily. "How do you know?"

Buffy frowned at her vagueness.

She elaborated. "How do you know who to trust?"

In Ally's expression, Buffy saw every aspect of her own struggle. "As a rule, I try and judge people by what they do not what they are."

With that, Buffy returned to the office without looking back. It literally wasn't her business anymore what happened next.

Entering, she heard the creaking of the elevator. Apparently, Angel caught on to her preference for minimal interaction, or he had something else to take care of - she never knew which these days.

"Do you think they'll work things out?"

Wesley felt her watching him watch Ally. He pitied them both. "She probably won't try to kill him again, but no, I wouldn't bet on that pair."

"It makes me sad for her and him and everyone else like them."

Her sympathy surprised him. "You have a big heart."

When he turned away from the window, he found her looking at the elevator. "I used to feel cheated - still do sometimes, but I had more than most. Me and mine took the chance. For the small time we were given, we loved completely."

"By we, you mean . . ."

She heard the challenge to say it aloud and she rose to it. "Angel, Lindsey, even Tyler from ninth grade."

"Right then." He blushed, a bit embarrassed for testing her.

"Fear isn't what did us in. I'm alone now because tragedy happens to just about everyone."

"So, you would do things the same."

She paused. "I don't know, but I don't regret them."

"That's not a consistent answer."

"My relationships ended with a sociopath, death, and partial amnesia. I'm not sure my significant others really benefited from our time together. "

Wesley shook his head. "Because of you, Angel cares about humanity and fights for the Powers that Be. As for Mr. McDonald. He gained the courage to stand up to organized evil."

All she could do was shrug. "Hence the inconsistency. I can't say with confidence that it was all worth it. But because there were some good results, I can't regret it either."

She began collecting her things and prepared to leave.

"Earlier, you said you pride yourself on acting in spite of fear."

Her movements slowed. "That is very close to not being what I said but yeah."

"So your avoiding Angel recently has nothing to do with fear. Unlike Ms. Rhodes you're willing to hear him out."

She made a clucking sound and shifted her purse on her shoulder. "Well, aren't you a sneaky conversationalist."

"I'm not trying to pressure you."

She held her coat tightly. "Yes you are."

He looked chagrined. "Alright, I am, but I won't force the issue. "

"Noted and appreciated."

He watched her leave their office with her head lowered and mind busy.

On her way, she passed Ally who had yet to move from her position across the street.

Taking a seat on Buffy's bench, he waited for Ally to make her decision. When the first stars appeared, she finally did.

From a darkened office, Wesley watched Allyson turn in Sergio's direction.

He smiled to himself. When she found him, she might say goodbye; she might even try killing him again, but for now, there was hope for both their happiness.

* * *

Finding herself in an emptied room, Buffy imagined all the ways she could kill her coworkers, and she plotted shamelessly, for they'd left her in a nightmare she couldn't wake from. Sure, they'd made the occasional joke, but she never thought they'd follow through.

She stood before the closed door and suppressed a cringe. She couldn't walk away out of fear; this was still her job. Summoning supernatural reserves of courage, she pushed the door open slowly.

"Hey."

Angel raised his brows in surprise. "Buffy, hey."

She fidgeted nervously. "Cordelia forgot she had an audition today so she hurried out of here a little while ago and Wes went off in search of some Kodex thingy but didn't say when to expect him back, and there are things for you."

"Okay." He suppressed the urge to smile at her ramble.

"Here's the info from the police report along with possible demon matches from our research."

"Thanks."

Relieved to have completed the task, she nodded and turned around. She stepped away quickly but halted in the doorway. She craved distance from the situation, but something kept her close.

While Angel perceived her struggle, he didn't comment preferring, instead, to stare blankly at the paper she gave him and await outcome of her internal battle.

Her steady retreating footsteps declared him the loser.

He felt acute disappointment. He through himself a pity which her returning voice interrupted.

"I've been doing my own research for a while now - about demons, upcoming apocalypses and such."

"So light reading."

She smiled slightly. "Anyways, I came across this book." She held up a wood-bound text. "It has prophecies; it's kinda dense and missing key passages, but from what I could make out, some of them have to do with you."

"Me?" He found this conversation disorienting.

"The devil with a light which cages his darkness' Wes mentioned you were asking questions about your purpose, your destiny? This might help."

"Thank you." She turned away abruptly as he flipped through it. "Wait, Buffy, this is ancient Sumerian."

Again, she was stopped in the doorway. "Uh huh."

"Did Giles teach you?"

His neutral question put her at ease. "When Giles knew me, I was barely passing French." She leaned against the wall casually. "No, my book knowledge is a post-Sunnydale phenomena."

"I'm impressed."

"Don't be. I'm not fluent in anything and still suck at French. I can just get the gisty-side of some stuff now."

"Like ancient Sumerian prophecies?"

"And Italian fashion magazines among other things." Her eyes twinkled.

He looked down at the unique text and then back to her. "Thank you."

"What are secretaries for?" Her eyes retained their mirth. "Well, be seeing you."

Captivated by their exchange, he paused before echoing back, "Be seeing you," but having already left, she didn't hear him.

Still, her random visit left his insides feeling lighter.

That week, a god and a girl conversed in this room, and now, a slayer and vampire had too.

As it did for his clients, the conversation left open the possibility that maybe their story wasn't doomed. She still showed him consideration, so the end couldn't be imminent. In fact, from his vantage, it looked dim and far away.

Running his hands over wooden text, Angel smiled and glanced at the mug on his desk. It displayed a picture of Wes and Cordelia on it. As a gift, Cordelia had it made and wrote on the bottom: _How about a raise?_

Contemplating his team's smiling faces, he smirked. "Thanks guys."

Their scurrying away gave him and Buffy an opportunity to talk, and Buffy used it to give him an opportunity to hope.

Tomorrow could be better than today, and that's more than he could say for yesterday. He knew he was one lucky demon to have such a team.


	15. Chapter 15: Can't Help but Fall

**Chapter 15: Can't Help but Fall**

"Cordelia and Wesley?" Buffy stood in the empty main room.

"Buffy?"

She followed the voice to Angel's office. "If you're here then I can assume the world isn't ending."

"It's not Tuesday." Angel stood up as she entered. "You don't usually come on not Tuesdays."

His shock caused her to chuckle at her own predictability. "Cordy and I have a shopping date. She asked me to meet her here."

Angel went from surprised to embarrassed. "Oh, well she's-"

"Not here, late, busy?"

"All of those."

She smiled. "The empty office kinda sends the message." Angel found himself smiling back. While Cordy had definitely grown as a person, she was still as flighty as ever. Neither were surprised at her flaking.

"Well, I'll just . . ."

He scurried around the desk and tried to delay her departure. "Thank you again for the text."

"No problem. Has it been anywhere near helpful?"

Seeing her step in his direction rather than towards the exit, he smiled. "Not in the traditional sense, but it is educational."

"Well, what's the point in havin' fancy language skills if you can't spend hours deciphering obscure prophecies?"

"That may or may not be relevant."

With furrowed brow, she stepped further into the office. "Granted the darkness bit could be a euphemism for disease and the sections about grain might be tangents but when you take into account that harvests were often viewed as metaphors for life and death, then lacking sufficient context, we can't be sur-" She stopped at Angel's smirk. "and you are so mocking me right now."

"You just sound like a librarian or a lawy-" He caught himself a second too late.

"Or a lawyer," she finished.

He hadn't meant to remind her of Lindsey and mentally berated himself for the slip. "I'm sorry."

"Angel, I'm a big girl complete with big kid vocabulary . . . Things happened. I can't pretend they didn't."

"You shouldn't- pretend that is."

Feeling compassion towards his obvious guilt, she kept her tone light. "Neither should you."

"So, no pretending?"

She smiled softly. "None."

"Good. That's good."

"I suspect whatever job Cordy and Wes are on is going to take a while."

"Huh? Oh yeah, probably." His nervousness reappeared and he shuffled his feet.

"Okay well, I'm just going to leave her a note to call me." She turned to find a sticky on Cordy's desk.

Angel called out. "So I'll see you Friday?"

As soon as she opened her mouth the window behind Angel crashed open. A heavily armored demon landed on the floor with a snarl.

Before Angel could take a swing, the demon leaned back and aimed a kick at his head. Angel tumbled onto the desk.

Buffy hesitated only a second before giving aid. As the demon raised its sword for a fatal blow, she lept and kicked it into the wall. Rolling off the desk, Angel fell near an ax. He promptly hurled it towards the demon but only managed to graze it.

Careful to stay out of the swords range, the pair stood their ground as the demon approached. Checking her condition, Angel also took note of her new fighting stance. Instead of fists raised, Buffy kept her left in front and her right lay open palm on her stomach. She could pull just as swift a punch, but the little adjustment said she valued caution. As long as all three souls lived, it didn't matter who made the kill. This gave Angel permission to take the lead.

Whatever relief he felt in that moment broke in the next. Again and again, the demon aimed his swipes at Buffy. Every time he saw the sword dash near her, he panicked thinking that would be the one stroke she didn't dodge.

Finally, one of his swipes gave Angel the opportunity he needed to step behind and grab it about the neck.

Leaning to the side, the demons hit him in the hip with the hilt of his sword. As Angel stumbled back, his opponent charged Buffy. She sidestepped repeatedly to avoid its jabs, but one was so broad it forced her to lean back limbo-style. Remembering baby belly, she kept leaning back until she purposely fell to the ground. The new position allowed her to kick out against its legs.

Seeing it wobble, Angel made a grab for the sword. It ended up falling out of both their hands and sliding across the floor. In retaliation, the demon pounded Angel's stomach with clasped fists, but before he fell to his knees, he felt the effects of a strong blow to the face. That last punch sent him sprawling back.

Thankfully, Buffy used her ground time to pick up where he left off. Grabbing the sword, she sprung up and skewered the demon. She saw the sword disappear in its abdomen, but she didn't see it stagger.

Instead, the demon held the sword with one hand and punched her with the other. On reflex, she hunched over and released the sword at which point the demon jumped and kicked off her. As Buffy hurtled past him, Angel anxiously reached out for her.

Her momentum caught him as well and twirled them both against the wall. Their tangled limbs kept them from finding balance and together they fell to the floor.

Observing his wound worsen, the demon used the pause to hustle out the broken window; however, the fallen pair barely noticed.

Forgetting personal boundaries, Angel felt all around her abdomen for possible injuries. Focused on catching her breath, Buffy didn't notice his worry immediately. When her breathing leveled, she looked down and found her fingers checking him just as frantically.

In unison, they asked, "Are you okay?"

"I'm not hurt." Self-consciously, Angel pulled his hands back. "I don't think you are either but do you feel any pain?" The last kick she took came close to baby, but he took comfort in her lack of wincing.

"Just a little out of breath which is to be expected after fighting a . . . what exactly were we fighting?"

"I'm not sure."

She looked at the window. "I guess we'll figure that after we kill it." As she pulled herself up, Angel hovered and helped.

"Buffy, I don't think you should-"

She chuckled. "I don't think I should either, but you need back up and are kind of teamless at the moment, so the secretary will have to do."

"It's not that I don't think you can fight- obviously, I mean, you were great back there, but the baby -"

"-will be fine." She looked him in the eye, and he noticed it was the first tension-free eye contact they'd made in a while. He continued halfheartedly, "I can call Gunn."

"The more time that passes, the fainter the trail gets." He just stood staring, so she continued, "We should go now."

Knowing she shouldn't come, Angel still nodded consent. Working together was something they both wanted and he couldn't muster any more objections. In truth, he lacked the strength.

Leading the way to the sewer entrance, he disregarded all thoughts of champions and slayers. For now, he'd simply be Angel and she'd be Buffy, and together, they'd do some good.

**This chapter and the few following are heavily based on the **_**Angel**_** episode: **_**I Will Remember You**_


	16. Chapter 16: What Matters Most

**There will not be a post this Sunday. My computer and I won't be seeing each other for a while, but I'm still committed to posting regularly, so I'm posting this Sunday's chapter early.  
**

**Also, heads up: This chapter uses lines and situations from the _Angel_ episode _I Will Remember You_.  
**

**Chapter 16: What Matters Most**

Silently, Angel hopped off the ladder and landed in the sewer. Then, keeping his senses alert for any other presences, he focused on Buffy's steady descent. She was just about to jump the last couple of feet when his hands lifted her and gently placed her on the sewer floor.

His touch shocked her as much as the gesture did. While in the past, he often did considerate things like this, much had changed since then. The first time he opened a door for her, Angel answered her frown with an explanation. He said, in his day, this was how men showed a lady he respected her.

Considering the way their story unfolded, she was surprised he still considered her a lady and one deserving of his respect. Stepping back from the ladder, she looked down to where is hands had been.

He certainly was a mysterious gentleman . . . though maybe not. Recalling the way he touched her, she sighed. This wasn't about showing respect. It couldn't be. His entire handling of her was focused on supporting her stomach. Her child was a helpless soul, just one of the many he felt responsible for. This was him preserving an innocent life because it was his job, his mission.

What she thought of as comfortable silence grew awkward, for in truth, times changed. They weren't patrolling Sunnydale. She wasn't his lady, and he certainly didn't owe her respect.

Meanwhile, Angel, remained ignorant to her internal diatribe. For him, their shared moments felt special but right.

After a few minutes of sewer walking, he commented, "It's heading towards the ocean."

"Are you sure?"

"It's wounded I can smell its blood."

"I told you there was a trail to follow."

He paused and focused his senses.

"Okay trail finder, which disgusting path did our guy take?"

He touched a green smudge on the sewer wall. His confident turn reassured her that the smudge was indeed demon blood and not sewer slime. "Tunnel number one it is." She gave a mental ick that she actually rooted for blood.

As she continued their silent stroll, Buffy noticed him slow and eventually stopped altogether.

"Angel, you okay?"

He stayed quiet as if he was debating whether to answer. "I feel weird."

She understood completely.

Stepping forward, she decided to match his honesty. "Yeah, I tried telling Cordy that there's too much history. Friends, lovers," Both glanced away bashfully, "enemies, co-workers," She said the last one in a tone of disbelief. "We've been too many things for me to know where we stand. I can't pretend the past doesn't exist, but I don't know how to act like it does exist either. One minute, we're having a decent sized conversation."

He nodded because for them it was. She continued, "The next we're fighting some mutant ninja thing and checking for injuries. And it's just really confusing being around you."

Angel looked down. "I was kind of talking about the demon's blood." He lifted his hand up, "It's powerful"

"Oh." She could feel her cheeks getting very warm very quickly. "Let's just rewind Buffy's little outburst and pretend it didn't happen." She passed him and continued on.

"No, we need this." He spoke to her retreating form. "It is confusing." She paused but didn't face him, so he approached. "We were a part for so long, and then suddenly we weren't." He saw her turn slowly, "and now you're right here and I can actually reach out and it's more than confusing-"

"Angel, why are you back?" Her expression unnerved him with its intensity.

"I don't know. It shouldn't be possible. I don't know why or h-."

"-No, you do know."

"Buffy-"

"We were a part, sure, but you knew I was alive, and I knew you were too." She moved toward him. "Before the alley, last winter you saw me."

His eyes widened. "You mean the dreams."

"The manor, the church, my room." Stepping closer, she calmly asked, "Tell me. Why are you back?"

"I don't know."

"We saw it laid out pretty clear."

"Buffy, don't."

"Come on, say it. Angel, say it. Revenge right?"

He instinctually stepped back. "No, Buffy I-I-"

"I killed you. I let the demon out; you almost sent the world to hell because of me." For every step he took back, she took one forward. "You should want me dead, but it's different now, right? I have a life growing inside me - sure it's the spawn of your lawyer foe, but still, it changes things."

"Buffy, I _never_ wanted you dead."

"But something did. I don't know if that something was good or bad but it was powerful." Her words cause them both to stop. "Powerful enough to bring you back from the hell dimension I sent you too."

"Is that why you ran when you saw me in the alley?"

"I don't expect warm welcomes from those I've slain - mostly just threats and violence."

Scowling, he stepped forward. "You did it to save the world. You don't think I get that, but I do."

"Yeah I saved the world - from the monster_ I_ set free."

"Buffy, that wasn't your fault. There was no way we could have known what would happen." He took another step forward, and to his surprise, she held her ground.

"It doesn't matter." Standing close, they started feeling the familiar effects of the other's proximity. They both missed this. "What we did cost you your soul. Then, I let situation get to the point where the only way to save the world was to kill you - not your demon, you." She felt her eyes tear up but didn't fight it. These tears weren't for her pain; they were for his. "You may not blame me, but I blame me."

Angel reached out and caressed her hair. "I missed you."

"Please, don't."

"It's true, when I was in hell, when I got back, coming here" He watched her hair slide through his fingers. "I never stopped missing you."

She stilled his hand with her own. "I missed you too, you have no idea how much."

"I think I do."

"Angel." He met her gaze. "I am so sorry."

"Shhh. It wasn't your fault." He pulled her into an embrace, something he'd wanted to do for years. "It's over now. We're both still here; that's all that matters."

"I'm sorry Angel. I'm so sorry."

She began crying in earnest, and holding her closer, he realized he was too. Their location didn't matter - neither did the baby bump. They'd found each other again and nothing could make that less than perfect.

Eventually, Buffy raised her head from their embrace, and he lowered his till it rested against hers. Standing completely still, they reveled in the other's presence. Feeling their noses nudge, he gasped, "Buffy."

The censure in his tone grounded her. "We can't. It doesn't work with us. It can't." She opened his eyes to see the sorrow in his.

"Even if I could make you happy, happiness and us . . ."

She stroked his cheek. "No matter how much we've missed each other."

"Or what we feel in the moment."

"If we let something happen here, we'll want more." She let her hand fall away. "And nothing's changed." Slowly, they released each other. "Two years, and all we've survived - we're still just where we started."

They stood apart letting silence fill the distance.

He whispered. "I'm sorry, I-"

She lifted her hand. "It's fine." Slowly squeezing the air, she sought composure. "You're alive and you're standing before me with soul intact. Square one looks like a miracle right now."

Well, when she put it like that - he smiled gently, "Yeah, it does."

She stood tall pushing aside emotional exhaustion. "So let's find this thing and get this finished."

Nodding, he silently agreed to pause his emotions. They'd had one conversation the rest come with time. This was just the beginning, so side by side, they continued on.

Buffy was the first to stop. "What if it went up?"

"Into the day, where it knows I can't follow."

"But I can."

"I don't want you going after him alone."

She moved into the spot he could not occupy. "I think it's best all around right now if we split up." She touched his hand with her warm one. "Do you trust me?" Looking into each other's eyes, they found they could read the others' again, and relief entered every part of them.

"There's a dive on second near the beach the Lumbar. Demons go there sometimes when they need to get patched up."

"Got it."

"Buffy." She turned back. "We should do this again - the talking thing. This was . . . I needed this."

"There's a list of conversations I've been dying to have with you. Starting with the morning after and everything since."

"When we're not in a sewer, maybe we can start crossing some off."

"Let's not forget okay?"

"I won't. I promise." Reluctantly, they prepared themselves to test their reforged connection. "Be careful." She smiled assurance before beginning her climb into the day

Strong connections withstood separation. Theirs did once, so it stood to reason, it could again. They just needed to trust and hope. They just needed to try.

Angel smiled thinking, _We're good at that. It's what made everything else possible._

It's what mattered most.


	17. Chapter 17: I'm Alive

**Chapter 17: I'm Alive**

Cordelia surveyed the mess Angel left behind: wrappers, loose jars, spilt milk -literally. "What does this mean?"

Removing his glasses, Wesley rubbed the bridge of his nose. "I don't know."

"Angel's alive. He's a regular human like us now."

"That's what the Powers said."

"You don't believe them?"

"I don't believe we have all the information." He closed yet another useless book. "Your friend Doyle mentioned that the Powers were his bosses and in effect Angel's boss, but we don't know much about them."

"They're the puppet masters - what's there to know?"

"Do they speak plainly? Oracles, prophets, seers: many are known for revealing truths in a way no one understands." He tossed his glasses aside. "Oh sure, individuals think they interpreted the words correctly, but often, the true interpretation reveals itself at the most inopportune time."

"You need a vacation. You're too paranoid."

He leaned back in his chair. "If I'm wrong, we'll both have a lot of vacation time as we enjoy unemployment."

"So that's what this means: poverty for us."

"It appears that way." He sounded rueful.

"I take it back, this totally bites." Seeing his scowl, she surmised, "Too soon for vamp jokes?"

Before Wesley could properly scorn her remark, the front door opened revealing something miraculous: a sun soaked Angel holding the hand of a bemused Buffy.

The pair didn't say much as they made their way down to Angel's apartment.

The elevator descended and Cordelia groaned, "Our lives are about to kaleidoscope."

"Perhaps, but then again, this is only the first day."

"But those two are spending it down there in his apartment." She screeched, "Together!"

He winced at the high pitch."If the Powers foresaw some doom I doubt it's source is intimacy between those two."

His cluelessness was truly baffling. "Let me explain the lore here, okay? They suffer, they fight. That's business as usual. They get groiny with each other, the world as we know it falls apart."

"He's not cursed anymore. Besides, you can't be sure that they're. . ." He cleared his throat bashfully.

"Oh, please! They've got the forbidden love of all time. They haven't been touchy contact in years. Now he's suddenly human? I'm sure they are down there just having tea and crackers."

Downstairs, that was exactly what the pair focused on.

Angel reached looked towards the kettle. "Would you like some more?"

"No, thank you."

He put down his cup. "Look, I'm really sorry I kissed you like that."

"You are?"

"Not for the kiss itself, it's just everything is really-"

"Complicated. I know. But the actual kiss was - well, I thought it was-"

"Incredible. I just think we need to pause before pursuing things between us."

"That's probably a good idea." He thought her tone sounded disappointed.

"Buffy, my reluctance has nothing to do with us."

She perked up a little. "Right, I mean, you did speak to the Oracles and they said you were really cured. But how do we really know that they speak for the Powers." She looked back into her cup "Our research into prophecies and the like aren't known for their accuracy."

"Or there could be another loophole."

"Oh God." Her mind became a slideshow of unwanted images. "Then the two of us are even deeper and it's grrh all over again."

"We just need to wait a while and make sure my mortality is legitimate."

"Even if it is there are still things to figure out."

Continuing that thought, he added, "We haven't really been a part of each others' lives for a while. Granted, I haven't changed much,"

Picking up a hint of self-recrimination, she hastily interjected, "You have changed, Angel, in good ways."

He continued on with his thought, "You have lived so much since you left. Together, we wouldn't be as we were."

She fiddled with her cup handle. "You could change too. I mean this is your second chance at living."

"I'm not sure what this is." He mused aloud. "I don't know what I am or what my purpose is. This one change could potentially lead to many others and you're already dealing with a lot of changes, and with the baby on the way, the last thing you need is another life altering adjustment."

"And with this new life of possibilities, the last thing you should pursue is a limitation." Her eyes cleared. "That's what life with me would be."

"What are you talking about?"

"I have a baby and a job but those are my commitments - not yours, not if you don't choose them."

"Let's get one thing straight." Angel moved to a seat closer to her. "I know what I want: the possibility of a life _with you_. That's it."

"Maybe now, but you have to take time to figure out what you want from your future."

"Same goes for you. This may be a new situation but I'm not a new person. I've been giving you space for months, but if you choose me, that ends. I'm a part of your past and I won't pretend to be otherwise."

The conviction she heard in his voice surprised her. "You're willing to taint your new start to be with me?"

"Our love has never been one sided." His eyes pleaded for her to believe him. "I'm just saying it's worth the wait to know that it's right. Tragedy doesn't need to be a part of our lives."

Taking her mug to the sink, she assumed a casual tone. "So how does the mature plan go? You won't be needing a supernatural secretary anymore, so you call me, I call you, what?"

"We stay in touch." He moved towards her. "Just not-"

"Literally, funny. Okay, I better-"

"Right, life awaits."

"Kids, pipes, bills."

"Sounds normal."

"Hold the jealousy. You'll be an average fella in no time." She rested her hand on his. "So we'll talk soon."

It was an innocent touch, but still, their hearts beat faster.

Lifting his hand beneath hers, he interlaced their fingers. She held tighter and so did he. With eyes on hands, they clutched tighter and tighter until the contact actually hurt. Even then, they didn't stop. Maybe if they held hard enough, their hands would fuse together making separation impossible.

Angel raised his other hand behind her neck to tilt her head up. As his fingers burrowed into her hair, his body remained still. In silence, he searched her eyes for the reason behind her willingness. He looked for pity or nostalgia, but instead, found a passion there to rival his own.

She wasn't a swoony, school girl or even a wistful woman; she was just Buffy: the first person he'd ever loved and the only to love him too.

He refused to close his eyes on a sight so perfect. His head bent down and to his surprise, her eyes didn't close either. As their lips touched, their gazes held, with the intensity of their eyes contradicting the tentativeness of their kiss.

Feeling her pull back her hand, his eyes clouded with panic.

But her hands just moved to his waist caressing his sides with soft thumbs.

She continued her tender stroking and soon his grip loosened, and his whole body sighed. _She was here with him: in his heart._ He moaned. _His mouth._ He grinned. _His shirt._

His fear of separation passed, and he knew this is what he'd missed for years: her love and trust and presence.

He took in a shaky breath. She'd never been more present with him and they both felt it.


	18. Chapter 17 continued

**I wrote this scene continuation not planning on posting it, but rereading it, I think it does add to the story. I never wanted to post something that couldn't be shown on mainstream T.V., so this is my compromise. I'm posting it for current readers with the intention of deleting it once this story is complete and I start posts on my next one.  
**

**Chapter 17 continued**

Slowly, he turned them until her back came up against the counter. Looking for some sign of hesitation, he found only mirrored intensity. With his eyes still on hers, he unfastened her pants.

He pushed down the garment and lifted her onto the counter. While he took off his shirt, she toed off her shoes and kicked off her slacks. Their hands returned to each other at the same moment. His went to remove her shirt as hers worked to unfasten his pants.

She had just finished pulling down his zipper when he needed her to lift her arms. She raised them and reveled in the feel of his newly warm hands gracing her sides.

After he removed the soft sweater, he took in her appearance.

The last time she'd been this exposed to him, she'd been seventeen. Buffy's gaze waivered as she realized she wasn't that girl anymore. She was a woman going on twenty with a baby on the way. Her body wasn't the same, and the main difference served as a reminder of what things had changed.

For starters, she'd obviously been with someone else. She'd married someone else, and if she could have her wish, that someone else, the father of her child, would be with her now.

When she looked up again, she found neither the expression she hoped for nor the one she feared. He expressed neither forgiveness nor condemnation - only adoration.

She felt she'd betrayed their love, but he believed otherwise.

She created a new life with someone who loved her, and no matter how much that made his heart constrict, it was the reason _he_ himself loved her.

She didn't just survive tragedy, she found prospered in spite of it. The craziness of the world couldn't keep her from making friends or feeling joy. It couldn't keep her from loving.

The sight of the current Buffy wasn't just beautiful. It was inspiring.

He covered her growing stomach with one of his large hands as she tentatively reached for his hip and drew him to her.

They each used a hand to guide him to her, both needing to feel a part of the connection.

It was a steady invasion of body and mind.

When he felt himself wholly inside, he heard a cry escape her. Her breathing became erratic and she held him tighter. He didn't need to ask why. He felt it too.

Tears slid down both their cheeks as this true moment of reunion overwhelmed them.

Even though their souls had given up hope, somehow, they'd found each other again.

Her soft cries sounded like coos and he rocked them to console her as well as in furtherance of their act. Through their embrace they both gave and received comfort.

"Angel." She'd said his name in that innocent tone of hers and hearing it after all this time only made his tears flow more freely.

"I'm here. Buffy, I'm here."

Buffy combed her fingers through his hair and thanked the powers that it was true. For the first time in over two years they were present together.

**If you think this doesn't add to the story and I should delete it now, please let me know. If you think I should keep it up permanently, let me know that too. Next post will be this Sunday.**


	19. Chapter 18: Time at Peace

**Chapter 18: Time at Peace**

With Buffy in his lap, Angel leaned against the open fridge and enjoyed the office's groceries. Even with her back against his chest, she still managed to lift the spoon of ice cream to his mouth.

"I love food."

His hum of pleasure earned a chuckle. "So do I."

Angel splayed his hands further on her stomach. She wore his discarded shirt but it served little purpose since he'd undone all of the button capable of covering her stomach. Skin to skin, the pair sat. Unable to hear the heartbeat anymore, he enjoyed feeling her baby's movements.

Once the they'd finished the ice cream, Buffy ventured out of their comforting silence. She placed her cold hands over his. "I've been thinking about seeing my mom."

She could easily picture his raised brow. "You mean returning to Sunnydale?"

"More like asking her to come visit: see where I live and work; maybe catch up on some motherly advice."

"About this little guy." His thumb caressed her belly.

"I feel old, but I'm still so young. I don't want to mess this up."

Knowing how sensitive the topic was, he spoke carefully. "It would probably do you both good to see each other."

She tensed. "You think I should go back."

"Someday, yes."

"I don't think I can carry those burdens again."

"There's more there for you than monsters." He resumed his soothing caresses as she relaxed back into him. In a low voice, he continued, "You don't ask about them."

"It would be wrong for me to ask about their lives when they can't ask about mine." She lay her head back against his shoulder. "This way, I never forget what they're going through or the pain I caused."

"Do you think the curiosity will ever overwhelm you?"

"Someday, yes."

Bringing her more fully into his embrace, he crossed his arms in front of her. "All the people who love you, they just want you to be happy."

"As of now, I am incredibly happy. How about you?"

"There is one thing which could make me happier."

"First thing tomorrow we will get all the needed fixings for waffles."

"With strawberries and whip cream, but what I was actually thinking of is a little more immediate: change of venue." He reached over and closed the fridge door. "Open fridge and nakedness are working in collusion here."

"You're cold."

He ran a hand along her goose-bumpy arms. "So are you."

Turning around, she sought out his fridge-chilled back. "No, I mean, you've always been cold, but you actually _feel _the cold."

He smiled as she took new delight in his humanity. "And I'm thinking sheets and blankets will make it go away." Bending his knees he pulled himself up.

"We kinda missed the bed."

He reached out his hands to her. "That would imply we were aiming for it."

Helping her up, Angel met her gleeful smile with a kiss. Their minds hummed with the thought: _This will be our lives now_.

* * *

Ignoring their spilt drinks and the patron's stares, Wesley focused on his colleague. "Are you sure it was the same demon?"

Cordy coddled her vision-aching-head. "It looked just like the picture in the stupid book you were reading."

"What about the book could possibly be construed as stupid?"

"Do not play watcher with me right now." She winced at her own volume. "We have to find Angel."

He followed her brisk stride out of the bar. "In all likelihood he's still at his apartment, thus our task is to reach Angel not find him."

"This is the last time I celebrate unemployment with you."

He looked confused. "I should hope so."

"Argh."

* * *

Eventually, the pair made it to his bed. Once there, they lay against each other completely exhausted. With her head on his chest, she tapped a rhythm with her fingers. "It's a good sound. Thump-thump. Thump-thump."

"It feels pretty amazing."

"When I'm with you, I'm more aware of life." She looked up at him. "I took this job because I missed that. Even if it meant risking normal, I wanted to feel in tune with life again."

He held her tighter. "Me too."

She rolled onto him completely so her hair fell around them like a curtain. "I'm in this. I want there to be an us for as long as humanly possible."

Kissing her, he sat them both up as she straddled his lap. Caressing her hair, he hooked a few strands behind her ears. "Are you really ready to start this? I'll understand if you need time. The separation and the divorce, it's still fresh."

Considering his words, she watched her hand against his cheek. This was their touch; it came at the best and worst of times. "I love Lindsey, and he loved me in spite of my secrets and brokenness . . . but this is different." Her gaze strayed from her touch. "You know the things that made me who I am. With you, I'm not broken." She murmured, "I'm never broken."

Love and hope swirled in his chocolaty gaze. "Even though I remind you of everything you ran from."

"And keep on avoiding?" She nodded "Right now, being with you, I'm at peace."

"I know what you mean." Holding her close, he leaned them both back against the bed.

"I don't want to run anymore."

He whispered, "I love you."

Her snuggling into him stilled as eyes flitted to his. "We'll make this work right? Promise me we'll make this work."

"We will."

"I'm so sleepy, - but I still want."

He stroked her back soothing her back into a doze. "What? You couldn't possibly. . . Not that I wouldn't..."

Smiling, she looked up . "No, no. I'm spent. Pleasantly numb even. You?"

"For now."

She laid her head back down. "No, I - want to stay awake - so this day can keep happening."

"Sleep. We'll make another one like it tomorrow."

Sleepily, she whispered, "Angel?

"Hmmm?"

"I never stopped loving you."

Feeling Angel kiss her forehead, she fell into a peaceful the likes of which she hadn't enjoyed in years.

For once, their world was alright - the way it should be. After so much pain, they deserved this rightness.

However, time delivers change mercilessly. Beautiful minutes met terrifying ones and in one night, their world endured another shift.

Life isn't about fairness or rightness.

Seeing Angel enter the office looking so forlorn, Wesley wished it was.

"Are you alright?"

"No."

"Have your injuries worsened since last night? I knew we should have taken you to the hospital. You're human now. You're going to have to start acting like it."

Angel ran a hand through his hair but winced at the bumps and cuts there. "Wes, not now, okay?"

After his failed fight with the Morah, any kind of lecture seemed life-draining.

Wesley picked up on his distress. He guessed the cause was Angel needing Buffy to save him from a nearly fatal fight. Being saved by anyone was not how his world worked. "You're not alone. As your friends, we're here to help you make this transition. We'll figure it out."

"You and Cor are my friends, and I promise, after I talk with Buffy, I'll be needing both of you."

"Really? Do you mind me asking what we can help with?"

"Reminding me why I did this."

"Did what? Angel! Did what?"

His weary boss entered the elevator and made his decent without hesitation. Each two steps took a second and he cursed every one.

Time had many enemies, but just this once, Angel was its number one.


	20. Chapter 19: What We Pretend

**Chapter 19: What We Pretend**

He walked down and immediately wished he hadn't.

On his counter, sat Buffy scrubbing his shirt and humming a tune. She even swung her legs to the melody: humming and swinging, swinging and scrubbing. The sight was perfectly painful.

"Buffy." The humming silenced to a smile which slowly became a frown. "I did something today."

"So did I. Your ripped pants are regular pants and this shirt is so close to wearable. For once, I approve of your all black wardrobe. It hides the blood."

"Buffy."

"Of course, now you'll have to shop with different criteria in mind since blood won't be a part of the daily."

"Buffy." His tone startled her ramble. "I went to see the Oracles. I asked them to turn me back."

"You didn't. . . . Why?"

"Because more than ever I know how much I love you," whispered Angel.

She put aside the shirt.

"If I stayed mortal one of us would wind up dead, maybe both of us. You heard what Mohra said."

"Mohra is dead." She hopped off the counter and approached. "We killed him."

"He said others would come."

"They always come. And they always will." She took his hand in hers. "But that's not our problem anymore, remember? We hung up the destiny gig. Let the powers find other champions."

"I can't stand by and let others fight, maybe die, alone." He felt her fingers slip through his grasp.

He was destroying their plans when they'd only just made them.

But to his surprise, she took back his hand. "Alright, then we fight - you and me together."

He stilled at her offer.

"You don't need to be the Power's super champ to do good. Ordinary people fight evil every day. They don't do it alone, but you're not. You want to save the world? Okay, I'm in. Let's save the world but as people who can enjoy it too. I promise you we'll better for it."

She just offered to give up normalcy to fight by his side. She'd sacrificed for him before, but now it was his turn. Like he said before, theirs wasn't a one sided love. "You saw what happened last night. If anything I'm a liability to you. You take chances to protect me, and that's not just bad for you, it's bad for the people we were meant to help."

"So what? You just took a whole 24 hours to weigh the ups and downs of being ordinary and decided it was more fun being a superhero?"

"You know that's not it. How can we be together if the cost is your life, or the lives of others?"

Truth dripped in slowly. Seeing her reach the same conclusion, he took her in his arms and stroked her hair. "I know."

He whispered. "I couldn't tell you. I wasn't sure - if I could do it if I woke up with you one more morning."

After a sniffle, she looked up and wiped away the escaping tears. "I understand. So, what happens now?"

"The Oracles are giving us back the day, turning back time, so I can kill Mohra before his blood makes me mortal."

"When?"

Angel looked over towards the clock, "Another minute."

"A minute? No. No, it's not enough time!"

"We don't have a choice. It's done."

"How am I supposed to go on with my life knowing we could have had everything we want?"

"You won't. No one will know but me."

Looking deep into his eyes, she murmured, "Everything we did. Everything we said."

"It never happened"

"Don't say that. It did! I know it did!"

She placed her hand on his chest, above his heart. He saw a small smile and sparkling eyes.

"We were at peace," she whispered.

"Buffy..." He didn't have any words for what was happening, so he didn't offer any; he just kissed her. It wasn't meant to take away her pain but share his own. In their last moment, all he gave was despair. In truth, it was all he had.

She pulled away and looked to the clock.

"No!" cried Buffy, tears streaming down her face again. "Oh god, it's not enough time"

"Sssh, please. Please, Buffy" whispered Angel, who now had tears rolling down his cheeks as well.

"No." They gripped each other so hard their knuckles turned white.

"Don't let them erase me." In whispers she pleaded, "Tell me everything. Tell me everything. Tell me everything,"

The moment ended, rewound, and then, disappeared.

Her eyes looked glassy, and her tone: strained. "Things happened. I can't pretend they didn't."

"You shouldn't- pretend that is." The words were familiar but disorienting.

"Neither should you."

"So, no pretending?"

She smiled softly. "None."

"Good. That's good."

"I suspect whatever job Cordy and Wes are on is going to take a while."

Confusion took hold and he shuffled his feet. "Huh? Oh yeah, probably."

"I'm just going to leave her a note to call me."

It was his turn to speak, and once again, he lacked the words.

Already looking for a sticky, she called out, "So I'll see you Friday?" He didn't respond.

"Angel?"

She heard his office window crash open. A Heavily armored demon landed on the floor with a snarl. But Angel was ready. This part he remembered.

The demon leaned back aiming a kick at his head which Angel ducked. Moving from a crouch, he swiped a paperweight from his desk and attacked. He took one punch and blocked one swing before his paperweight made contact with the demons bejeweled forehead.

It disappeared quickly just like the day it caused . . . the day that wasn't anymore.

"Wow, that was . . . efficient."

"Yeah." He tried to look away from where the demon died, but his gaze remained fixed.

"How'd you know how to kill it?"

Buffy was still in the room. He looked up dazed. Apparently they were still in a conversation.

"Catching up on my reading." By breaking his focus, he lost his last connection to their day. He couldn't even pinpoint where the demon stood when he died. Only empty air remained.

"Oh, good on you."

He dragged himself back the present circumstance.

"Let's-"

"Well I better -." Hearing their overlap, she stalled her speech. "-go."

She smiled good naturedly as he looked down abashed.

"Right, this is me leaving."

And just like that, she disappeared too. Listening to front door close, he sighed.

She'd been right about square one. It wasn't horrible. It wasn't where he wanted to be, but it was still on the board, and now, he knew she loved him - that she never stopped.

The only doubt that remained was how to tell her. She begged him to tell her the truth as others might beg for their life. In a way, this truth was her life. She viewed forgetting as having a part of herself erased. That's how she phrased it: Don't let them_ erase _me.

The truth could not fix anything. He believed it could only hurt, and remembering those seconds, he realized that he didn't promise her, he didn't even agree.

He frowned. That fact should matter, but it just didn't.

He'd known as soon as she asked, he would comply.

It was time to recognize a simple truth about himself. He couldn't deny Buffy. He was done pretending he ever could.


	21. 20:Still the Same & Completely Different

**Chapter 20: Still the Same and Completely different**

"I don't get it."

Wesley looked up at a perturbed Cordelia.

"After their chat the other day, I thought the tragedy magnets would be less itchy about things. If it's possible, Angel looks even more uncomfortable - always with the frowny face."

"It is a rather odd reaction."

"She comes back to work and he becomes avoidy one."

"So it's not my imagination." Buffy leaned against the doorframe. "You noticed that too."

Startled by the voice, Cordelia almost toppled from her heels. "Buffy! When'd you get here?"

Wesley continued, "Do you know, perchance, the cause of his recent behavior change?"

"Nope." She put her purse down and headed towards coffee. "I gotta say I prefer repressed annoyance to this whole nervous, jumpy thing he's got going." Pouring in the ground rounds, she shook her head. "Yesterday, he scurried away from me so fast, he actually bumped over the coffee maker."

Cordelia huffed, "I still don't know why I was the one who had to clean it up."

"Cause it was your fault." She snapped the maker shut. "Cordy, no offense, but I'm thinkin me trying was a bad idea. All it did was create jittery Angel."

"And snippy Buffy."

Her immediate look of contrition surprised them. "Sorry. I just - it's been a morning."

"Okay, what's up?" She crossed her arms communicating her stubborn expectation for answers.

"It's no big," She placated, "It's just that I passed Lindsey today."

"Oh. My. God."

"It's fine." She busied herself with pulling out mugs and creamer.

"This is the opposite of fine. Buffy, you just saw your husband for the first time since-."

"He forgot he was my husband," She wearily finished. "Yeah, I did, and it was fine."

Wesley couldn't contain his curiosity. "Did he say anything?"

"He was leaving the court house."

"And?"

"'And nothing. We were on opposite sides of the street. He didn't even see me."

Wes mused, "With you two living in the same city, this was bound to happen eventually."

"I knew I'd see him again, and now, I have."

Discerning her tone, he prodded, "It upset you."

"I don't know what it did, but I'm pregnant and recently divorced, so whatever my reaction to seeing Lindsey, I feel entitled to it." She passed them the doughnuts she'd brought. "This isn't something you guys need to make a big thing of. You fuss because you care, but it doesn't help any."

"Understood."

Taking off her jacket, Buffy sat down on what they all considered to be her bench. "Now, let's talk about something truly exciting like phony checks."

"Come again?" Cordelia looked to be listening intently.

"When you guys help people who can't give you a form of ID, you can guess their check won't clear."

The most money conscious let her head fall to the desk. "Crap."

* * *

On a relatively quiet street, Buffy stood before _Sanctuary_. She breathed in the sounds from inside and breathed out her the rest of her day. Then, she entered. She walked further in and listened as the laughter and chatter became louder and more real.

Leaning against the threshold of Lil's office, Buffy waited. When Lilly finally looked up, she rolled her office chair to her mini fridge and pulled out two waters.

"How was work today?"

Catching the tossed beverage, she smiled at their routine. These little rituals kept her content. "Fine."

"After this morning, you should have stayed and rested, or better yet gone home."

She rehydrated before replying. "I can't call in sick every time something about Linds rattles me. Being a grown up means waiting till work is over to hide under the covers."

"You sleeping here tonight?"

"I don't want to deal with an empty apartment right now. This little guy's always with me, but sometimes he makes the quiet harder." She took another drink of her water causing Lilly to frown.

"You went patrolling tonight."

She broke eye contact. "Just for a little while."

"Other people have it handled."

Buffy scoffed, "'Other people' are children."

"And you are _having_ a child."

She glanced at her stomach in shock. "You mean there's more than ice cream in there?" She smiled good naturedly. "Learn something every day."

Lil ignored her sarcasm. "Why don't you ask Angel for help?"

"Because it's not his business."

"Actually, it is - 'helping the helpless.'"

That was just inflammatory. She didn't do helpless - ever, and she didn't tolerate being viewed as if she was. She opened her mouth to argue when one of her aches started acting up.

Pregnancy and slaying had this in common; they both were hell on her back. "Can we not do this tonight? I can only deal with one ex at a time, and Linds has dibs."

Lil nodded. Although Buffy patrolled, she also returned to _Sanctuary_ which Lilly took as a good sign. It meant she planned on getting rest tonight. She learned early that Buffy slept better with others around. Just the knowledge that someone was there seemed to comfort her. When Lindsey went on business trips, she used to reclaim her room across the hall_._

Seeing Buffy yawn reminded her of those days. "You and I will always have a home here. Rooms and beds - our homemade fort against the world."

"I don't know what I'd do without this place."

"You'd sleep in your apartment."

Buffy nodded sleepily.

Lilly chuckled. "Bed. Now. Off with you."

"Bed is good; bed will make the day better."

She closed her eyes and walked to her room. She didn't need sight for that. She knew _Sanctuary _by heart. After all, it was hers.

* * *

Angel came out of the office just as Wesley was packing up. "What was bothering her?"

"Buffy?" He looked confused. "I thought you'd have heard."

"Contrary to office opinion, I do not live with my ear against the wall." Angel fidgeted underneath the watcher's accusing stare. "I don't."

"You know she saw Lindsey."

He looked sheepish. "Yeah."

"So, what are you asking?"

Unfolding his arms, Angel grumbled, "If people talked slower, it'd be easier."

"I can't imagine you missed much." Wesley thought back to the conversation. "She saw him, and while he may have seen her, he had no reason to pause."

"Still, the run in shook her."

"Their marriage doesn't exist." Wesley sounded the frustrated. "The license and records were destroyed. Buffy carries those memories alone. How they met, how they lived . . . I can't imagine what she goes through on a daily basis to carry on with normality."

Angel could barely cope after one perfect day, but Buffy was managing after a year of marital bliss was literally wiped away. He empathized while also recognizing how different their situations were.

He shared Wesley's frustration. It grew out of a feeling of helplessness. "How is she?"

"She's strong."

"I already knew that."

Wesley sighed and looked away. "I admit I didn't. From what I knew of her Sunnydale departure, I expected her to be physically strong but otherwise weak - maybe imbalanced."

Angel visibly chaffed at the comment.

"I have since found her to be quite capable, in body and mind. Instead of suppressing her grief or succumbing to it, she surrounded herself with people she considers family. In spite of personal loss, she continues to fulfill her other responsibilities - to her work, her friends, and her growing child."

Angel processed his assessment. "Good, that's good."

"It is good, Angel, but it is also worrisome."

"What do you mean? I thought you said she was dealing with her grief." He sounded anxious. "She isn't?"

"No, I mean yes. Her response to the current circumstance demonstrates a strength of will both rare and admirable. It does raise concern, however, as to the circumstances surrounding her departure from Sunnydale."

"What? Why?" The name rattled him, but Wesley seemed oblivious.

"I can't believe she is so different now. Such resilience is a part of her. I imagine it always has been." He hedged, "Having only known her a short time, though, I can't be certain."

"You're right." He thought back to that last fight. "She's too full of life to resign herself from it. "

"So what was different then?"

"What do you mean?" He was uncomfortable with the topic. It was an unspoken rule to avoid it . . . one Wesley apparently hadn't picked up on.

"From the information I have, Buffy experienced a great loss that night. In response, she distanced herself from loved ones and duty, even her identity. Faced with what appears to be similar circumstances, she responded in an entirely different manner."

Wesley was officially trying his patience. "Did she, Wes? You said she thought about leaving."

"Leaving: yes -not running away. She talked to me about it. She said goodbye to friends and made arrangements to keep in contact and stay involved with the shelter." He anticipated Angel's rebuttal, "- granted from a distance." He gazed at her bench. "I suppose it doesn't matter anymore, but I can't help but wonder what loss was so great that it could overwhelm what seems like insuperable strength?"

"I don't know." He never thought about that night.

"I've heard Giles's account of what happened, yours, even Spike's, but, Angel, has anyone ever heard hers?"

"Considering Lindsey didn't know what she is and Lilly didn't recognize me, I don't think she discussed it with them."

"She hasn't confided in Cordelia or myself either."

"So, I guess that's a no."

"Perhaps it's just idle curiosity." Wesley tried conclude his musings. "She ran away from something, and like everyone else in her life, I can't help but wonder what. Especially since she doesn't want to return. Even after seeing you and Miss Chase, both connections to her past, she's still afraid of it, still running."

Angel scowled. "I now understand the worrisome, I am now worried."

"But in answer to your original question, I believe Buffy is alright. Right now, she is fine, so remember to temper worries about the past with relief for the present."

Nodding, he kept his head down as Wesley left the office.

Thinking about his recent sulking, he felt ashamed. He recognized how blessed he truly was. Buffy made his coffee, said hello, and when he looked her in the eye, he still saw her loving him.

She made do without those things.

She looked at her husband and saw someone who didn't even know she exists. Both the memories and the love they shared were gone, but she managed to carry on . . . without bumping over coffee pots.

Understanding what strength that took, he decided to follow suit.

At 246 years old, Angel decided it was time to grow up.

Everyone has to mature eventually.

Now, it was his turn.


	22. 21: Into the Depths of Panic and Fright

Given the confusion in my last story, I've decided to take the cheesy and uninspired way out by labeling dreams based on memory as Dream/Memory. I've also put them in italics. I hope that keeps things nice and clear.

If you have ideas on how I can more subtlety achieve the same clarity, I'd like to hear them.

**Chapter 21: Into the Depths of Panic and Fright**

_Dream/Memory_

_Buffy woke up with the weight of arms around her waist. "You know, you're even pretty when you sleep."_

_Those words chased away any lingering drowsiness. She turned a bit so she could see him._

_"Hey, hey, what brought on the sad smile?"_

_Still smiling softly, she caressed his arms. "It's nothing - just memories. But you, us, this, it's good. Not even the occasional deja vu can keep the goodness at bay."_

_"I wanted to talk about the 'us' thing."_

_She turned some more so she was facing him completely. "You think we're moving too fast. Our talk yesterday about living together, totally freaked you out, didn't it?" Scooting herself into a sitting position, she mumbled, "She was right. Lilly warned me about pressuring and moving fast-" _

_"Actually, I don't think we're moving fast enough."_

_She spoke anxiously. "Is this about the name thing? I know you feel like Lilly knows more about me than you do, but I told you the history of me isn't important." She caressed his cheek. "When it comes to the person I am now, you know me better that anyone."_

_He covered her hand with his. "Honey, I'm aware we both got pasts, but I'm deciding right now that that doesn't matter." He smiled at her adorable look of confusion. "From this moment on you and I are going to be happy and loved and living life on purpose. Whatever the future holds, I want us to face it together." _

_His speech dislodged a dusty memory. _

_**"You really don't care what happens a year from now? Five years from now"**_

_**In a graveyard, she confessed contentment. "Angel, when I look into the future, a-a... all I see is you. All I want is you."**_

_She blinked and blue eyes replaced the brown eyes of her dreams. Her smile trembled. "I'd like that."_

_"Annie, will you marry me?"_

_Once again his words jarred her._

_Forgetting all thoughts of former loves, she focused on her current love and his question. She opened her mouth to answer just as the scene faded. _

She opened her eyes and found herself in a different bed . . . alone.

She hated those dreams because they weren't her imagination at play. Those moments happened.

She hated reliving their life together as much as she longed to do just last. Photos and letters she could avoid but not the dreams. They found her at her weakest and taunted her with their realness.

Crawling out of bed, she shuffled over to Lilly's room. They'd spent most of weekend at Sanctuary both finding it preferable to empty apartments. Maybe she should reconsider the roommate idea.

Of course, that would limit Lilly's Gunn time. On second thought, it was probably better to have separate places.

She tiptoed into the darkness whispering, "Hey Lil, sorry to bug you. I thought they'd go away by now, but I think seeing him last week stirred stuff up again."

She crawled onto the bed full covered with comforters and pillows. "Stupid stuff, stupid dreams. You don't mind do you?"

She patted around the bed looking for her. "Lil?" Growing worried she turned on the bed side lamp. "Lilly?"

Light revealed her deepest fear realized.

The bed was empty, and Lilly - Lilly was gone.

* * *

Angel heard someone coming down his apartment stairs, but given the time, he couldn't imagine who it was.

Putting down the sword he'd been cleaning, he reached for his crossbow.

When the figure came into the light, he thanked The Powers he hadn't put his finger on the trigger. He would have shot his visitor from sheer surprise.

"Please, help me."

Buffy was standing in his living room . . . in her pajamas . . . asking him for help. The shock of it all slowed his movements. It took him a moment to lower the crossbow.

"What's wrong?"

"It's Lilly. She's missing. I tried to find Sunny and Gunn, but they went out for another patrol somewhere. I don't know where, but she wouldn't be with them anyways."

She started to pace.

"Lilly doesn't patrol and she doesn't wander at night. I checked her apartment, but she's not there, and wouldn't be. She should be at _Sanctuary_ in her bed or her office, like she always is, but she's not, and I-"

Placing his hands on her shoulders, he stopped her pacing. "Hey it's okay. We'll find her."

She tried to remember to breath, but she couldn't take more than one inhale before continuing,

"The kids remember seeing her last night, but no one's seen her since. That's over twenty four hours and no one's seen her."

"We'll find her." He sounded stern as he took her hand and led her upstairs.

"Angel, I-"

Without pausing, he looked back. "I know."

* * *

He hung up the phone and looked out his office door. Buffy sat on her bench with her head in her hands.

He spoke softly to avoid startling her. "I called Cordelia and Wesley. They're on their way."

"I don't- I can't think." She looked up. "I try to picture, to remember, but I can't . . ."

"It's okay." Trying to bring her back to the moment, he rubbed her arms as if she were cold.

"Wesley and I will track down Gunn and you and Cordelia can head back to the shelter talk to more kids."

"Right. Talking, asking, not freaking out."

He kept his hands on her shoulders occasionally running them up and down.

"Were there any messages for her at her apartment?"

"I didn't check."

"It's fine. Cordelia can check that phone while you check the shelter's."

"Okay." The constant touch and steady tone seemed to calm her a bit.

"We'll look everywhere." He saw her struggle for composure. "Someone's seen her."

Of all the people she could have asked for help, she came to him. He didn't understand it, but he didn't need to.

She trusted him to make this right, and there was nothing he wanted more than to make her world right again.

* * *

Buffy entered first but Cordelia was the first to vocally assess the place. "No signs of struggle. That's good."

Buffy closed her eyes to pictures of them. "It just means she wasn't taken here."

"Or she wasn't taken at all."

Buffy stared at the blinking zero on the voicemail. "She could have just been killed on the street like so many others we know."

"If you want to find her, assume she's alive."

She started looking through her mail. "I hope she's alive. I assume nothing. If you're worried about my motivation, don't be. As soon as hope dies, revenge will take its place." She tossed the letters aside. "There's nothing here."

The frosty edges of her words unnerved Cordelia. Trying to shake off the feelings, she refocused on the task at hand. "Where to next? Keep in mind creeping out your investigator won't get you far."

"I'm going to look for the patrol group. Alone." She walked out.

As soon as Cordelia was out, Buffy locked the door behind them and turned to the stairs.

"Buffy-"

"The only reason you're here now is to keep me on task. When I spoke with Angel, I was panicking, but now, I'm focused. If you want to help, go to _Sanctuary _and wait for her call."

Reaching the door, she stopped. "Maybe she'll call."

Cordelia watched her walk right passed their cab. She meant for Cordelia to drive to the shelter while she walked familiar streets in search of familiar faces.

It wasn't long before she came across Sunny.

She figured he'd been looking her; he usually was.

"Anne!" He greeted her with a tight hug, but she cut it short by pulling back.

"Have you seen-?"

"No. I heard you're looking for her, but I haven't been by this weekend, so I'm not much help." He looked apologetic.

"What about Gunn?"

"They had plans for Tuesday, but they haven't talked since making the plans."

Holding her stomach, she made a noise between a whimper and a growl. He wished she'd let him hug her again. "None of the kids have seen anything?"

"They saw her leave yesterday, but it all looked normal." Looking up, she let her strong wall crack. "She would have called."

"I know." He pulled her close. "We'll figure this out. Lilly gets in trouble and you get her out of it. It's was you do."

"What if this time is different?"

"Buffy." She looked up hearing him use her name. "Until there's a body, we can't think that."

Shaking the doubt away, she nodded sharply. She wasn't the girl who fell apart. She was the one who took care of things - who could take care of things.

Pulling away, she walked into the middle of the street.

Unfazed, Sunny jogged to her side. "Where we going?"

"For new ideas."

Pulling up the sewer grate, she lowered herself. As darkness swallowed her, he joined in the descent.

That's how their friendship worked.

She saved him from one hell and he followed her into the next.


	23. Chapter 22: The Edge of a Nightmare

**Chapter 22: The Edge of a Nightmare**

Buffy stared at her phone as it buzzed. Making a decision, she stepped forward. "Hello?"

"My info guy says a demon by the name of Procrustes is looking for you."

"And he has Lilly?"

"Maybe or he knows who does." Angel sounded tense but proud. "The point is he's got a reason to think you'll come to him."

"Where is he?"

"I'm still asking around."

"I'm coming with." It wasn't a request.

"If she calls-"

"Someone else will pick up and pass on the message."

Staying quiet, he contemplated her tone as well as the situation. "Where are you?"

Buffy looked down at the demon whose mouth she was currently stepping on. "Asking around."

He conjured a picture of what that looked like. "Stop, right now. Put down the implement."

"Why?" The slight uncertainty and maybe even embarrassment in her tone gave him hope.

"Because if it was my team missing, you'd be saying the same thing. The cooler head should be the one doing the torturing." He heard the clang of whatever she'd been holding hit the ground. "Untie him too."

He heard some rustling and a scream. "Fine." The cursing he heard in the background convinced him she really did release him.

"Wesley and Gunn are combing the streets. Find a place called Caritas. I'll be under the condemned take out place nearby. This way we can leave right after."

"Good." They hung up both satisfied with their plan.

Buffy watched as her informant began crawling away. She shrugged her shoulders. Once he realized she hadn't impaired his mobility, he'd hobble his way out. What a happy moment that would be.

Confident she hadn't killed her source, she strolled towards Sunny who was sharpening another pipe.

"Angel has a lead."

"Where is he?" Tossing aside the tools, he followed her towards the sewer ladder.

"You're not coming."

"It's Lilly. Of course I am."

She grabbed onto the ladder and stepped up. "I don't know where this is heading or what mess she's stepped in this time."

Stalling her ascent, Sunny put his hand over hers."I'm not one of your kids you have to protect."

"No, you're not. You're you, but I'm not losing my whole family in one night."

"I feel the same way."

She covered his hand with her free one. "Nothing is going to happen to me. Angel has my back."

"I don't want to be anywhere else."

Her muscles tensed. "I have to be the Slayer now, and I can't be that with you there." Her voice tightened too. "I just can't."

He released her hand. "I'll go back and check on the kids."

"I'm going to find Lilly and bring her home."

He nodded and turned around before his shiny eyes turned to crying eyes. She needed to do this without him and he needed to let her . . . even if it terrified him.

He let time passed and tried to think of anything besides the friend he was abandoning . . . the friend who was missing . . . and the friends he'd lost.

He waited until she'd been up and gone for a while before starting his climb. He just needed to focus on the step immediately before him, and the one after that, and the one after. Focusing on the metal: the feel of it as he grabbed, stepped and released - this would ground him. It would prevent him from tracking Anne and stapling himself to her side.

The immediate step, and then another, the present moment before any other: that's what she taught him; that's how he'd carry on.

* * *

She didn't need to sing to draw his suspicion.

A human walk-in wasn't unheard of, but a pregnant, unaccompanied human was.

The half empty glass she held didn't help matters. Putting on his best host smile, he stepped behind the bar into her line of sight.

"What can I do for you lil' cream puff?"

Hearing the authority in his voice she answered honestly, "Angel."

"A very popular order but one I can't fill just now."

"I'll wait."

Lorne would too. The girl obviously needed some fixing. He didn't know how to go about it, but he had an idea of where to start.

"How about we cut you off the hard stuff? Give baby puff a break huh?" He reached for the glass and found her grip on it surprisingly strong.

"He'd had worse." As Lorne frowned, he heard someone join the conversation.

"It's water." Sniffing the liquid, he nodded confirmation. What he took as vodka was actually water from the tap.

Angel placed his hand on the small of her back for which Lorne was grateful. He didn't think she was drunk, but she didn't look stable either. He guessed from the vampire's expression that he had control of the situation.

"I'm going to check on tonight's entertainment. It was good meeting you Miss. . ."

"Mamma puff." She glanced at the hand holding her glass. "Thanks for mentioning it."

He smiled partly in relief. While she appeared shut down, she still cared - at least enough to appreciate others' concern.

Buffy swiveled her chair around. "So what's this guy's deal?"

"Procrustes is old and sickly."

She frowned at his description. "So not the kidnapper."

"Even in his younger days he would have been more into magic than force. Now, it's how he's keeps himself alive."

"He's a witch?"

"Shaman." Instead of elaborating, Angel looked at her warily.

"What's wrong?"

"Earl said he's not into kidnapping but he does do business." Breaking eye contact, he stared at the ground. "People come to him wanting potions, medicine, advice . . ."

Buffy pursed her lips. "You're saying Lilly met with a demon shaman without telling me?

"Can you think of any reason she might seek him out?"

Reluctantly, she admitted, "For years, certain demons have been offering the shelter magical protection. In return, they asked for physical protection from me. Neither Lilly nor myself trusted them or their magic." Her voice grew adamant. "We always turned them down."

The word 'always' grabbed his attention. "But they didn't give up."

"I don't know why Lilly would talk to them now- especially, without telling me first."

Her started pondering possible answers, but Angel focused on the more urgent question, "Do you know where they would meet?"

"That's the thing." She shook her head helplessly. "They always came to us - to _Sanctuary_. Once in a while they'd invite us to sketchy restaurant, but we never accepted. Why would she go to them? It doesn't make any sense."

"Do you remember which restaurant?" He touched her shoulder to anchor her thoughts and attention. "Buffy."

She shook her head to clear her mind. "Where's your car?'

Of course, she wouldn't just stay put while he rescued her friend.

He didn't fool himself into thinking future situations would go differently. Whether it was Lilly or some stranger, Buffy would never let anyone fight for her. She solved her own problems and anyone else's she came across.

Shaking his head, it was Angel's turn to clear his head. Admiring Buffy's spirit wouldn't help the situation, but leading her to his car might.


	24. Chapter 23: Debtors

**Chapter 23: Debtors**

They'd been driving for twenty minutes and she'd fidgeted during everyone one of them. "Why does L.A. have to be so big?"

"A lot of people." Hearing her sigh, he figured it was time for distraction. "So, you and Lilly are like family."

Buffy kept her restless eyes on the scenery. "She was the first friend I made in L.A. We've been through everything together, hell and back . . . literally." Her distant tone beckoned him to follow the words.

"When were you ever . . ."

"The summer after."

"You never said anything."

He felt her eyes focus on him. "Let's face it, even when we're not avoiding each other, neither of us have been interested in catching up."

"I guess not." He hadn't thought of things that way, but she was right. He avoided mention of the past just as much as she did.

"It's okay. We've been through a lot these past few years, but it's over now." She rested her hands on her belly. "It's not important."

He thought a moment and concluded,, "It is to me."

Growing quiet, she considered his implied request. Could she do this? Could she really talk with Angel about the past?

She wasn't sure but she wanted to try. After all, he was doing an amazing thing by helping her tonight. For that, she owed him more than answers. She looked over and began, "I'd been in L.A. for few months when she showed up at my diner."

"Must have been nice to see a familiar face."

"No need to get jealous." Remembering their interaction, she scoffed, "She got no friendlier welcome than any other familiar face has." It took a second to recollect the point of the story. "But when her boyfriend went missing she asked for my help. Turns out he'd been sucked into a hell dimension. He came out an old man a few days later."

"The time difference."

"Decades pass in days."

He easily recalled, "Centuries in a couple of months."

She looked away and swallowed realizing what he meant. Angel spent hundreds of years in hell . . . because of her. "Yeah, well, Lilly and I got sucked in too. We were locked up for a while -shared a cell. I fought our a way out, and she made sure others followed." She casually shrugged. "And that's the story of _Sanctuary_: Those kids and the building we ended up in."

"You work over a portal to hell?"

She smirked at how ridiculous it sounded. "It closed itself after we escaped, but everyone who was there that night can point out the spot."

"I'm sorry. I mean, I just assumed you started as a resident."

"I've always been able to take care of myself. That night I realized not everyone can." Her tone lost all distance, then, the intimacy of it reminding Angel of confessional. "It wasn't my sacred duty to help them. I don't even think I wanted to at first. But Lil and those kids became my family. I would do anything for them."

"Even ask me for help?"

"Anything for family." Looking over, she took in his hurt expression. If there could ever be too much truth, she'd just spoken it.

But if it had been up to her, this conversation would never have happened. She knew all her stories ended in pain. For whatever reason, though, he wanted to hear them. He wanted the truth.

At least for tonight, she'd respect that.

When he reached the _Little Palace_ restaurant, he parked, but remained seated. She knew he was waiting on her, and she appreciated it.

She didn't know what to expect inside. "If she sought them out, I can't kill them." It was both a statement and a question.

"We'll see what the situation is when we get in there."

"You know it's a trap."

"But not to kill. My guess is they want something from you. Manipulation works better on the living."

Finally, she opened the door. "So inside it is."

Angel scurried out to follow. "Wes knows where we are, so if there's a problem he knows to get Gunn and Sunny.

"Slayer strength and the champ vamp are all the power we have."

He blanched. "I'm attributing that remark to stress."

"Not a name worth repeating. Got it."

Hoping to gain the advantage, they went around to the kitchen entrance. Busy making noises and smells, the staff paid them no mind. Eyeing each worker suspiciously, the pair made their way to the restaurant doors and looked out at the patrons.

He whispered anxiously, "Do you recognize anyone?"

"Everyone looks human. All of it, it's just human."

"So, no demon shaman."

"This isn't right. It's supposed to be a trap; it looks like a waste of time." The customers paid them no mind and the staff only noticed them because they were in their way. She wished the room or something in it gave off vibes, but nothing did. As despair descended, her desperation rose to meet it.

She grabbed a chair and let Angel help her stand on it. His continued nearness helped her find the gumption to speak up. "Hello? I'm sorry to bother you all, but I'm looking for Procrustes. Can someone here tell me where to find him?" Silence greeted her. "Please, does anyone here know a Procrustes?

After a few pitying looks, conversations resumed.

She scanned the room: once, twice, but normality remained. Accepting defeat, she stepped off the chair.

Before both feet landed, something intervened. There was nothing divine about this intervention. It was decidedly aquatic.

Three tentacles wrapped themselves around her and yanked - hard. Angel was helpless to do anything but slide beneath her to soften her fall. Holding her securely, he felt the tentacles pulled them across linoleum tiles.

As they slid to an unknown adversary, the pair noticed another odd happening: the customers remained calm. They didn't scream or flee. In fact, they didn't even stop chatting.

The tentacles stopped pulling when they reached a particular booth.

"Procrustes, the herb collector? Does not sound a character a good family woman like yourself need be consorting with."

Even wrapped in arms and tentacles, she remained impudent. "My business with him is none of yours."

"On that, we disagree."

She kicked the base of the table making it fall to the ground. Finally, she was able to see him in all his squishy foulishness. "Either you know where he is or you enjoy irritating me."

"A friend of Procrustes is a friend of my enemy.

Feeling her body tense, Angel spread his legs and prepared to pull them nearer. In one quick slide, Buffy found herself within hitting proximity. She kicked a healed foot into what she hoped was his center. "Where is he?"

The tentacles squeezed tighter.

"You tell me."

Beyond frustrated, Buffy exerted a burst of energy to break free of the hold. Angel quickly followed; though, he didn't know her plan.

The truth was she didn't have one. Too much time was passing. She needed to find Lilly, and she needed to find her now.

Picking up some silver ware from the broken table, she sliced and stabbed at his tentacles. She destroyed some while Angel held the rest back.

They worked together until all he could do was sit before them helpless and bleeding.

She dropped the utensils, but didn't relent.

Again and again, she delivered punches powered by desperation and fear. "Where is Procrustes?" Her squishy foe moaned. "Tell me where he is." Another moan followed another punch. "Tell me where he took her. Where's Lilly?"

Movement across the room caught Angel's eye. Whoever the demon was that Buffy was beating to death, he had clout. Tentacles crawled towards them steadily as his numerous followers slid themselves to his rescue.

"Buffy."

She looked about the room and saw what he saw. It didn't disturb her.

Turning to the surrounding tables, she gathered silverware from oblivious customers. Then, she threw them like darts on a moving board. She wasn't alone. Angel followed suit, and with their combined speed and aim, they dispatched his comrades quickly.

Angel tallied the number fallen. "They didn't abandon him."

"But he abandoned us." Angel looked up and found her eyeing the first kill which by far was the bloodiest. Her emotions had pushed her to extremes."It wasn't supposed to be like this, end like this. . . " They would keep looking but this was there only lead. He didn't know where else to look or who else to ask.

At the sound of water, they both stilled.

They looked up in time to see the patrons condense. One by one, untroubled customers morphed into water, then, splashed a part.

Finding themselves standing in puddles, the pair took in the sight wide eyed. It was an illusion, a set up - just like they first assumed. Only. . .

In the back, five patrons remained. They stood up and approached slowly. The largest was also the first to reach them.

"You have done a great service."

Past conversations fogged her mind. Immediately, she recognized the creatures. "These were the sea devils you wanted me to kill, the ones you feared were after your family."

"Their strength was greater than ours but never yours. Nothing can overcome the slayer."

"Where is she?"

They nodded at a small door across the room. She was already moving towards it when she heard them call out.

"Know that you acted for justice! They poisoned many who did them no wrong. For that, they deserved to die."

With his hand on her back, Angel gently pushed her towards the door, but she would not be moved.

Just for a moment, she looked away from the door to glare at them. "You come near me or mine again and I will destroy your clan."

The five shaman bowed. "We apologize for pains we caused, but you see, we value family too."

"Get out." She let Angel lead her to the end of their search.

"Good night young one." With a nod, they dispersed.

She focused on the door before them and tried to imagine what lay behind it: a room, a hallway, a portal to hell . . . anything was possible, but one possibility left her nauseous.

She froze mid stride as dread consumed her.

Stopping when she did, Angel tried to make eye contact.

She didn't allow it. She couldn't. She just stared at the small door.

In a distant voice, she asked, "How many heartbeats?"

Thereupon, nausea filled him as well.


	25. Chapter 24: Tears so Dear

**Chapter 24: Tears so Dear**

Slowly, the door before them became the one of nightmares.

It didn't just conceal a loved one; it concealed their fate: soul or no soul, sane or broken, alive or dead.

Like those of their nightmare, this small door had an answer to give. It waited their move. Buffy remained still.

"I can't open this one for you. You need to see it for yourself."

She reached for his hand. "Stay with me?"

Together they moved forward. "Always."

Each step they took they brought them closer to truth. Finally, her fingertips felt the cold handle smooth beneath them.

He couldn't do this for her; still, she wished he would.

Then, she stopped wishing, stopped hoping, stopped thinking entirely; she stopped and opened the door.

There was Lilly, and there was blood.

He said she needed to see it for herself; he was right. She wouldn't have believed it otherwise.

"Buffy?"

She wouldn't have believed something so wonderful could be true. Blinking away tears, she rushed to her side.

"I'm here. I'm right here." She tried to pull the chair Lilly was tied to upright. "How bad are you hurt?"

"Head. Hands. I fell and . . . you're here. I knew you'd find me."

"Oh, Lil." Buffy worked the ropes holding her down. "Why did you come with them? I thought we agreed demon magic is a bad, bad idea."

"They said they could save him - make him remember again." Seeing her hands quivering, Angel joined in the knot struggle.

"All they wanted was for us to kill some demon that was after them. But it was a trick."

The adrenaline made her hands clumsy, so Angel took over the task.

"Buffy, they never had any magic. They just wanted to use me to get to you - make you fight for them."

Tearing off the sleeve of her shirt, she tended to the cut on her brow. "Why didn't you talk to me about any of this?"

Tears turned to sobs. "I just wanted to get Linds back." Her ropes loosened. "I didn't think, I just wanted to. . . for you. . . for" And then, she curled into Buffy's lap.

"Shhh. It doesn't matter." She batted away the hanging ropes. "All that matters is that you're safe."

"I'm so sorry. I tried, but-"

"Lil, listen to me." She brushed the hair from her teary face. "The Lindsey we knew is gone. He's not coming back." Buffy didn't bother wiping her own tears away. She just held Lily tighter. "I know that. I need you to know it too. You're my best friend. I can't lose you."

"I'm sorry."

Looking on, Angle realized how differently the night could have gone. The blood around them proved how close it was. Maybe next time Buffy wouldn't find her loved one . . . at least, not alive.

How much loss could one person handle? And would he be able to help her handle it?

Such questions punched him as he lead them out of _Little Palace_ and into his car. He felt their bruising as Lily and Buffy dozed in the back.

* * *

_DREAM/MEMORY_

_"You're ready to tell him." _

_Buffy looked up away from her restless hands. "I just wish I wasn't so nervous."_

_"This is big stuff, but you've put it off as long as you could." _

_She jumped at the sound of Sanctuary's door. "That's him; you're not leaving are you?"_

_"I'll be in the kitchen if you need me - just around the corner." She smiled reassuringly. "You know, he loves you."_

_She nodded silently and Lilly gave her a brief hug before scurrying out the side door. _

_Hearing familiar footsteps draw nearer, Buffy started to pace. _

_"Are you alright?" _

_She jumped at his voice. "Yeah, I'm fine." Lindsey looked concerned. "It's just I need to tell you something."_

_He frowned. No-small-chat Buffy was a creature wholly unfamiliar to him. "Go ahead baby, you know you can tell me anything."_

_"Okay. Before I do, I need you to know me not telling you earlier, it's not because I don't trust you. It's just I'm still figuring out how this is supposed to fit with our life. I know I couldn't keep not telling you forever, so here it goes." _

_She meant to take a deep breath and ended up taking several. _

_Second passed before the words: "I'm pregnant."_

_Silence. _

_Shock. "Really?"_

_"mmhmm."_

_"Really, for sure we're having a baby?" She nodded._

_"We made a baby." And then, awe. "Annie" He pulled her to him gently. "We're going to be a family."_

_"You're not mad I waited to tell you?"_

_Pulling back, he looked at her curiously. "As long as you're safe and happy you never have to tell me anything until you're ready." Reaching down, he took a hand in each of his. "I don't think I could be happier than I am in this moment."_

_The gentle swaying of their hands soothed her. "Now, that's saying something. You're always happy."_

_"And you can bet I'm passing that onto the munchkin. Our family will be so happy, the whole world is going to envy us."_

_Her grin started to rival his. "Promise?"_

_"Anything for you." His evident love brought tears to her eyes. Pulling her close again, he nestled in the place where her shoulder met her neck. Again, he murmured, "Anything for you."_

_Over his shoulder, she could see Lilly in the hall. Smiling like a fool, she was on the verge of tears herself. It touched Buffy to see her so emotional. It showed how close they'd become; when one rejoiced, the other did too._

_They shared it all: the better and the worse. They'd already proved they could survive the latter. Hopefully, this moment marked the beginning of happiness, the kind that lasted a lifetime. _

"Are you okay?"

Shaking herself out of her doze, she looked around the car. "Huh?"

"Are you alright?"

"Yeah." She rubbed her eyes slowly - trying to rub the useless dreams away too.

Lilly still lay asleep in her lap. Wishing her satisfying rest, she brushed her hair away from her cut. "Thank you for helping me find her."

"How is she?" Since he didn't know her all that well, he couldn't tell if Buffy's friend was dealing with or denying pain, physical and emotional.

Buffy's calm expression comforted him. "She's shook up, but otherwise okay."

He waited an extra beat before continuing. "And you?"

"Glad to have her back."

"You saved her life."

She hummed absently, as if he'd commented about the weather.

"So why do you look so sad?"

Chagrined, she looked at him. "I'm not. I mean finding her alive, it's all I wanted. It's just."

"Just what?"

"I'm the reason she needed saving."

He let that statement sit a moment. It needed space to breathe. "She went with them because she wanted to."

"She went for me. She didn't want to see me hurting anymore."

"That's not your fault."

"Isn't it? If I hadn't confided in her, if I had just dealt with this on my own-"

"You're friends Buffy. Friends tell each other the truth - the good and the bad."

"The bad is what almost got her killed!" Careful of waking Lilly, she continued in a lower voice. "I tried to use my powers to help her, tried to be her friend, to keep her safe. I just made everything worse for her."

Another statement which deserved its space. He remained quiet and let it settle.

When she spoke again, her voice was quieter. "She was right you know."

"About what?"

"She said I brought it with me: the demons and darkness."

"Darkness would be here whether you were or not."

"Her life would have been better if she never met me." She ran her fingers over Lily's tangled tresses. "All I've brought her is trouble."

"You may see it that way, but she doesn't." He glanced his eyes at her and away from the road. "None of those kids do. They love you."

She didn't need to answer. The drive was over. They'd made it to _Sanctuary_.

Sunny was out on the stoop smoking one of his many cigarettes of the night. Flicking it away, he jogged down to the car.

She anticipated his concerns. "She's not seriously hurt, just exhausted. After we get her to bed, I'll give you the recap."

He nodded and picked up his bandaged friend. On her way to the door, Buffy noticed multiple cigarette butts. Sensing her disappointment he murmured, "Sorry."

"You were stressed. I get it." She opened the door for him. "Just know, if you get cancer, I will make you go the doctor. A lot." That earned a small smirk.

As he entered, she told him she'd be a minute. Watching her friends recede further in _Sanctuary_, she sighed. Nights like this usually hurt. They left her feeling empty and alone. This one was different. She glanced at the reason why.

He remained silent, supporting her in his Angel way. Again, she heard herself sharing her heart. "I don't want anyone risking themselves because of me."

He shared her pain knowing it well. "That's what you do for family."

"I don't want to lose her."

"I know, but tonight, you didn't. Tonight, she's home." She stepped into him and tentatively, he wrapped his arms around her.

Trying to avoid a complete melt down, she took in deep breaths and let them out unevenly. The sounds reminded him of how the night began. Scared and upset, she calmed herself to save her friend. Now that her friend was saved her emotions picked up where they let off.

He held her tighter letting her know it was fine by him. "Don't hesitate to bring me any problem, okay?" She tilted her head up to look at him. "We're in each others' lives now. That's just the way of it."

Using his shoulders for balance, she reached to kiss his cheek.

Out of surprise, he loosened his hold. Knowing how to give comfort didn't mean he accepted gratitude smoothly - least of all from her.

She nodded a goodbye before pulling back and walking towards the door.

The feel of her lips, the look of her eyes . . . . both akin to tortures he once inflicted.

His pain became helplessness which in turn became anger. He punctuated the last emotional shift with a quick departure.

The world didn't need him anymore tonight; thus, his insides felt justified rebelling. They burned and stretched - easily ignoring orders to return to normal.

He wanted to end the night by sleeping, but that would require his body's cooperation.

Twinges of pain communicated its restlessness. The less rational part of him wasn't ready for the night to be over.

As a vampire, he supposed that shouldn't surprise him.


	26. Chapter 25: Happy Dreams

**Chapter 25: Happy Dreams**

Angel watched as the glass before him disappeared. He absently wondered where it went. Soon enough, the culprit got his attention.

"So that's you're Helen. Prettiest gal in all the land who left home with a younger prince." Lorne clucked his tongue.

Angel frowned. "Helen wanted the guy. I don't know what Buffy wanted, but the guy came later." He watched as Lorne replaced his glass. "She never betrayed anyone."

"Nice to see you've recovered from her killing you."

"If you read her, don't tell me." He cupped his drink with both hands. "I want to do it right this time. I'll only know what she tells me when she's ready to tell me."

"That's a lot of patient talk for swimming in bitterness."

Angel tightened his grip. "It wasn't the way things were supposed to go. No one said what would happen if we. . ."

"That's called interfering: a strict no-no for the big guys."

"They sent me to her. They found me in an alley and said she was my destiny." He pushed the glass away. "They interfere alright. I just can't tell if it's too much or too little."

That last sentence left Lorne confused. "So you wish you never saw her."

Angel started to shake his head but stopped. "I don't know what I want, but I was supposed to help her. I think I ruined her life."

"With a lil' puff on the way, I doubt she sees it that way."

"Not even twenty and she's a single parent." He shook his head to a refill. "Tonight, her support system almost disappeared. What happens when next time I can't find it?

"Self-pity wasn't made for a face like yours. Unwrink the brow. I'm betting there's hope for a happy ending yet."

"I won't hold you to that." Lorne placed another glass in front of him. Seeing him refuse it, he pushed it closer. "It's water."

Walking away from the bar, he left his client to his thoughts.

"Whether you like it or not," he mumbled to himself, "I'm looking out for the both of you."

Angel just held the friendly drink without taking a sip. He needed to sit a while and process the night. That way it would distract him later.

After all, tomorrow was another work day.

* * *

_Dream/Memory_

_Buffy shuffled to the coffee pot."When did Monday get here? I was just gettin used to Sunday." _

_"Me too." Lindsey reached for her as she passed him "You didn't have to wake up this early just for me."_

_"Hey, I won't see you for a whole week - I'll take every minute I can get Mr."_

_"I'm not complaining." He kissed her lightly. "So I'll see you Saturday afternoon."_

_She kissed him back. "Yes, now go be the workaholic I love and soon hope to reform."_

_"Baby, after this, you can say good bye to late dinners, lonely weekends, and all talk of cases. It'll just be you, me and junior for as long as we both shall live."_

_She stepped closer. "So you're telling me all that's standing between us and perfect happiness is one measly week?"_

_"And not even a whole one." _

_She leaned in and when her lips neared his, she stopped, "Get your cute lawyer butt outta here. The sooner you leave, the sooner we can." _

_She swatted his behind and he laughed at her play. "Beauty and brains."_

_"Brawn too if you ask the alarm."_

_Lindsey grabbed his suit jacket off the chair. "Someday, I'm going to find us a sturdy alarm clock -one that not even you can intimidate."_

_"I see the pile of clock corpses filling our trash have not lessened your confidence." She stepped close again to straighten his tie. "You are a very stubborn man."_

_"And you, honey, are a fascinating woman with your love of ice capades and buying tea which you never drink. I don't think I'll run out of things to figure out."_

_She looked up anxiously. "I'm just full of surprises huh?"_

_"mmhmm, and I'm going to get to the bottom of every one." He heard the nerves in her voice and decided to hug them right out of her. Them being a team meant she had no reason to worry. Whether he understood it or not, he'd always back her play. _

_As she snuggled into his embrace, her tension eased away."One week till perfect happiness."_

_"One week."_

_Buffy's phone started to buzz, so she stepped away to answer it. Opening it, she found one new text: "Happy last Monday. Coffee to celebrate?" This week may mark the end of an old life but not of this friendship. _

_She texted back, "Definitely. 3"_

_Lindsey smiled at her smile. "Lilly?"_

_Thinking about what treats she could surprise her with, she nodded._

_"Tell her again how sorry I am I can't help out this week." _

_"No worries. She understands you'll be my handy guy next week, and the week after, and the week after that."_

_"Exactly how many repairs does a new home need?"_

_"As many as I can think up between now and then."_

_Laughing, he picked up his briefcase. Stepping beside her, he laid a joyful kiss on the side of her hair. "One week."_

_She glanced at the phone again. For the first time in years, she believed perfect happiness was possible._

_She looked back to answer him, but Lindsey wasn't there. Their time was over. _

_She looked at around their kitchen and realized how surreal it looked. This wasn't her kitchen anymore. Their moment had been over for quite a while._

She woke up with tears creeping down the sides of her face.

Lilly sat at her bedside with a guilty expression. "I'm sorry this brought the dreams back."

"It's okay." Buffy wiped the tears away. "They never really left."

Lilly looked even more distraught. "I shouldn't have trusted them. It was stupid."

"Desperate people do stupid things."

"I guess I was both yesterday."

Lilly felt her gentle tugging and lay down beside her. "You don't need to be- desperate, that is." They both snuggled into the covers. "Linds and I, we didn't get our perfect happiness, but we got close. For over a year, we were a like a normal couple; we were a family. I never thought I'd have that."

Lilly scooted closer as she cried.

Buffy combed her fingers through her hair in a soothing rhythm. "Everyone wants more time with the ones they love, but I'm going to be okay. As much as I hurt right now, I need you to believe that."

Lilly took a second to look into her eyes. "If you believe it, then I will too."

Buffy nodded and smiled through her tears. "Someday, I'm going to be happy again. We both will. That's all Linds and I ever wanted for each other."

Lilly held onto the hand before her. "I'm sorry it couldn't last."

"Me too."

She held onto the hand tighter. "I promise I'm not going anywhere."

Buffy wept without reserve. "Good. That's good."

She started to curl in on herself just as Lilly reached out of her. She went eagerly into arms she loved dearly.

They fell asleep in the morning light with prayers for peace on both their minds. After so much turmoil, rest would be a welcome change.

A clatter interrupted their doze.

Intending to investigate, they both started to sit up when they heard Sunny holler, "I got it!"

"Sounds like the beginnings of breakfast."

Buffy groaned. "Either we help now and feed them, or we help later and clean up the mess."

"School just had to start early." She rubbed her eyes. "When did Monday get here anyway?"

Buffy whispered, "I was just getting used to Sunday."

Lilly interpreted her dazed expression as sleepiness. "Come on lazy bones, let's see if we can catch them before they set off the fire alarm."

Rising slowly, she glanced back at the indent she left. "I'm up."

"You sure?"

Taking in the flesh and blood face before her, she shook away the phantoms. "Let's go."

* * *

"No!" As he woke, Lindsey tried to hold on to his dream. Still, everything about her seemed to slip away, fading with the morning light.

From their conversation, only two words remained. He looked at the alarm clock and murmured. "One week."

He frowned. "One week until what?"


	27. Chapter 26: Choosing a Direction

**Chapter 26: Choosing a Direction**

Lindsey looked at his paper strewn desk trying to figure out what was missing. A knock drew his attention away.

"I heard they gave you the Stephens case." Ian grinned. "I bet Lila's jealous."

For some reason, Lindsey's coworkers seemed extra friendly lately. While remaining wary, he tried to go with it. He smiled. "Being entrusted with something this big is a way to prove yourself; it's also a way to get yourself fired."

Ian leaned in and whispered, "Or worse."

Lindsey chuckled. "I'm looking forward to the challenge, and everyone else is hoping I'll get skinned alive."

"That's a reason to celebrate if I ever heard one." He clapped his hands. "First round on me."

"Thanks but I think I'm just going to head home." He started collecting the papers together. "Maybe grab a cup of coffee somewhere."

"At nine o' clock at night?"

He slipped the folders into his briefcase. "I'm in the mood for something different - or familiar. I don't know."

"Well, I do. Good days deserve bad hangovers." He set down his brief case to slip on his coat. "Come on, you have nothing to go home to except more work. You can be boring after they fire you."

Lindsey smirked, "Or worse."

"Come on Mr. Bigshot. This is what the single life is all about. One day you have it all, and the next, wonder where it went." As they left his office, Ian slapped his back. "So, we are celebrating because tonight, it's all good."

Lindsey suppressed his disappointment at having his plans squashed. He could wander the city for a cup of coffee any time.

This, however, was a valuable opportunity to cultivate better work connections. He good naturedly let his coworker pull him along. "I don't really have a choice to I?"

Ian just laughed.

* * *

Sighing, Buffy unplugged her laptop. "Okay, I'm done here, now unless you need anything else, I'm gonna jet."

"You know, even if the Lilly thing counted as a case, you've already worked off your debt like 3 times over. Pretty soon the guys are going to going to get guilt attacks again over your meager pay." Cordelia pushed her chair back to look at Wes. "Why don't guys ever feel guilt over my pay check?"

Purposefully ignoring her, Wes glanced at the clock. "This is a proper hour for departure. Of course, you have places to be, people to meet perhaps?"

She scrunched up her face. "Like a date? I'll let Cordy handle that department."

"Thank you." Cordelia huffed as she finished painting her nails.

Shaking her head, Buffy grinned. "I promised to meet Gunn for patrol tonight."

"Anything we should be concerned about?"

Cordy put her polish aside. "Please say no."

"No." Buffy smiled as Cordelia slumped back in relief. "There's just this vamp gang that decided to crash a few blocks from the shelter. I could handle it myself, but Gunn's guys found it first and called dibs. They're only letting me come along if I promise to leave them some vamps."

Wesley coughed. "They certainly are a spirited group."

"Spirited, reckless . . ."

"Too young for dating material," Cordy added thus making Wesley blush and cough again.

"Indeed, well, I hope you will be safe at least."

Buffy tilted her head. "There's a safe way to take out vamps? Cuz I certainly haven't found it."

Seeing him scrounge for reply, she saved him the trouble. "No worries, Wes. I'm full of caution."

"When the big guy gets back from patrol, we'll let him know you left at a 'proper hour.' Then, he can start feeling bad about my starving salary."

Wesley scowled at her primping. "I'm sure he regrets giving you one at all."

"Night guys." Buffy walked out of the office with a smile on her face. It faded soon after leaving.

Her melancholy had a simple source: she missed Lindsey.

She missed calling him to say when she'd be home. She missed making messy meals with him and chatting about their boring days. Most of all, she missed getting home at proper hours and curling up beside him to whisper a playful, "Honey I'm home."

That life was now lost to her. Walking to meet her patrol group confirmed that.

Depressed Buffy needed her nightly dose of coffee. Caffeine could jitter her memories out of focus. She liked them better fuzzy.

As she entered her old diner, she casually scanned it for familiar faces. Seeing none of her kids working the night shift, she took a seat at the counter and ordered coffee to go.

"Anne! How you been?"

She smiled at her old boss. "Getting along."

"I never see Lindsey around here anymore. He doing okay too?"

Not having a good answer, she blew out a big breath. "Work has kinda taken him over lately. I don't see much of him either these days."

Clyde leaned over and patted her hand with a smile. "I'm sure he'll come back to you. Just give him some time to remember what's important to him."

In moments like this, he reminded her of Giles. She guessed it was the eyes. "I don't think time is up to this challenge."

"Sometimes a man has to take a few steps back before he realizes he moved forward for a reason."

She watched as he poured her cup of coffee."And if what he left behind isn't ready to let him go?"

"When he's ready, he'll figure something out. Your Mr. is up to the challenge."

She placed some bills in his scruffy hands. "Thanks Clyde."

"You should sit down for real next time, have some cobbler. Staff likes to see you around here."

She left with a sad smile. The truth was she liked being around here. It was the one place where the life she wanted still seemed possible

They used to split Clyde's greasiest sandwiches here and read the paper together - well, he read while she people watched. That was their Sunday lunch tradition, her and Lindsey's. They'd talk about her kids, the people bugging him at work, and the pros and cons of getting a dog.

The staff weighed in on most of the topics with new hires quickly becoming new friends.

It was a good life, and if it had continued, it would have been a life with a Newfoundland. With the help of staff and new baby, Lindsey eventually won the dog argument. He had his eyes on a particular girl puppy. He explained his choice by saying it would keep the boys from outnumbering her.

After things changed, one of her the first calls had been to the breeder. She let him know they wouldn't be picking up the puppy after all. He assured her little Charlotte would find a good home.

Just remembering the call made her eyes water. She growled at herself, _This is pathetic. After everyone you've lost, you're seriously going to cry over giving back a puppy? _

She wiped her eyes angrily and took a big gulp of coffee.

"Hey, you okay?"

Seeing Sunny eye her massive cup, she felt relief that that's what drew his concern. "It's just been a lot of late nights lately."

"You know, you don't have to come along tonight. We haven't gotten worse or anything."

She smiled encouragingly. "You guys are getting better."

"That why you've been doggin' our patrols?"

She took another big gulp and decided to just go with the truth this time. "When I'm not helping out somehow, I seriously wonder what I'm still doing here. I mean, let's face it: my life is over. Lindsey and I are done and the same goes for my anonymity. Exactly what else am I supposed to be doing with my time?"

He stayed silent as he searched for a solution. Finding one, he gave a nod of satisfaction. "When junior gets out, he'll keep you occupied."

Unable to disagree, she looked up with a gleam in her eye. "I promise not to purge the city of evil before then."

She noticed his weak smile. "Hey, are_ you_ okay?" She held her cup. "Want some coffee? The mocha part makes it only semi-girly."

He shook his head keeping his eyes on the sidewalk. "I'm not tired, it's just we have another stop to make on our way back."

Her hands dropped to her sides. "Don't tell me."

"Lilly has the details. She's meeting us there."

She took one last big gulp of coffee. "Did they call?"

"Two of them did."

Hurling the cup into a trash can, she surmised, "None for me."

He lengthened his stride to keep up with her increasing pace. "It's a phase. It will pass."

She shook her head. "I hate predicting the bad things. Can't adolescents be just a little more unpredictable?"

He smiled at her comment. When she was annoyed, she said the silliest things. It was the one bright side to delivering this kind of news.

* * *

Across town, one adolescent was doing what Buffy said she wanted: being unpredictable. Stepping off the bus, the girl shifted her duffel took in her first L.A. breath.

She smelled dirty air, dirty streets, and even dirtier people. Smiling, she concluded it was just the place for her.

Glancing around, she tried where to decide where to go first. A fellow passenger stopped beside her grabbing his bag from below. "You wear the lost look well. Can I help you get where you're going?"

She shook her head but grinned. "I'm five by five."


	28. Chapter 27: Genuinely Casual

**Chapter 27: Genuinely Casual**

Angel entered the main room and started rummaging through desk drawers. Hearing a distant conversation, he looked up to see a figure pacing in the moonlight and talking on the phone. "Why is she outside?"

"It's easier for her to pretend she doesn't have a problem if we can't see her frowning."

"We're helpful." Angel whined, "We're good at problem solving."

Cordelia looked pointedly at his dirty hands holding cartridges. "What is that on your hands?"

He quickly hid them behind his back. "Nothing."

Wesley gazed out the window and sighed. "Ms. Summers is still quite the independent lady."

Cordelia waved a dismissive hand. "Fancy talk for high maintenance. You could have had simple lil' me, but you just had to chase the drama."

"Wes go bring her in. It's cold out there."

Wesley cocked his head to the side. "Why does the task fall to me?"

Smuggling his new found cartridges away, he muttered, "I have ink hands."

With a dramatic sigh, Wesley stood up and stepped outside. The closer he came the clearer her words.

"I know and I appreciate it, but-" He approached the agitated slayer slowly "I understand that you have a job to do" As she listened to the other end, she vaguely held up a hand signaling him to wait. "Yes, I'm sure the drugged out of L.A. are plenty of scary."

Cautiously, he put an arm around her waist and steered her toward the open door surprised when she allowed it.

"No the differences is that you get paid to keep people safe while they get charged."

Still engrossed in her phone call, she let him lead her to her usual seat without so much as a frown.

"I'm not asking that you look the other way, but whatever happened to community service?"

Watching her pull up a leg for comfort, Wesley returned to his seat with a small smile. Buffy's ability to focus her whole self on a task amused all who loved her. Not even concerns of privacy or independence could distract her from the current conversation.

"If I had endless money, I wouldn't care about the fines, but this is ridiculous. You know where their money comes from. The fact I seem to have this problem more and more could be interpreted as exploitation."

Cordelia and Wesley continued their work as they listened to their friend's combination of sass and threats.

"Why would I kid about this? We've already agreed that the law is not a kidding matter. It certainly isn't in my household. Keep fining and incarcerating, and I will start putting together a case for harassment."

She bit her lip as the other end remained silent. Finally hearing a reply, she let out a big breath. "Yes, I'll find work for them that's not Sanctuary I promise."

Immediately, she reached for her pen and notebook and scribbled certain details. "Thank you."

Something the other end said made her frown. "If I didn't call this late, the whole precinct would hear our exchange. You seemed keen to avoid that after last time."

Cordelia looked up at the click sound made by Wesley flicking his computer screen.

"Okay then, late calls it is."

Apparently her coworkers gave grief to humans and objects alike.

Buffy adopted a friendly tone. "You know, if you stopped picking up my kids, you could avoid my calls altogether. . . Hello?" She pulled the phone away from her ear to see the "Time end" line blinking. "Of course, hanging up is also an option."

She immediately pulled her notebook close and began making lists. The office returned to silence that is until Wesley flicked his computer again.

Feeling their curious stares, he grumbled, "No matches."

"Impossible." Cordelia looked up from her magazine. "You have the magic computer touch. What databases hide from me, they produce for you in printable color."

"I know you said you looked, but it doesn't hurt to double check."

"Hurt the computer? No. Hurt my delicate feelings and goodwill? A tincy bit."

Buffy grinned at Wesley's discomfiture.

"This isn't about trust. This is about the real possibility that something could have changed."

Cordy raised a brow. "In the last twenty minutes."

Chagrined, he replied lamely, "Internet time works differently."

Buffy chirped, "Like hell dimensions."

"An apt comparison indeed."

Cordy gave a "pfft" and returned to her celebrity gossip.

Closing her notebook, Buffy stood up and stretched. "I'm getting us tea."

Wesley's expression perked up. "You wouldn't be amenable to raiding Angel's tea cabinet, would you?"

"You mean the tea he has brought over from Ireland? The kind he keeps in his kitchen cabinet where no proper English gentleman would dare trespass?"

Feeling exposed, Wesley stopped making eye contact grumbling, "With the pittance pay we receive, we deserve legitimate beverages during research."

Cordelia flipped a page. "If pittance has anything to do with pity, I agree. I'm glad you've finally come to my way of thinking: we deserve nice things and don't get paid enough to have them."

Buffy started to put on the hot pot for water. "Angel said before he doesn't mind us using it."

Wes snarked, "Which is why he stores it in his apartment instead of up here in the common area."

Smiling, she walked to the apartment stairs."He just likes seeing you go out of your way to avoid drinking your Yorkshire tea."

"Well duh," Cordy rolled her eyes. "Why would he choose that stuff? It's smells like sour old shoes."

Wesley remained conspicuously silent on the matter.

"Do want me to put a splash of whiskey in yours - you know, to make it a legitimate beverage."

Accepting humility, he replied, "Yes please."

She hadn't been gone a moment, when Angel called out from his office, "Can someone help me with the fax machine?" Entering the main room, he looked back with a frown. "It's attempting something evil and possibly messy."

Wesley stared at him in disbelief. "Are you accusing machinery of plotting?"

"You said plot- not me. I never said plot."

Familiar with Angel's computer fear, Cordelia picked up another magazine. "Well, I am not touching it, and if the black smudges on your hand came from the fax, I'm going to advise Buffy not to either - not until you start covering dry cleaning costs."

Wesley narrowed his eyes. "Now, that is plotting."

They'd only just heard the door shut when their visitor spoke up, "Good to see you getting your hands dirty."

The familiar voice cause them all to gawk a little. "Faith?"

"Angie, you don't call, don't write."

Still in shock, he barely registered that she was hugging him. "Wow. You're here."

Cordelia continued flipping through her magazine while Wesley just stood tensely. "Faith, what brings you to L.A.?"

"Came to save Angel of course." She stepped back from the embrace and grinned at him. "Got word you're on some super power hit list."

Suspicious, Wesley asked, "And how did you hear this?"

She regarded him casually. "Some suits offered me the job." She slugged Angel's arm. "I don't mind ya, so turned them and their large pile of cash down."

Hearing the door of the stair case open, the A.I. team tried not to wince. Faith noticed the new woman but not the tension. She continued, "I decided to visit and find out what's the what. You know, make sure you weren't dust yet."

Angel tilted his head with an odd smile. "Thanks?"

Faith walked towards the center of the room taking everything in. "So, check this out, you scored a couple scoobs. Wes, Cordelia, some blonde chick I don't know. . . ." All she could see of her was her profile as she prepared some tea.

"Faith." Angel gave the warning under his breath as he pulled her aside.

"Client or employee - maybe a little after hours happy? Please tell me one of you studs is finally seeing some action." She looked over and watched the blonde bring Wesley a mug. For the first time, she saw her face and it clicked. "Wait, Angel, is that? I mean I never met her but-"

Buffy didn't seem the least bit bothered by their guest. She looked more surprised to see Angel out of his office. "Oh, Angel, you might want to talk to Lorne about your guy's origins. The books are proving uncooperative - as well as computer searches. We're still scouring, but other resources would be of the good." He nodded watching her pick up another mug of tea.

Clearing his throat, he nervously spoke up. "Umm, I'd like you to meet Faith. She's a slayer."

Buffy smiled politely.

"You're her. You're Buffy."

"Hey."

She nodded and handed Cordelia her cup before finally preparing her own.

Angel started to lead his guest to his office. "So, how long are you staying?"

Confused by the interaction, Faith almost didn't hear the question. "Until I'm sure you're not in any more trouble than normal. If I knew you had a slayer, though, I wouldn't a worried."

Hearing the girl speak, Faith looked back. "Wes, Google isn't gonna help us with this one." Buffy sat and slid over another text from the pile. "This is text territory, so stop stalling and start rummaging."

Pulling her inside, Angel closed the office door behind them.

Leaning over, she whispered, "Is it just me, or was that way too casual? I don't know what I expected but that wasn't it. And why hasn't anyone told me you found goldilocks?"

He moved farther into the room close to the elevator. "They don't know."

She followed him away from the door remembering to keep her voice low. "You mean, she's been playing sexy secretary all this time and you never picked up the phone to tell em'?"

"It's complicated."

"She doesn't want to be found, and you don't want to lose her. Sounds simple to me."

The accusation in her tone made him nervous. "Everything just happened so fast. It hasn't seemed like the right time to call up Sunnydale and say 'hey, Buffy's here'."

"You were planning on telling them eventually, right?"

"Of course. Once things settled down a bit and -"

"Who, wait," Faith jumped a little and blinked as a thought hit her "Did I see a bun in that oven?"

"See? Complicated." His eyes begged for her to understand while hers widened in horror.

"Is Wes the baby Daddy?"

With slumped shoulders, Angel sighed. She needed explanations but Buffy needed discretion.

Shaking his head, he doubted he'd find the perfect balance.


	29. Chapter 28: By What Standard?

**Chapter 28: By What Standard?**

Cordelia and Buffy walked side by side down the side walk. For the first two blocks they'd remained silent with each collecting their thoughts.

Surprised at Cordelia's lack of chatter, Buffy grew concerned. "I know why I wanted out of there, but why'd you follow? You two not get along in Sunnydale?"

The brunette's inner monologue burst both. "I can't believe she came all the way here. I mean, I probably should. Her and Angel were always buddy buddy, but she could've just called. She should have called."

Buffy's eyes smiled with compassion. "So, I'm not the only one avoiding her past."

"When you made yourself the belle of Hell town, I could deal with that because you saved my life and didn't intentionally mess things up for me."

"You're so sure about that."

Cordelia remained unamused. "Faith killed things alright, but I don't think she ever really saved anybody - oh, I tried giving her a chance. Unlike Xander and Willow, I didn't see the problem. You bailed and we got the replacement."

Buffy blanched, but again, Cordelia remained focused on her rant. "But she didn't care. Over and over, she left us to clean up her mess; you know, she was mean to Giles? And, she slept with Xander! I mean, sure, we were already broken up then, but it's just good people policy not to sleep with friend's exes. Of course, in her mind we probably were never friends. I'm not good enough because I've never killed people."

Buffy's frown deepened with concern. "How long do you think she'll be here?"

"An hour, a month? I don't know. She's not a big planner." Cordelia threw up her hands. "She meant to visit Sunnydale for a weekend and ended up staying two years."

"Well, L.A. doesn't require her services."

"Oh, that's not why she stayed. She was just having too much fun playing with all of us: Giles and Angel and Xander. The girl even tried to seduce Oz. Killing demons is her way of passing the time in between keggers."

Buffy grumbled, "I don't need another teen making trouble."

Hearing her bitterness, Cordelia spoke in a low voice. "Kids still having police troubles?"

"I have charm and reason on my side, but I don't know all the ins and outs of our legal system."

She started scuffing as she walked. "They didn't just lose a lawyer, they lost a father figure. They all feel abandoned, but I can't help because for some of them, I'm the problem. I'm the reason he left."

Cordelia frowned. "What did you tell them happened?"

"I didn't mention firms or magic - just that we realized our lives were going in different directions. He couldn't leave work behind and I refused to force myself into a life which didn't have room for me. In the end, Linds and I decided a clean break was best."

Only Buffy could make their crazy lives sound remotely normal.

"Aren't you worried they'll try and talk to him?"

"They've tried. None of them have gotten through, though." Buffy shrugged. "Whatever messages they left won't reach him. If they've ever seen him on the street, I'm sure the firm has extracted him before they made contact." Cordelia looked at her curiously. Buffy explained, "I read the paperwork; Wolfram and Hart is taking full responsibility for keeping him untainted."

The details of her divorce were a mystery to everyone but Buffy and Wesley. The slayer's penchant for secrecy didn't surprise her, but she didn't think it helped any either.

Honest to a fault, Cordelia asserted, "You need to tell them what happened."

Buffy's posture became defensive. "Information is dangerous. As long as they're ignorant, they're not targets."

"You don't know that. You know nothing about Lindsey's bosses."

"Which is why I'm minimizing my risk. I can live with the kids hating me. But I won't jeopardize them - at least not more than I already have." She hung her head. "The contract was explicit about what consequences could come from me trying to undo what they did. I'm not going to fight a battle I can't win."

"Lindsey would try for you."

The statement sounded so ridiculous, Buffy actually laughed. "You and Angel are so sure about what Lindsey would do - what he'd want me to do. Exactly which one of us was married to him?"

"You honestly think he'd agree with you lying to them?"

"He's a lawyer; he lied for a living. As long as the kids are safe, he doesn't care what rules I break. In a choice between our child's safety and a moral code, we'd both pick our son."

"Enough with the mamma bear syndrome. I get it, you can lift cars to save a toddler."

"Slayer, remember? I could do that before I was pregnant."

"Being a mom doesn't make you right all the time."

"Being Cordelia doesn't make you right either."

She smirked, "Pregnancy makes you say the strangest things."

They both laughed and left thoughts of ex-husbands and law firms alone for awhile.

Buffy reached down to hold her hand. "I'm betting your issues with the other slayer aren't one-sided."

"Oh, I'm sure she hates me too. Our mutual dislike is the one thing we do share."

"Things are going to come out okay. We just have some stuff to work out."

"Some people you mean."

"Them too."

* * *

Faith stepped out of Angel's office looking bewildered. She scanned the main room. "She gone already?"

Wesley presumed she meant Buffy though Miss Chase was also absent.

"Working this late was an exceptional circumstance."

He watched her close the office door behind her. Obviously she and Angel had finished for the night. No doubt his boss remained inside with crossed arms fretting over this new complication..

"You try to ship off this slayer too?"

Unaffected, he continued leafing through texts. "She hasn't tried to kill anyone, so no."

"I've saved more than I've killed." Her confusion quickly mustered itself into irritation. "She could have saved hundreds these past years, but instead, she runs off to play house. How can a watcher be okay with that?"

"I'm not her watcher. Since the council terminated my employment, I'm no one's watcher."

"So slayer slacking doesn't bother you."

"Why does it bother you? You wanted to be needed and belong. Well, now you're it: the one girl in all the world. . ."

Her eyes narrowed. "Those protective vibes I'm picking up?"

"Buffy and I are friends, something you and I never were."

"I get it. Girl's gotta be knocked up to catch your eye. I shoulda pegged you for the mamma type. That swollen gut just make you want to -"

He closed his book abruptly to stop her crude tirade. "You asked why I don't reproach her for abandoning post; it is because unlike most people I've met, including you, she actually gives a damn - about her family, friends - about everyone she comes into contact with."

"You're forgetting the part of the story where she left them unprotected on a hellhole."

"I know it must have been hard to read a file with so many big words, but even you're poorly educated mind must have been able to suss out the concurrent apocalypse. Prior to departure, she saved her mother, her friends, you and I and everyone else on this ungrateful planet from being sucked into Acathla's hell dimension. If she wanted to retire to Tahiti afterwards I wouldn't think less of her."

"Saving the world is part of the gig."

"Not yours. How many apocalypses have you averted" He saw her about to answer and waved his hand, "Ah, without anyone else in the room to back you up?"

After a moment of silence, her mouth tightened into a firm line. "I got time."

"Alas, you really don't. In her first three years of slaying, she stopped three apocalypses - that we know of. Even if you eventually prevent more, you will still be the late bloomer."

"But I'm still in the game. We don't all tap out after the first round."

"You haven't even completed a whole two years, yet you claim to have lasted longer. If you had completed high school or even obtained your GED, you might be able to recognize the contradiction or at least be able to count."

"Screw you."

"So refined."

Her brows raised at his lack of sputtering. Wesley Price wasn't the same pansy from Sunnydale. "Good to see you've found your inner ass. It's about time."

Calmly, he reached for another text. "Your behavior disgraced the council as well as your calling. You endangered civilians -not to mention the world and made it so I can no longer serve the organization I pledged my life too. Under such circumstances, I'd say I've been the epitome of hospitable." He looked up casually. "Dictionary is on the shelf should you need it."

Rolling her eyes, she waved and walked. "I'm out of here."

"It's been a pleasure." He returned his eyes to the text and continued the work Buffy and him began.

His boss didn't wait long before coming out of hiding. Although, they often put off conversations, Angel thought it best to have this one out now. They way they didn't start having it during an apocalypse in hearing range of an audience. Besides, they'd put this particular one off for far too long.

So, he stood in the doorway and waited for Wesley to acknowledge him.

When Wes finally spoke, he didn't look at him. "Does she plan on staying here?"

"It's not like she has other friends in town." Warily he started the conversation. "I know things are awkward between you two."

Wesley's frowning eyes met his. "Aren't they for you?"

Steadily, he answered, "Things between Faith and I are fine."

"You baffle me." He pushed the book away and sat back looking incredulous. "I recall you worrying yourself into knots over the actress, but getting involved with another slayer, that doesn't pose a problem. I agree," he murmured sarcastically, "Buffy won't mind a bit."

"Faith and I were never involved."

"Looked like it from my perch. The many late night patrols. . ."

Angel rolled his eyes. "Because I could really help with the midday ones."

"The one-on-one training . . ."

"Which you suggested and started. I guess that means you bedded her too."

"She was chained to your wall for two days!"

He raised a brow. "A night, a day, and part of another night to be exact, and if you hadn't rushed the place, it might have done some good."

Wesley scoffed, "Because everyone knows bondage is an effective therapeutic technique."

Angel spoke low and slow. "I did not take advantage of Buffy's replacement."

Wesley regarded him seriously. "I don't doubt it was consensual."

"Faith was never in a frame of mind to consent." He shook his head. "She's still not. Any line crossing would have been taking advantage. If I wanted solace from despair, it wouldn't have been her."

Wesley heard his conviction as well as what it mixed with . . . "But there was a time that you considered it."

"You look at Faith and see a dangerous woman." Wearily, Angel leaned against the door frame. "I've always seen her as a child, a confused girl who was given more power than she could handle."

"That describes every slayer." He looked at him meaningfully. "They all start out children, but that didn't stop you."

Finally, the conversation they both had tried to avoid . . . the one every watcher would wish to have with him if they knew the facts.

"Buffy was different. She was and always will be the exception."

It was a promise, but more importantly it was the truth. He acknowledged the sordid facts to himself and the story behind them.

He was 243 years old when he courted her; she was seventeen and a slayer. By definition that left her socially isolated and emotionally vulnerable; he knew that from the beginning and still he let their relationship progress . . . because he loved her . . . because she could love him . . . because without knowing its significance, he knew they would be happy together.

Wesley swore, "Still, it should never have happened."

Angel regarded him warily. A relationship between a centuries old vampire and a human minor transgressed every known divine and mortal law. By that standard Wes was right.

"On that you and I agree, and for breaking the natural order, Buffy and I suffered the punishment: we both found ourselves in hell."

Wesley realized how ill-timed this conversation was. Angel had sinned, but since then, he had suffered and repented. Judgment now could do no one good; it only agitated his deepest wounds. "I'm sorry."

"Following a heart that doesn't beat, why did I think it would end differently?"To show he held no ill-will, Angel smiled, but it didn't reach his eyes.

As Angel receded into the shadows, he left Wesley with an unpleasant realization. They both considered a union between Angel and Buffy as unholy, but Angel still held it as a poetic vision deep within his soul. He recognized tragedy tainted it, but regret never left a mark. The consequences grieved him but not enough to make him regret their causes.

Angel admitted it should never have happened; still, if he had his way, it would happen again.


	30. Chapter 29: Order of Importance

***Auther note: Doyle was half Brachen demon, so when this chapter mentions a Brachen, picture Doyle in demon face (scary to look out but generally a peaceable species).  
**

**Chapter 29: Order of Importance**

Cynthia handed over the cup holder of coffee. "I'm off in twenty."

Buffy laid down a sizeable tip. "You can meet us on our first pass of the park."

Watching the notorious warrior maneuver her purse around the coffee, she chuckled, "This for you or for them?"

"Caffeine is a definite good about this time. It's one of the few things Gunn and I agree on - at leas,t he pretends to agree since Lilly likes it."

"So, it's for the old folks."

"Hey!" Buffy feigned offense. "One of these is for Sunny, you know."

"Let me guess. The mocha frappaccino?"

"That's our sugar high guy. Though, I guess mountain dew would achieve the same thing."

Grinning, Cynthia tossed her hair behind her shoulder, "But the bubbles hurt his throat and let's not mention the freaky colors."

Buffy quoted, "Anything that bright qualifies as a cleaning product."

Cynthia finished it, "and my insides are clean as toast."

Shaking her head, Buffy took her drinks and backed away. "See you soon."

She started down the block and sensed someone following her. It didn't take a supernatural demon hunter to hear the squeak of leather pants.

She slowed her pace and waited for the girl to catch up. "Hello, Faith, right? Are you looking for anything in particular or just enjoying your first night in L.A.?"

"Bus ride made me restless. Nothing like a late night hunt to take care of that. You know how it is."

"Tracking me is a waste of tracking skills. I promise I only have honorable intentions for these coffees."

Holding back a smirk, Faith fell into stride with her. "And yet you ran out of the office pretty quick."

"I'm sorry I couldn't be more hospitable, but A.I. is just one of my jobs. I'm currently on my way to another."

"Well, if I keep you safe from beasties, maybe you can tell me: slayer to secretary, how's that even happen?"

"From fighting the forces of darkness to picking up coffee orders? Not really sure. Just did."

"I met your groupies in Sunnydale - heard a one sided tale of doom and danger chasing off the infamous Buff. It left me expecting dark avenger, even darkly crazy - not pig-tails and knitted booties."

"Good to know someone's sure about me not being crazy."

"Rockin some serious denial maybe, but . . ."

"Knitted booties - sounds kinda adorable."

"Your provin' my point B."

At her whine, Buffy shook her head in amusement. "My job is actually quite close to here, so our stroll is almost over."

"You gotta give me something. I can't run into Buffy Summers and not hear your side of the final fight."

"It was a fight like all the others - including the part where I won."

"But it's the one that got everyone guessing - even Spike has his theories."

Buffy stopped walking and smiled ruefully. "How is Spike?"

"Neutered, and currently swinging for the side of puppies and poker kittens - but, hold up," She reached out for her arm. "The first thing you ask me about is the vamp that got away?"

"My loved ones knew I loved them. When it really was the end, the only unfinished business I had was with big bads."

"You talk about it like you died."

"Mind as well have. I'm not there anymore and I don't plan on seeing them again." She nodded to the building behind her. "This is my stop. If you need a place to stay, the invitation's on the door."

Faith shrugged. "I'm crashing at Angel's."

Buffy stiffened. "Then I guess, we say good night. Thank you for the company."

Faith focused on something across the street frowning. "Any time."

"Don't."

Faith looked back scowling. "You just ignore evil now. Is that it?"

Buffy looked over to see the neighborhood Brachen, Willard who was both homeless and harmless. "He's not hurting anyone, so he's not my problem."

"Well, he is mine."

Faith moved towards him, and Buffy called out. "He doesn't like to kill, but he's got no problem defending himself."

She paused in the street. "You protecting me or him?"

"Goodnight Faith." Buffy stood as straight as a sentinel waiting for Faith to move along.

"What a waste of power." She nodded towards the demon sleeping on a bench. "The fact you even know what _that_ is means you're not normal. What you are is out of shape." Faith stalked towards her. "Me? I'm at my peak, ready to take down anything and anyone, so I ask you a question, you answer. Got it, B?"

Buffy nodded and then maneuvered. She kicked her hard between the legs - definitely not a move Faith was prepared for. Then, then without spilling her coffee, Buffy put her in a one handed headlock - one which would snap her neck if either of them moved a hair. "You're a slayer, so I get that you've been through hell- metaphorically. Well, _F_, I'm the slayer who went to hell - literally." Using her thumb, Buffy pressed down on the nerve between Faith's jaw and neck. "Don't let the braids fool you; I'm more dangerous than you could ever hope to be."As Faith tried not to wince at the acute tooth pain, she felt the tip of a tongue lick her exposed neck. "Goldilocks thinks you should go home now; otherwise, every bear she's made peace with might do me a favor."

"Bring it," she gritted out.

"Not the kind that kills you silly." Buffy blew softly on the trail she made "No, you'd be around for quite a while . . . maybe eternity." She watched the goose bumps slowly rise. "There are many mouths to hell you know." Buffy felt her stiffen. "Awe, poor little faith - out of the loop on everything."

Forcing her body to relax, Faith threatened, "I know where _you_ are."

Buffy released the headlock a fraction of a second before she kicked Faith's legs out from under her. Unprepared for the fall, Faith smacked her head on the sidewalk. As she walked away, Buffy intentionally stepped on her hair and thus, effectively kept her down. Through the relentless throbbing, Faith heard her murmur, "I can hide in plain sight. Can you?"

* * *

As her vision slowly cleared, Faith obsessed over the smallest detail: Buffy took her down holding 4 cups of coffee, and she never spilled a drop. Whatever the demon across the street was, she'd leave him alone - for now. It wasn't worth the headache . . . or the tooth pain.

Rubbing her head, she slowly stood up and skulked away trying to shake off the lingering pain. She made it a block before she sensed the second presence. Apparently, all demon fighters dabbled in stalking. "You could of warned me."

"About what?" Angel stepped out of the shadows. "The fact that she's a slayer; you knew that."

She continued walking to distract herself from the lingering pangs. "I thought she was retired, you know? the slacker slayer - not in top shape, bursting with rage."

"Power, she's bursting with power."

"Whatever you say man, she seemed pretty pissed to me."

"She has her reasons."

Faith scoffed, "Such as?"

"Well, first, this is her beat; early on she claimed these blocks as under her protection."

"So, we're like trespassing?"

"If we were just out for a stroll we'd be fine, but she takes people patrolling here as an insult."

She smirked, "I take it, you tried once."

"I followed an elder vamp from a kill. About a block from here, we fought and it left me and a passing civilian in pretty bad shape before Buffy came and ripped its head off." Faith's eyes widened at the kill method. "The fact that I stirred up trouble in her area added to the fact that I couldn't finish the job. . ." He rubbed his wrists absently. "She's learned a lot about intimidation since Sunnydale as well as the nervous system. I've respected her territory ever since."

Ignoring the comment on intimidation, she blustered, "And the other reasons?"

"She doesn't like to be reminded of her past."

"She works with you and Cordelia and ya'll are way more past-related than I am."

"That's still a work in progress. More work than progress actually. Conversations are few, and we never reminisce."

"So you're telling me, I'm not the only one who gets the warm welcome?"

"And finally there's the fact that you threatened first. That's a sure way to set her off."

"So pretty much, I just stepped on her turf and spat in her face? Granted, not the best first impression . . ."

"Faith." Looking over, he spoke low, "I know you have issues with her as well as some questions, but don't expect to be satisfied on either count."

She smiled ruefully. "I screwed up that bad, huh?"

He shrugged. "By tomorrow, she won't give it another thought, but she's not interested in justifying herself or mentoring anyone."

"Hey, I never said I wanted-"

"You came to Sunnydale looking for _her_. You found watchers instead: one burned out, another evil, and finally Wes who was well, Wes." When she didn't interrupt, he pressed, "You feel abandoned by the one person who can make sense of your life. Now that you've found her, you want payback and answers - in whatever order."

"I hate when you try and get inside my head."

"She's not interested. She might tolerate you, but she won't humor you."

They walked quietly for a while.

"So, you're saying it's best not to ask?"

"Ask away. I'm saying don't expect answers."

She nodded before turning away.

"Where are you going?"

"To check out L.A." Looking back, she rolled her eyes. "Pack up the worry. I'm not the one on some lawyer's hit list." She backed away with arms spread. "You take care of you and I'll take real good care of me.

He wondered how long it would be before he regretted letting her wander alone.

Sighing he thought, _It's nice that people care about my physical and moral well-being, but if certain people could care a little less . . .  
_

Unlike others, he didn't want to be remembered; he just wanted to be forgotten . . . or at least disregarded. Oh, for the days of anonymous homelessness.


	31. Chapter 30: Facts of the Universe

**Chapter 30: Facts of the Universe**

Buffy walked in carrying several plastic bags.

"I have sandpaper for the kitchen door, silicone for the car cracks, and another bulb for the porch light that keeps going out." Seeing Cynthia in the hall, she sighed, "Whatever it is, please, say it can wait."

The girl shook her head uncertainly, so Buffy put down her bags and followed her to Lilly's office. There, she found Lilly and Sunny waiting.

"She's out again."

Buffy took a chair. "Of course she is."

"These are the matches so far." Sunny handed over the post-its.

Buffy rolled her chair to what they self-consciously referred to as the "crazy desk" covered in police scanners, radios, and other items only paranoid crazies seemed to posess.

Lilly pulled over a map covered in various pins and flags. Pointing to a swirl of orange flags, she explained, "Here's her estimated route. Some of the reports didn't come with physical descriptions, but they correspond to her likely whereabouts."

"I'm impressed." Buffy nodded at the map and flipped through the post-its."So, Faith, let's see what you've been up to."

Watching her easy perusal, Sunny frowned. "You remember what all those are?"

"I've seen them enough times." Buffy started from the bottom. "Night before last we have a 390-F which is code for drunk subject suspected of being on PCP." Sunny nodded.

She pulled another. "Then there's a 314 for-"

Lilly answered, "indecent exposure."

"A 904-I for an illegal fire; she'd need it to keep her exposed self warm." She grinned. "Of course a 918, code for insane person."

Lilly observed, "Probably from the PCP."

"And here we have a 647, code for-"

Sunny supplied, "vagrancy."

Buffy glanced at the corresponding mapped flag. "When she wanted to crash, Angel's was too far."

"She might have forgotten the way." Lilly shrugged. "She is new in town."

Sunny remarked, "Hog wouldn't have helped any."

Buffy shook her head. "These are from last night. There's a 602 for trespassing and then-."

Sunny pointed at the sticky her in hands. "What are those?"

"415 E and G?" She looked up. "Those are disturbance codes, one at a party and one of the gang fight variety."

"And the ten code?"

Lilly answered, "10-29M means they want her for misdemeanors."

Buffy reached the top post-its. "And today we have a 925, person acting suspiciously, and the likely 10-29FD."

"That's the felony one right?"

Staring blankly at the map, she recited from memory, "Subject wanted for a felony, considered armed and dangerous, use extreme caution."

The room went silent as they considered the implications.

Lilly pulled off the top post-it. "What's this last one, the 601?"

"Oh, my personal favorite." She smiled faintly. "It's the Police code for incorrigible."

Spreading the post its out, Buffy surveyed the mess Faith had made.

Amidst the weighty silence, Cynthia came to the doorway, "I put the bags in the kitchen."

"Thank you."

Sensing the room's tension increase, Sunny stood up. "I'll go get started sanding the door jam."

Cynthia followed him out, "Oh, and Anne got silicone for your car so don't forget-"

"to put it on before the next rain, Cyn, I haven't forgotten."

"I'm just keeping mildew at bay. Not everyone finds it as acceptable as you do."

"It helps to remember that the world is full of scum."

"Ew."

Lilly and Buffy listened absently as the kids chatted their way to the kitchen.

"What are you going to do?"

Buffy took a deep a breath and collected her thoughts. "Well, the 10-29's mean I should visit the station before the manhunt. From her recent activity, we can assume she's wanted in Sunnydale too. I'd prefer if our police didn't realize that."

Lilly watched her grab her coat. "Remember, Dan's social worker is coming buy at four. We can't reschedule again."

"I know. Rescheduling sends the message we're big ol' flakes." She shrugged on the coat slowly as she thought. "Okay . . . I'm going to take Raquel to her parole meeting and be back in time for Dan's appointment. I'll have Sunny pick her up."

"Can't he drop her off too?"

"She asked me to take her. I think she's nervous." She padded her coat for keys. "She must be to ask me. She hates me."

"Raquel doesn't hate you. None of them do. They just . . ."

"Miss him." Their eyes met. "I get it."

Lilly followed her out into the hall. "What about the incorrigible Faith?"

"I'll deal with it after the sun goes down." She stopped a passing boy. "Can you find Raquel and have her meet me at the car?" He nodded and walked away. "Thanks Bernie." Pulling out her keys, she checked her watch. "Here's hoping they don't try to arrest her before nightfall; I guarantee she'll resist."

Lilly touched her arm before she could rush off. "Tell me again why are we dealing with this?"

"She's a slayer." Buffy rubbed her head from the headache. "The damage she can cause, the evasions she can pull off will have police and media descending pretty quick. Our area doesn't need that kind of scrutiny." She shrugged. "Either we prevent the mess, or we clean it up."

After a few second, Buffy walked away, and Lilly let her. Seeing her reach the front door, she called out, "I thought Angel was going to watch her."

She opened the door and looked back. "So did I."

* * *

"Faith still not back yet?"

Angel continued to pour his coffee. "Your desk is by the front door. If she came back, you'd know." He felt the weight of Cordy's skeptical gaze. "If she used another entrance, then no one would know."

"Don't get me wrong. I like not seeing her. Send her home and I'll like it even better."

He put the coffee pot down wearily. "I can't just send her home."

Wesley harrumphed, "And why not?"

"I'm not her father, brother, or watcher. I can't _send_ her anywhere."

Cordelia flipped her hair. "Hmmph."

Wesley offered, "You could tell her the reason she came has been handled."

"It hasn't. Lindsey's firm still wants me dead."

"But you could tell her that you're taking care of it."

Cordelia perked a brow. "I think the geek is suggesting you lie."

Wed nodded. "Profusely if necessary."

Frowning, Angel sipped his coffee. "Let's just focus on our work okay?"

"What work? We finished the Lobo case yesterday."

He shrugged. "Completed case means paperwork right? Files of some type."

"A bad check, a carbon receipt, copies of ID all of which I filed _yesterday_."

He picked up cordless phone. "I'll call Gunn and ask if there's anything I can kill for them."

Cordelia threw up her hands. "So you're going to give away your services. Labor without pay."

"What else am I going to do tonight?"

* * *

"Anne, don't you ever go home?" In the crowded station, Buffy turned to see a young officer passing by. Though exhausted, she gave what she hoped was a friendly smile. Before she could tell if he smiled back, she noticed the older officer Reynolds vying for attention.

"You're saying miss PCP is part of a patrol group?"

Buffy hoped to bluff her way past his skepticism. "The best we have."

"She's suspected of a felony."

"Most of them are. Even I've been suspected of murder a few times."

"I know there's more to these kids than criminal activity, but contrary to what you and your husband think, they are not exempt from the law."

To him, she was still Mrs. McDonald, she hoped that worked in her favor. She reasoned, "Regardless, kids shouldn't be locked up for making our neighborhoods safer-safe from things you can't help them with."

"That's what this girl is huh? A misunderstood hero?" Pulling her aside, he murmured. "Killing demons for the greater good I get, but show me the honor in drug use and vagrancy."

"Pointing your gun at her won't fix this. How many arresting officers has she assaulted and evaded? Either you allocate more resources and still fail to bring her in, or you leave this one to me."

"If my department can't handle her, I know you can't."

"Before I was a wife and mother, I was a fighter too. I can get through to her, keep her in check. All I'm asking is that you let me."

"You'll take responsibility?"

"If something goes awry, you can bring me in for negligence - reckless endangerment even."

"And Mr. McDonald too?"

She made a split second decision. "He's no longer involved with these matters."

Leaning back casually, Officer Reynolds inferred the truth. "Even the crazies can't make a marriage work nowadays."

Restraining herself, she spoke in a clipped tone, "Are we in agreement?"

"Without a law twister tog give you influence or leverage, your demands aren't really demands, are they?"

Her eyes narrowed. "I'm offering help which you are free to refuse."

He contemplated her in silence then straightened. "Put off the intensity. Don't want to drive everyone away now."

She tried to confirm the interaction. "So she's off your radar?"

"If she makes trouble, I'm bringing you in."

He waited for her to nod before walking away.

Calm as ever, she called out, "Officer Reynolds, Harry still lives on my street. Harold Reynolds is your brother right?" Seeing him bristle, she raised her hands in surrender. "I won't be hard to arrest; I could use a break from nightly patrols. In fact, time in here sounds downright heavenly."

He shook his head in defeat. "Just keep her off my scanner."

"Will do officer." This time, she walked away first.

She heard him call out, "You watch out for the normal stuff too right?"

Without breaking her stride, she replied, "Harry hasn't had a break in yet."

He mumbled to himself, "The black hearts deserved each other."

* * *

The young man she'd smiled at earlier held open the door.

"Thank you." Stepping out of the station, Buffy pulled out her phone.

"You're not picking up Gemma?"

She dialed a number. "I was here for someone else" She looked up. "Wait, Gemma's here?"

"We brought her in for solicitation."

"How long?"

"She's only been here for a couple hours. She hasn't called anybody, but I figured one of the guys called you."

"That's not really how it works with us." She murmured, "I've annoyed this shift plenty." Fidgeting with her phone, she looked at the number. "I have to make a call first, but after, I'll go see Gemma." She smiled sincerely this time. "Thank you for saying something."

"No problem. Take care Anne."

She stared at the ground and listened to his receding footsteps. She contemplated the phone one more time before pushing send. Hearing the first ring she thought, _What have I gotten myself into?_

The ringing stopped. "Angel investigations, we help the helpless."


	32. Chapter 31: Fluctuating Conflict

**Chapter 31: Fluctuating Conflict**

"So, when she said she came to make sure Angel was okay. . ." Cordelia looked at the speaker phone.

"She meant the cops were coming down hard, and she needed to skip town." Buffy waited a moment. "No one coming to her defense?"

Wesley kept his eyes on the ground. "We should have watched her more vigilantly."

"Try, at all. You haven't seen her in two days."

He shrugged. "She does keep an unusual schedule."

"The L.A. PD connected her with some of Sunnydale's open cases, but they're not going after her unless she provokes them."

"How'd you work that?" Cordelia asked.

"If you want to believe in people's ability to change, you need to have a backup plan for when they disappoint." She sighed, "The arson and assault charges alone add up to 30 years, and I'm betting she's going to provoke. Talk to her, get her settled some place, call Angel's fancy tea connections if you think that'll help."

"This is well-traversed territory." She could almost hear Wesley cleaning his glasses. "We tried everything we could the first few times. We're out of ideas."

"So get some new ones."

Cordelia offered, "We could call Giles."

The name startled all, but Buffy managed to reply, "It doesn't take special watcher training or a high school diploma to figure kids out. Just don't give up."

Wesley ventured, "Maybe you should talk to her."

She hoped he meant Cordelia, but when she didn't hear an answer, Buffy picked up his meaning. "I'm on the hook for this, but I don't know the girl. She came to you. You're her friends; I'm just the messenger."

"You're more like her than we are," Cordelia observed.

Wesley prodded, "Talking with someone who understands what she's going through could help. Can you think of anyone else?"

"She cares about Angel."

Cordy shook her head. "Chosen one remember? He's the thing you guys were chosen to kill."

"While they may share certain traits in common, I agree his usefulness is limited."

"Guys, I'm you're secretary - not your slayer. I'm sorry. I know I work with angry teenagers every day but Faith isn't my responsibility. She's yours."

Cordy rolled her eyes. "Very mature Buffy."

Wesley explained, "This situation calls for someone who knows what they're doing."

"And you're afraid of messing it up, making things worse, but I'm trusting you to try and help anyway. Talk to Angel when he gets back, figure something out. I believe in you." With that, she hung up.

"Hope she has a backup plan." At his squint, she explained, "For you know, when we disappoint."

"While Buffy is a mother, she is not our mother." He shook his head. "As usual, though, your independence takes the biscuit."

* * *

Buffy looked into the white-barred holding cell. "So, this was the plan: sweat blood for a GED in order to work the streets. You don't really need credentials for that." Buffy waited for Gemma to look up, but she never did. "Jude put you up to this?" She replied to the sneer. "I just want to know if you're supporting his drug habit or yours." She leaned against the wall wearily. "What are you doing Gemma?"

"I'm doing what I have to keep my man."

Buffy considered her carefully. "You pregnant?"

"JD don't want no baby."

"You pregnant?" Finally, they made eye contact.

"I didn't call no one, so why you here? Go fix your life and quit messin mine."

"You're hoping once baby comes, Jude will step up and be the man you think you need." Gemma glared, but Buffy remained unaffected. "You see me and my situation, and it terrifies you." Buffy took in the scene of a sorely missed girl. "Lindsey was so proud of you when you got your GED."

"Yeah, and now he's gone."

"Yeah," she replied simply. "And now I have Lilly and Sunny and all you kids keeping me going. I'm still here." She watched her head go down again. "I came down to help a girl who's in a lot of trouble. One of the officers mentioned you were here." When she didn't look up, Buffy pressed, "Why didn't you call me?"

"JD is coming to get me."

Buffy took a deep breath before speaking the hard truth. "You sold yourself because Jude doesn't have any money. He'd have to pay your fine before you can leave." She watched Gemma's shoulders' hunch further. "They want to keep you for two weeks this time."

She started grounding the floor with her foot. "Fine."

"I'm calling Lilly to pick you up."

Gemma looked up. "You're not going to do it?"

"The girl I came to help, I talked with the cops; now, I have to talk to her. Of course, I have to find her first."

She pursed her lips. "I know where some junkies hang."

"I know too." Buffy looked on sadly. "After Lilly comes, if you want to go back, I won't think less of you. It's your life. When you're ready, you'll find your happiness."

She thought the conversation was over when Gemma answered, "I already did. Now, I'm working to keep it."

Buffy understood the unspoken accusation. "Everything we do and everything we don't do has consequences. Linds didn't want to leave us. He didn't have a choice. The truth is we can't always keep the ones we love."

Gemma's expression soured with scorn. "You sure he loved you?"

Buffy straightened. "I'm sure if it was up to him, he'd be here for every day of his son's life."

Having known Lindsey, Gemma recognized the truth. She deflated. "So, why isn't he?"

Buffy sighed. "Because meeting a prince is just the beginning. The dramas don't end there." She smiled faintly. "You know that. It's more like they lived in fluctuating conflict ever after."

"Not as catchy."

Buffy shrugged and walked towards the exit.

"You'll call Lilly?"

Nodding, she looked back sadly. "Take care Gemma."

* * *

Buffy stepped out into the cool night air. "Okay Cyn, where's our girl?"

Getting an answer she could work with, she hung up the phone and carried on never noticing the officer watching her. "Peterson, she's coming your way, keep alert."

Buffy noticed police cars where they never were before. Wary of drawing attention, she slipped into an alley and took the sewers the rest of the way. Over the years she'd become accustomed to the smell, but since becoming pregnant, her nose lost its tolerance.

Grimacing, she mumbled, "If you start over again, be sure to leave the sewer box unchecked." She rubbed her stomach. "It's okay little bear. We'll be out soon enough."

She walked on navigating the sewers like a pro. Recognizing the bends and cracks, she pictured the roads above as well as the landmarks.

In silence, she strolled beneath the city finally coming up where she wanted to be - exactly where she wanted to be.

To her surprise, she popped up from the sewers into the fray. Underneath an overpass, near bins on fire, she found an all out battle between a nomadic demon gang and Faith. The demon's didn't just outnumber her, they outweighed her by at least two hundred pounds. Buffy sighed, _Just once, couldn't she provoke scrawny demons?_

Surreptitiously, she came upon the huddle, and started working her way inside taking them out one by one. She used the demons nearby to kick off a bit so she could snap necks easier. They seemed more confused than angry about it. They knew their kin were dying but couldn't understand how this small girl was doing it. With her sticking so close to them, they couldn't even get a good look at her. She dove under them, scaled them, swung around them and off them, and she'd already killed several before they could make up their minds whether to back up or intervene and risk a quick death.

There were so many that Faith didn't notice the difference right away. Eventually, though, she realized she could play without interruption. The demon before her didn't tap another in; he stayed her main opponent. By then, she'd lost her weapons and was down to her arms and legs. She wanted to wear it down with just a blunt beating. It wanted the same. She hit it; it hit back. She kicked it; it threw her down. The flight was a slayer's dream. The world fell away and she wasn't Faith anymore; she was violence personified.

Having wrestled it to the ground, she beat it with all her might - no holding back, no slowing down. The body stopped moving, but she didn't. Finally she shook it trying to stir it back to consciousness, but one can't shake the dead back to life.

A high like that always has a crash, and hers nearly knocked her over. She felt acute disappointment; it was too soon for it to die. Her gaze flicked across her environment - desperate for a new target. All around her were dead bodies, none alive . . . save one.

Perched on her own corpse, Buffy sat a few yards away. She looked like she'd been sitting there for a while.

Unnerved by Buffy's calm, Faith opened her mouth to speak. Her mind couldn't find the words.

Buffy waited patiently, but nothing came. She held Faith's eyes and spoke, "We'll talk about it later. Let's just get cleaned up, okay?"

Faith nodded and slowly they stood together. Buffy climbed back into the sewers, and Faith followed. The traversed the darkness in silence. Each of them perceived the others' mind to be shut down - as if running on auto-pilot.

* * *

Eventually they reached her neighborhood. When they climbed out near _Sanctuary_, Buffy started to speak again. "After we get you patched up, I'll have Sunny take you home to Angel's."

Faith still felt dazed. Of all the things she wanted to ask, only one came out. "Who's Sunny?"

Smiling, she answered, "The best driver I know and the only one who can parallel park."

They turned the corner to _Sanctuary_ side by side.

From behind a stoop, someone appeared. He'd been waiting for them.

"Get down on your knees and place your hands on your head."

Buffy looked into the eyes of officer Reynolds and knew he wasn't alone. Sure enough, she heard the slam of car doors and approaching steps. He meant to take them that night - no matter the cost.

Kneeling to the ground, Buffy slowly raised her arms.

After the adrenaline rush earlier, Faith's mind processed the scene sluggishly. She looked at the slayer kneeling before a gun-holding officer and frowned. Shaking her head, she backed away.

Buffy saw the click of the gun before she heard it. As instantaneous as a reflex, she sprang up and tackled Faith to the ground. A shot rang out. She felt blood on her hand.

This time she'd protected Faith's head. Between it and the concrete, her bloody hand lay broken.

Shielding her from the world, Buffy held her eyes and murmured, "Please."

Whether she plead for herself or for Faith, neither of them knew, but whatever she chose, she knew Buffy would back her.

Time moved quickly as officers put them in handcuffs. The metal felt cool and firm. Holding their arms and heads, Officers placed Faith in the squad car followed by Buffy.

Officer Reynolds looked at her through the rear view mirror. "I'm sorry Anne. It's too big of case to let go."

As the car pulled away, she slumped in her seat. "Wife to feed, bills to pay- I get it."

Exhausted, both Faith and her leaned their heads back.

"Radio to dispatch 10-15."

Buffy imagined Sunny answering, _Code for prisoner in custody, right?_

She closed her eyes._ Prisoner is miraculously in custody, and I'm right by her side. _She mentally groaned, _Angel, you so owe me. _


	33. Chapter 32: When It's Over

**Chapter 32: When It's Over**

Buffy watched the officers bustle around the station. Much had happened, but glancing at the clock, she realized the night remained young.

"Anne?"

She held the phone closer. "Hi Lil."

"I have Gemma, and don't worry - Sunny did all the driving."

"Where to?"

"Home. Her pick."

"Good to hear. Listen, I'm back at the Police station."

"She told me you needed to help someone else. Faith push them too far?"

Buffy sighed. "I don't know how long it will take to clear this one up."

"Maybe this time you can't."

"I get that I can't save everyone." An officer passed her. "Trust me, I do, but I need this to be one of life's fixable things."

"What can I do?"

_Nothing_, she thought, but she answered, "Take care of Gemma. Call Cyn over so she doesn't feel out of place. I remember them being roommates for a while."

"Already done."

"That's good." She scanned the precinct. "You can handle things there, right? If I get stuck here?"

"Take as long as you need. We're all good."

Buffy nodded to herself. "I'll check in soon."

"Be careful."

"You too."

Officer Peterson escorted her back to her holding cell.

Looking at Faith he informed her, "Yours will have to wait."

She shrugged, "It can wait forever for all I care."

There was only one bench in the small cell, so Buffy took a seat beside her. Faith's snarky attitude didn't help her troubled mind, but given their situation, she didn't think it mattered. Either way they were locked legally, physically, and socially.

She gazed at the opposite wall and its aging grey paint. There's a phrase people say . . . 'if these walls could talk.' Closing her eyes, she hoped they never did. Walls shouldn't know what happens in their rooms lest they grow weary of human troubles. In her whole life, she witnessed less than this one wall and she was already weary.

"Can I ask you something?"

Hearing her hesitant tone, Buffy kept her eyes closed. "I may not answer."

"When I came to Angel's office, that wasn't the first time you'd seen me, was it?"

She opened her eyes and saw the wall. "No."

"And back there, with the stealthy reprieve - that wasn't the first time you've stepped in to save my ass."

"Faith-"

"This isn't some top dog crap, I just want the truth. I mean, as far as skulking protectors go - I prefer the tall, dark, and dangerous variety - but I ain't choosy."

She rolled her head a bit toward her. "It's those type of protectors that can get you in trouble - just saying."

"So we're finally gonna to talk bout the Angel thing."

"Did it sound like we were? cuz we're really not."

Faith moved turned her hand over. "Come on B, you were actually doin the undead, what's that like?"

"Honestly . . . confusing, scary, and the reason why you were there and I'm here."

Faith inferred, "So the Angel reunion wasn't a welcome one."

"I'm glad he's alive, but no, I wasn't pleased to find him in L.A." Faith smiled at the understatement. She knew what it was like for the past to follow you and 'not pleased' didn't really cover her reaction.

"How'd you end up working there anyway?"

"A.I., it's worthwhile work, and I could help."

"You'd think slayer would be 'worthwhile' enough for ya."

She smiled at herself. "One would think."

When Faith spoke again, her tone had that hesitant quality to it. "How do you do it? work for a vampire, in a city full of boogie men, and still leave the slayer cap at home."

Hearing her genuine curiosity, Buffy let out a deep breath and gave her a genuine answer. "I'm still figuring that out. The job with Angel definitely complicates things, but so far it's been okay." Since Faith put off the posturing, Buffy put off her defenses and let truth roam free. "I patrol my area and kill any demons I come across. I guess I demoted myself from active vampire slayer to just a regular demon fighter."

"And that works for you? turn your back on the destiny thing and live out the rest of your days slightly left of center."

"Yep."

"I don't buy it."

Buffy stood up and stretched. "Don't need to."

"Being a slayer, it's not about handbooks and watchers; it's in our blood. We were meant for more than nine to five jobs and picket fences. Don't tell me you can't feel that."

"All the time." Closing her eyes, Buffy cracked her neck. "That pulsing strength, that urge to fight and win."

Faith leaned forward as Buffy leaned against the wall. "How can you live with that blood pumping in your veins and not act on it?"

"By remembering the cost."

"Slayers fight, they die, that's just the gig. If there's anyone that understands that it's me. But you can't turn your back on it because you're scared."

With her back against her wall, Buffy placed her hands behind her. The concrete felt cool and rough, predictably uneven. "Do you know how you were called?"

"One girl strikes out next one's up."

"I mean why you're not the one?"

"You broke game rules by coming back."

"I drowned, when I was sixteen, and another girl, became a slayer. Her name was Kendra. I fought with her in just about every way one can fight." Recalling their spats and battles, Buffy smiled ruefully. But it was only a flash; then, her expression flattened. She looked Faith in the eye and confessed, "I got her killed. Technically, cause of death was vampires but she met them alone because of me. I found Kendra's body about the time you were called." She looked at the wall again. "You and I are a slayer removed; you couldn't possibly understand me."

Standing up, she shot back, "So you figured you'd seen enough death and decided to close your eyes and pray it all goes away."

Buffy straightened, "I decided I'd _caused_ enough death - and pain and suffering. I learned too late why slayers should be alone. We bring destruction and death with us everywhere we go. It's what we are, it's why we're here." Buffy looked into her eyes determined to follow through on her commitment to truth. "Everyone I knew, including myself, either suffered or died because I accepted the role of slayer. I'm not making that mistake again."

Faith stepped closer. "I've lost people too, but I didn't give up."

"Neither did I."

"But Buf-"

"It's Anne now," she corrected. "Just because I rejected destiny doesn't mean you can't live yours." She leaned back against the wall. "I know you're looking to me for some kind of guidance, but don't. We're different people who may come up with different answers to big questions. If you want to fight the fight, do that. If you want quit, do that, but decide for yourself what's right." Faith didn't respond. She just stared at her curiously. "What?"

Slowly, she sat back down. "I spent a while looking for you, then livin' in your town I spent even more time asking about you." She scratched the back of her head. "I don't know what I wanted to hear. Figured I'd know it when I heard it. I think I just did."

Buffy looked to the floor and breathed out. She felt more exhausted but lighter somehow too.

* * *

Angel put down his newly-grimed axe to answer the phone.

"Hell-"

"Your girl and I were arrested tonight."

He recognized Faith's voice immediately. "You were arrested with who?"

Sensing an officer nearby she made sure to say, "Anne, and we're going to need help."

"She can't get you out?"

"Apparently, not even her connections can change the fact that police everywhere are fighting over me. Kind of flattering when you think about."

"Why did they arrest _her_? I thought Wesley and Cordelia were the ones looking for you."

"She covered for me remember? the murder suspect."

"So, you need bail money."

"They're sending us to Sunnydale for the hearing."

"We can work with a transfer scenario."

"No!" At the stares from the other officers, she lowered her voice again. "We could have kicked out any time, but she doesn't want to make this worse. I think it's already more police tangled than she can handle. "

"What does she want us to do?"

"Find someone to get us out of this. She told me to say that Anne McDonald needs a lawyer."

Careful of listening ears, he replied, "Anne wants me to ask Wolfram and Hart for legal services."

"Sounds pretty whack to me. They're the ones trying to kill you, right? But, she's really freaking out about this. All she's asking is that we pass on a message."

"Involving them could create bigger problems later on."

"Man, that's guaranteed, but your girl is locked down for harboring a felon. If they can't make this go away, later on won't matter." Lowering her voice, she spoke deliberately, "Whether convict or fugitive, _Anne_'s life here is over. . . and that means Buffy's is too."

Angel hung up the phone without coming to a decision. Buffy needed legal help, but did that necessarily mean help from Satan's law firm? Granted, he didn't know any other lawyers, and Wolfram and Hart were masters at getting supernatural entities out of the judicial system, but no good could come from revealing her identity as the slayer.

He looked at the clock anxiously. Police would hold them overnight and probably transfer them early tomorrow. Buffy did not want to return to Sunnydale. It certainly wouldn't help her legal troubles. In LA she was wanted for harboring a felon, in Sunnydale, she was one. If the police put Anne's record together with Buffy's, she'd be in the same situation as Faith.

Angel ran his hand across his face. Faith was right, if he couldn't find a legitimate way to get them out of this, Buffy would never be able to return to her job, those kids, Lilly. She'd have to start over in a new town with a baby on the way and no friends to back her up.

Picking up the phone, he knew he didn't have a choice.

A young voice came on the line, "Wolfram and Hart, how may I help you?"

"Yes, I'd like to speak with Holland Manners." He hesitated before adding, "This is Angel."

"May I tell him what this concerns?"

He clenched his free hand into a fist. "Legal counsel."


End file.
